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January 31, 2005
Seraphic Baby
Several months ago, Karen and I attended a Shabbos retreat for grieving parents. The experience had such a profound effect on me that I wrote a three-part blog about it. I could have written more, much more.
One of my most vivid memories was hearing a fine young father talking about the death of two children and then adding, in almost a whisper, that they are "very, very worried" about another child. I remember staring at this young parent, a Lakewood Kollel student, and thinking to myself: how can he face the day?
Over Shabbos, I spent some time with this man and his wife and I was struck by their calm, by their devotion to HaShem and Torah. He was not one of these men who say that God has a plan and it is ultimately for the best. No, he was honestly struggling with his anger, with his grief, trying to find some answers in the thicket of bottomless tragedy.
After the weekend, he and I wrote a few e-mails to each other and I was optimistic that his child was going to be fine.
Right before Shabbos, I received word that the child has died. Karen and I have lost one child and our world has forever been ripped apart. This young couple have lost three children to a cruel and mysterious illness--perhaps genetic. Just a few minutes ago, I wrote an e-mail to this couple. I reached deep inside myself, trying to find words that contain some measure of comfort. I am quite sure that I failed. Is there any comfort to offer? If there is, I cannot find it. I cannot even imagine it.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at January 31, 2005 04:04 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
I am stunned just reading this post. I am so very sorry for this couple's loss.
Posted by: Tamara at January 31, 2005 04:47 PM
But offering, in humility and genuine concern, is much better than not offering at all. (I wonder whether offering in a narcissistic emotionally tone-deaf way is worse than not offering at all, but I know that's not what you did. But many do.)
Posted by: Yehudit at January 31, 2005 04:54 PM
I was at the funeral and it was heart breaking. This is his third child that died. They are all buried next to one another.
Just being there for him , one beareaved parent to another , is all the comfort that we can offer.
Thanks for your blog. I read it everyday.
signed "Mr. Brown" from the retreat
Posted by: glen at January 31, 2005 05:33 PM
In response to Yehudit: My sister Rivkie (a"h), when sick with cancer used to say that there are three types of people. Those who know what to say, those who don't, and those who don't say anything. Thw worse type is those who don't call at all.
From my own experience with Ariel, a"h, I know that the longer a person procastianted the less likely it was that he would make the call to see how he was doing, be mechazek him...
A realative of mine says that when she shares something with someone, she wants the chizuk and the positive reponse, if not immiedately, then a week or a month later. She needs it. The freinds who don't respond are not reacting properly.
It is possible that when dealing with a parent who has lost a child, that saying something stupid is worse. The best thing is to give someone a hug, let them know in some way that others share and feel thier pain. It does notg have to be verbal.
Posted by: avi stewart at February 2, 2005 01:35 PM
I was visiting your blog and I found this post. I was at that weekend and I met this family (Ze'ev, right?).
Can you either give me his email address or give him mine? Though I don't think he would be in the mood for initiating email.
Sincerely,
Rick Rosenberg
Posted by: Rick at June 6, 2005 10:39 AM