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July 25, 2005
Migraine Date
The continuing story of how I fell in love with my wife at age nine and, well, did not give up until Karen, so to speak, gave in.
Karen and I are sitting in my apartment. We're talking. And talking. I'm about to leave for Sweden in a day or two and deep in my gut I have this sinking feeling that this trip is about the dumbest thing I have ever done. I'll probably return from the land of the blonds and find that Karen has married one of the med students who have been courting her. I'll end up a miserable human being living a life of endless regrets.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I've got a raging migraine.
Migraine therapy in ancient Egypt. Have not tried this cure... yet
I've been getting these headaches since I've been a child. First I get an aura. Lights pulse weirdly. My skin becomes extra sensitive to, well, everything. Even my yarmulke feels like a lead weight on my head. And the bobby pin? Like a nail going through my skull. The pain pulses at the base of my skull, travels up, usually to the left side of my head. Boom! Boom! BOOM! Unrelenting agony. Sometimes it goes on for two or three days at a time. Bottomless nausea follows. Light hurts like you wouldn't believe. Sound penetrates my skull like hot shrapnel. Normally I'd be curled up in bed in a completely dark room for the slightest amount of light can send fragments of pain flying deep into the cortex of my brain.
Medicine? Forget it. The only thing that helps is a trip to the ER and a slow drip of some powerful opiate that puts me deeply out of it for the rest of the week. I have a magazine to edit; no way I can take that medicine. When I was a child I was sure that HaShem was punishing me for something. Actually, that thought still crosses my mind when I get a killer migraine. Guilt is a powerful master when you truly believe that you are accountable for your actions.
But Karen is here and gosh, I have been in love/obsessed/crazyabout this child/girl/teenager/woman for as long as I can remember and I'm not going to let mere agony get in the way.
“Are you okay?”
As I've said, Karen is smart and perceptive. Nothing gets by her. When she looks at me she's like Superwoman—minus the skin-tight suit—but with the X-ray vision. She sees right through me. And now, I suppose that my eyes have been blinking uncontrollably, and my forehead is creased like ancient papyrus, and my voice is probably not much above a whisper.
"I have a bit of a headache,” I allow.
Karen studies me and nods. She knows that I'm not in good shape.
“How long will you be gone?” she asks.
That's a good sign, I say to myself. She cares.
“A month,” I say, “maybe less.”
I'm already planning on cutting the trip short. And that's just what I end up doing. I have to. I am so bored in Scandinavia that I absolutely understand why they have the highest suicide rate in the world.
Abruptly, I am steamrolled by a tsunami of pain and Karen must see it for she stands up and announces that it's time for her to go. This is becoming a habit. She did this just a few days ago. I offer to walk Karen home, but she insists that I stay, that I really do not look too good.
Exit Karen.
I bolt to the bathroom, drop to the cool tile and, well, you know the rest.
Ah, the end of another romantic evening.
Karen adds: Robert did a better job of hiding his distress than he remembers, otherwise I would have had to be blind not to have seen immediately how miserable he was. He actually was able to carry on a charming conversation and it was only after about an hour that I began to notice that his mouth was puckering in funny ways — a good cue he might be sick to his stomach!
I do recall my disappointment when Robert told me he was going to be away not a month, but six weeks, it seemed to a very long stretch.
During that time, I had what seems in retrospect, an active social life, but none of the prospects were serious. I should explain that Shidduch dates had not taken hold in the Orthodox community at that time, but we did have the Shavuos event at Grossinger's which was one of the few ways that young singles could meet.
It was traumatic, humiliating, but effective. So, the month following Shavuos, my calendar was full. As much as this blog has emphasized the powers of hashgacha pratis (divine intervention) and Bashert (there is a predestined lifemate) I do want to emphasize the importance of being an advocate for yourself.
As a single I did have to get out there, push myself into situations that were really uncomfortable, and do the "Hishtadlus" thing. This means going to Grossinger's when I hated it, and indeed, getting myself to Lincoln Square (where Robert sighted me) picking myself up and getting out of the apartment on a hot Sunday afternoon to the Jewish Street Festival all by myself even without the security of a gal-pal, where I bumped into Robert.
So I guess my message is, there is the element of romance, but there is also something to be said for being a realist, and taking the bull by the horns and being an advocate for yourself and taking initiative, and putting yourself into the right situations, even when it is uncomfortable and seems like work.
To be continued.
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Posted by Robert J. Avrech at July 25, 2005 09:11 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Hi Robert, well, here's my theory: if you show your imperfections in the beginning, they end up falling for you. First date with Mr. Randi, I had a horrible cold, red nose, watering eyes, coughing, sneezing, and using more tissue than kleenex can produce in a year (you get the picture). And he still came back! Perhaps Karen thought your blinking eyes was your way of flirting and your lovely shade of green skin was akin to a blush. Your puckering mouth was just mistaken for your longing to kiss her. What you didn't realize was that your migraine headache was actually acting as a mating call. (Just call me the spin doctor!)As usual I love your story, thanks for making us apart of it.
Posted by: Randi at July 25, 2005 11:11 AM
Randi: Karen and I are reading your comment and we are laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. What a great theory.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 25, 2005 11:21 AM
I quote you from your post of March 9, 2005:
Writing is Rewriting:
You have to be willing to rip your work apart, admit it's terrible, and start all over again. If a writer does not rewrite he/she is not a writer, he/she is a typist.
Robert, I guess that old habits die hard; regardless if it's a screenplay, a novel, a speech or a blog post you're working on, you've got that skill of rewriting (thus sometimes "bettering" your words/phrases/SPELLING!) down pat.
As for Karen's words...? Well, they serve as "icing on the cake!"
Posted by: Pearl at July 25, 2005 11:47 AM
Robert and Karen...you have given all of us who read Seraphic Secret so much...if I have given you a few moments of laughter,that warms my heart. (I am sorry for the stomach aches though!)
Posted by: Randi at July 25, 2005 11:48 AM
You still have me hooked.
Posted by: Jack at July 25, 2005 12:26 PM
Pearl: Since our initial posting this morning we have gone back and rewritten/polished um, let's see, six or seven times.
Posted by: Robert at July 25, 2005 02:14 PM
Jack: We're like a kosher version of opium.
Posted by: Robert at July 25, 2005 02:15 PM
A Kosher version of Opium. I have a couple of ideas about that, they are at Pats and The Magic Carpet. ;)
It is good thing that you are an inexpensive habit or I might be in big trouble.
Posted by: Jack at July 25, 2005 03:27 PM
Jack: We're cheap dates. Enjoy!
Posted by: Robert at July 25, 2005 03:42 PM
Oh, this is sooo good. I can't wait to hear about the first "I love you," the proposal, the wedding, the early years...
Scandinavia has never much beckoned me. Now I know why.
Posted by: Stacey at July 25, 2005 07:53 PM
I'd like to add something to Karen's good advice for singles. Doing nice things for other people might seem like a chore too, but it's how I met my wife. Being in TV, I always have people asking me to speak to their friend or relative who also wants to get in to my business. I always say "yes," not because I'm a saint, but because when I got into this business, no one was there to advise or help me. Sure enough, one of those people I had lunch with to talk about getting into TV became my wife. So I would just add "Do a few Mitzvot" to the list of things to do for singles. I got a decent reward from it, and I know many other couples who met while doing some act of chesed (like cleaning up a park, or volunteering at a nursing home). Hey, I'm not even religious, but helping your fellow man is the key to a lot of kinds of happiness. It really was for me.
Posted by: Jake at July 26, 2005 09:13 AM