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January 07, 2005
A Tsunami of Emotions
Karen and I receive a good deal of mail from parents who have lost children. All the letters are gut-wrenching and beautiful. I wish I could print them all. Soon after we established Seraphic Press and this blog, a friend of Karen's, Joyce Siegel Motechin, whom she had not seen in forty years, since they were children in summer camp, wrote with the news that she too had lost a child, her beloved Deena ZT"L. Now Karen and Joyce write to one another regularly. Their correspondence is nothing less than a detailed map of two wounded souls, two mothers struggling with life, family, emunah, God, and bottomless grief, in sometimes measured, often passionate, but always articulate tones. Here is the latest letter from Joyce. We thank her for allowing us to share in her most private thoughts.
Dear Karen,
I just finished reading numerous articles on the Aish HaTorah web site regarding the tsunami. I guess that is where we all have been this week: in tsunami land. Just trying to comprehend the enormity of this disaster is impossible. Looking at the photos of young children, parents looking for their loved ones is heart breaking. How many more people grieving for their children. I don't know where this disaster took you but I was reeling from it. The numbers are staggering. So many more people will be walking on our path, they just are getting there on a very different course. The end will ultimately be the same--trying to go on in the best way possible incorporating grief with life. Again one of the Aish HaTorah writers reiterated what we already know--do not ask why it happened, but rather how can we learn from this disaster, or how to live our lives--take on another mitzvah, live each day to its fullest. Everything we already know, but maybe this time I'll just try a little harder. They are worth reading
The whys creep into my head. Why does my daughter Deena, 20-year-old beautiful, spiritual young lady with so much to offer this world die? Emotionally I can keep very busy getting very exhausted! This Shabbos, I took a short nap. I had a dream about Deena. It was so real! She came back and was very much alive. I held her close. Then she started to say that she was feeling sick and thought she would be leaving again. I begged her to stay near me and maybe if I just kept holding her close she wouldn't leave. I woke up before the dream ended or perhaps that's when it ended. But I was really in a state. For a few short moments I felt like I had Deena back again. I think what triggered this dream was a conversation I had with my granddaughter Tali. She was one-week-old when Deena died. She showed me a picture of her mom, Chaya, with Deena. It was when Chaya was going to study in Israel. We were at the airport saying goodbye. So I take a picture of the sisters. Deena was about thirteen. But she looked young and childish. We spoke about her Aunt Deena for awhile. The next thing I know Tali is singing a song that she composed (you know how kids do that) about Deena with lyrics that included: "We miss you and wish you would come back..." It was such an innocent moment to watch a five-year-old go on in song about her dead Aunt. Hence the dream.
Well its 2005. I have resolved with the rest of the population to take off some weight, eat healthy, live healthy, exercise, live a more spiritual life, give up loshon hara, have positive thoughts, let go of negativity, etc.
And some of Karen's answer:
I'm going through a bad time now, really feeling Ariel's absence, with the constant feeling, Did this really happen? How can I go on in life when one part of me has to be shut down, ignored so that I can go on. It feels like I have to be dishonest in some way. L'havdil, but I still have this thought, I feel like someone who commits terrible crimes and then goes home to wife and children and acts the perfect husband. I guess what I'm saying is that some part of my life is now inconsistent, or lacking in continuity, some part always has to be in darkness, because to see the whole picture is unbearable.
Robert's confession: I often imagine Ariel ZT"L and Deena ZT"L together, watching Karen and Joyce. Our children are smiling, rejoicing that their parents, childhood friends, have rekindled and deepened their friendship.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at January 7, 2005 02:02 AM
Comments
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