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August 02, 2005
How to Lose (Not so Seraphic) Friends
The saga of Robert and Karen's life-long courtship continues. This chapter veers off into the often dangerous territory of friends and how they relate to the primary love relationship.
He is dirty. He chain-smokes and smells like an ash tray. His clothing has not been washed in a very long time. His hair is greasy. He also knows more about movies than anybody else on earth. He's sort of a shmutzy genius.
Meet Henry, my new friend.
I have been a student at Bard College for about two incredibly lonely weeks. It's not easy being the only Shomer Shabbos student at college.
Henry writes looooooong film reviews for the student newspaper. He tosses off phrases that are well, French to me: Mise 'en scene, Film Noir. He discusses the theoretical positions of Jean Luc Goddard, Andre Bazin and Francois Truffaut. He is passionate about the cinema of Samuel Fuller. Huh? Doesn't Fuller make like these lousy B pictures? I feel really stupid when I read Henry's articles.
One day I screw up my courage and ask Henry about his latest essay regarding Ingmar Bergman. I know that this Swedish director is supposed to be deep and "heavy" but isn't it all a bit... pretentious? Henry, to his credit, does not blow me off. In fact he allows that this is a "valid position" taken by many of the "cahier" crowd. I nod as if I know who the cahier crowd are. Answer: a bunch of dopey Frenchman who watch American films not understanding a word of English, hence basing their cinematic theories on mis en scene—go figure.
Anyway, in spite of Henry's, ahem, hygiene problems, I form a close friendship with him. My other friend, Jamie A"H, sniffs when Henry comes round and rapidly disappears. He thinks I'm nuts to hang around with Henry, but gee, Henry is so smart, he knows sooooo much, and I've been in yeshiva all my life and I've got a lot of catching up to do. And so Henry, bless his kind and most generous heart, gives me a crash course in the history of world cinema. To this day, when people ask me how I learned so much about film, I tell them about Henry.
We even start writing films together. Oh yes, Henry wants to be a screenwriter too. But our collaboration never quite works out. I am still an earnest yeshiva student at heart. I'll be sitting in my dorm room writing, waiting for Henry and he'll be off with one of his girlfriends, down the road, partying hard. He'll show up—whenever—dash off a pound of pages, some brilliant, some incoherent, and I instinctively know that this can never work.
I confess, it also bothers me, deep, deep in my gut, though I never articulate it, that Henry is Jewish, can rattle off Shakespeare, Donne, Emerson, and knows not one word of Torah. He does not even know the Sh'ma.
And he couldn't care less.
It never crosses his mind that it might be sort of appropriate to go out with a Jewish girl. Nope, only thin, crazy, very crazy, Presbyterian Princesses for Henry.
After Bard, Henry and I end up living around the corner from each other in New York. You know how when you are seriously going out with a woman the time comes when you introduce her to your circle of friends? It's another crossroads in the relationship. It announces that this is real. The friends look the woman over, they hesitate for a moment, then realize that she's perfect and they welcome her to the inner circle.
I do not have a circle of friends. I have no friends from Yeshiva anymore. Once you leave Beis Midrash to study art, it's hard keeping up with old friends.
So, my only friend is Henry.
And he is still dirty.
And I know that when Karen takes one look at him, hears him rattle off his theories about the cinema of Howard Hawks, the structuralism of Claude Levi Strauss as applied to the films of Jean Luc Goddard, well, it's not going to be pretty. Karen has no patience for, well, intellectual gibberish.
And knowing Henry, he will scrutinize Karen, see, gasp! a ferociously normal woman, probably the greatest threat to his world-view, to our friendship, and, well, I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
The question is: How far does loyalty extend?
Henry has given me an education in film, the tools that will probably allow me to have a career in film. He has, in short, been a good friend. He has also helped me get my job at Millimeter Magazine.
What do I owe him? I feel like I owe him, well, close to everything.
Does every passionate relationship inevitably destroy another?
Karen is away now, but when she comes back I'll have her add the coup de grace. Pardon my French.
Karen adds: Robert has cast me as Marie Antoinette in this story, yet, as I remember it, I was more on the side of liberte and egalite. You see, there were terrible hygiene problem, second-hand smoke which was camel strength and unrelenting, and the verbal diarrhea.
In addition when Robert told me he sometimes would go over to Henry's apartment and pick Henry's dirty laundry off the floor it sickened me. I told Robert, "This man is pathological and you are enabling him! What purpose is this relationship serving for you?" It made me question the health of our own relationship which seemed so normal and straight forward.
Robert agreed that he would not ask me to socialize with Henry, that once they finished a screenplay they were working on, and that was not going well because Henry did not know the meaning of discipline, they would no longer collaborate. After that, the relationship sort of fizzled out on its own. Whatever purpose Henry served no longer paid off, maybe Robert saw him in another light once he wasn't dependent on him for artistic inspiration. For whatever reason, once we got married, Robert and Henry saw each other only about every ten years, and they never renewed the bond they once had. I was the spoiler and I don't regret it.
Robert adds: Henry was right about the films of Sam Fuller. Check out Shock Corridor. It is great. Especially the scene in the, yup, nympho ward!
And of course don't forget Fuller's last film The Big Red One. It has just been released in the Director's Cut and it is a thing of beauty.
Thank you, Henry.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at August 2, 2005 10:08 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Robert, I feel I can't quite comment yet, as this is just the "hors d'oeuvres" of the story (like my French?) Perhaps more appropriately, "the forshpeiz". The "meeting" of the friends can be quite delicate...can tell you alot about eachother. Looking forward to Karen's comments.
