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March 17, 2005
Time, Time, Time
Ariel's best friend has stayed in touch, remained close with us. He let us know when he was engaged. And then he brought his fiance to meet us. Karen and I attended his sheva b'rachos. Last week he and his wife had a baby girl. I think that he knows that he's become an important presence in my life. No, not a substitute son to me. Nothing pathological here. My joy in their life together is real.
But something odd happened yesterday. I got a call from another one of Ariel's friends. He told me that he was engaged and invited us to his L'chaim. After hanging up, I got depressed. I walked into Ariel's room and looked at the high school graduation photo that sits on his desk. I searched the faces of the boys, Ariel's classmates, and it hit me: almost every one of them is now married. Many already have children. Ariel used to tell me: "I want to have lots of children, Daddy."
"How many, Ariel?"
He would smile bashfully and say: "Well, at least a minyan."
Ariel would have been such a wonderful father: patient, loving, a generous teacher. His wife would have adored his easy-going manner. His quiet brilliance. But there will be no wife, no children. Ariel will always remain 22-years-old. And I will forever mark the passage of time. When I think about the last moments of my life, I assume, well, I hope, that my last conscious thought will be of Ariel. I'll see him as he was, young and radiant--that smile, that glorious smile that withheld nothing--and I will be calm because at last I will be reunited with with him. Is it any wonder that I'm no longer frightened by the idea of my own death?
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at March 17, 2005 08:24 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
I just wanted to wish mazel tov to Ariel's best freind and his family.
My sister passed away about three and a half years ago from nonHodgkins Lymphoma. My parents, in thier search for nechamah, met with Rav Matisyahu Salomon, the Masgiach of the Lakewood Yeshivah. One of the ideas that he said to them was that they should attempt to share in other people's Simachot. Allow themselves to be pulled along for the ride in the joy and simchah of others. Obviously a very difficult thing to do, like you yourslef write. You'd rather suffer in the depths of your own thoughts than fake happiness and simcha at some big social event. Perhaps what Rabbi Saolomon meant was that when we do share in other people's simachot, we absorb, in an osmosislike fashionm, on a deep emotional level that simchah.
When I was sitting shivah for my sister, I felt alone and empty. I felt like someone had literally cut off my right hand. Then, on the sixth day a close freind of mine called me up to tell me that he was engaged. The simchah that I felt for him, felt like some warmth had returned to me. Inexplicable but true. Losing a sibling cannot be compared to losing a child. But perhaps simple simchah -even for others - can help us feel warm once again.
Posted by: Avi Stewart at March 17, 2005 09:54 AM
dear avrech family,
the desire to in some way accomplish for ariel what he himself will not is often what pushes me through the depression of having lost a friend of his quality - to continue building life, much as it may seem darker now, because he can't.
our simchos feel different to us too without ariel. and we appreciate your participation in them, especially because it's naturally so heart-wrenching. thanks for staying close.
Posted by: Josh at March 17, 2005 10:06 AM
My heart goes out to you and your family and anyone else who was touched by Ariel. It is uncomprehensible the pain that you go through every day without your beloved son. May Hashem comfort you always.
Sincerely,
Rachel
Posted by: Rachel at March 17, 2005 03:20 PM
Robert, Ariel's friends Josh and Avi must be stellar examples of the company Ariel kept. They keep in touch with you, they reach out to you, and Josh's eloquent words "Thanks for staying close" also exhibit the respect they have for you and Karen.
Yes, it cannot be easy for you to maintain contact with these young man, each one a reminder of what Ariel was and might have gone on to be. But it also cannot be easy for these friends of Ariel to draw your attention to the simchas in their lives, to their personal achievements. Feeling the loss of Ariel's presence in their lives, no longer able to share their personal happiness with their chevrusa member and good friend, they turn to you and Karen. They do feel close enough to share their happiness with Ariel's family. And that means that you and Karen must be equally special like Ariel was.
I think that to be able to see beyond one's grief or one's own physical/emotional pain is
one step--albeit a baby one--towards healing, towards mending one's human fragility.
May Hashem continue to give you strength to keep on mending...and simchas to share in.
Posted by: Pearl at March 17, 2005 08:01 PM