Posted by: Randi at August 2, 2005 11:56 AM
It is indeed difficult to make such choices...if both options can't fit into your life.
But I guess one has to decide if it's more important to share a future together...with the one you love...than share a past with the one you like.
Posted by: Pearl at August 2, 2005 12:22 PM
Pearl: Beautifully put.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at August 2, 2005 12:26 PM
So sorry to hear about Jamie. It can be an interesting experience integrating your spouse/girlfriend with your friends.
Posted by: Jack at August 2, 2005 01:40 PM
Jack: "Interesting" choice of words.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at August 2, 2005 01:44 PM
Angst over the impressions of a college buddy? For more than a moment- when the Fair Lady Karen was (finally!) returning your favour?
Robert, is this for real?
To me, the greatest story is how Karen actually agreed to see you, after proclaiming your intentions to be a screenwriter. In Hollywood. In those days.
Ok, so you're famous now- but there's no way she knew you would be. Either she so believed in your talent, that she could take that leap - or she was as smitten with you, as you were with her.
I imagine it was a bit of both.
(Any installments on how Karen's family reacted to her dating a boy with dreams of being a screenwriter?)
Posted by: Yael at August 2, 2005 04:29 PM
Robert, my life experience has taught me this: People come in and out of our lives at different times for various reasons. Sometimes, for the wrong reasons, we believe certain people are necessary to our very being, our achievements, or our value. That is, until a special person comes along to hold a mirror up to you...to show you who you really are and what you were meant to be. It seems that Karen was your mirror.
Posted by: Randi at August 2, 2005 05:13 PM
Yael, My parents sort of ignored the screenwriter part and focused on the common background, since Robert's parents were colleagues of my parents. They also saw how happy I was, and were very relieved that I was finally seriously involved with someone. The job prospect really didn't matter. Plus, Robert had a full time job, editing the magazine, and had not even thought of heading off to Hollywood to seek his fortune at that time. He was writing screenplays at night.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at August 2, 2005 07:55 PM
Randi: As alwys, you are deeply perceptive; this time about the people who come in and out of our lives. But sometimes I fear that, if not for Karen, I might have held on to a friend too far, way too long. Karen is my mirror, my muse, my everything. Without her, I am nothing.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at August 2, 2005 08:08 PM
That's so beautiful - "Karen is my mirror, my muse, my everything. Without her, I am nothing." - I wish I could feel that way about someone so completely right now! I just have to get back to being more creative, and then maybe I'll find my real self... The one who is so inspired.
I also ofen think about people who have drifted out of my life, the ones who really mattered to me, and I feel I have shortchanged or ignored... But then I wonder if they are remnants of the past, and I just want to get in touch to hold on to something that can't be retrieved at the moment anyway...
Posted by: SS at August 2, 2005 08:43 PM
"Does every passionate relationship inevitably destroy another?"
Interesting thought.
Robert, I am curious about what became of Henry. Was his dream of becoming a successful screenwriter ever fulfilled (as yours was)?
I know he taught you a great deal for which you are grateful, but I'm with Karen. I would've been furious knowing you were doing all the work. There is no room in any friendship for exploitation.
Posted by: Stacey at August 2, 2005 09:26 PM
Robert, you would make the dramatic poets of long ago so proud: "...without her I'm nothing."
But, sir, you are much too hard on yourself. It is not the first time I've heard you use this turn of phrase.
Yes, we know that Karen is decent, good, nurturing, wise, helps to bring out the best in you, and I don't mean to take these gifts of hers away, but you are still you: Robert J. Avrech. Yes, she helps draw out and perhaps stabilize your hidden talents, deeply embedded thoughts and fears, and stellar qualities, but they are part of you.
I read a beautiful quote this evening: "A marriage is one whole...made up of two halves."
Both yours and Karen's halves display individuality, uniqueness. Yet when the two halves join together, they create a beautiful and unique whole.
Karen was meant for you...just as you were meant for her.
"Avarechicha"--and I will bless you.
Posted by: Pearl at August 2, 2005 09:39 PM
Stacey: Henry is a Hollywood screenwriter. I don't want to say more and give up his identity. I will always be grateful for all he taught me--and it was a universe of which I was ignorant-- and for his genuine friendship.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at August 2, 2005 11:32 PM
Pearl: You are too kind. I'm just glad you didn't know me when I was without Karen. It was not a pretty sight.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at August 2, 2005 11:36 PM
Robert,
I have to second Pearl's comments, you are someone. Your comment remind of an old story that I'll paraphrase.
Essentially it is about a king who owned an amazing diamond. Each day he would take the diamond out and stare at it in wonder.
One day he dropped it and somehow the diamond ended up with a large scratch on it.
The king was mortified and the call was sent out throughout the land to find someone who could repair it.
Many tried and failed and the king began to despair until one day a man came and took the diamong back to his workshop.
He returned exactly one week later and handed the diamond to the king. Initially the king was angered because the scratch was still there.
He was prepared to yell at the man and then he noticed that he had turned the scratch into the stem of a beautiful rose.
There is much more to you than you give credit for. Karen adds to the depth that was always there.
Posted by: Jack at August 2, 2005 11:50 PM
Jack: I will not argue. But I don't believe I could ever have reached my full potential wihtout Karen. She is the only person in my life who has ever really believed in me and in my various dreams, from being a a Hollywood screenwriter to the latest dream of building Seraphic Press into a real publishing business. But I do appreciate the kind words from you and Pearl and all Seraphic Secret readers. Karen and I often say that we have the smartest readers on the internet. What have we done to deserve such fine and responsive people? It's all such a mystery. In any case, I am grateful.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at August 3, 2005 12:06 AM