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November 10, 2005
My (Very Long) List of Sins
It started when I was in fourth grade at Yeshiva Flatbush. Karen transferred from Yeshiva Ohel Moshe and it was her first day in school. I laid eyes on her and WHAP! That was it. The course of my life was forever changed. Okay, ten years old. What can a pisher like that know of true love? Well, read this series and find out.
I am alone in my tiny Upper West Side apartment. A few days ago, I asked Karen's father for permission to marry Karen and it was granted.
I am going to marry Karen.
I am 26-years old and I have been in love with Karen since the 4th grade, since I was 9-years old, since we were grade school students together in Yeshiva of Flatbush. Karen and I attended separate high schools, different colleges, we have both dated others, but I have never forgotten over my school boy crush. Never stopped loving Karen, not for a moment. I'm as tenacious as the Samurai I admire in Kurosawa's great films.
And Karen never knew about my love for her, until a few months ago.
But the impossible has happened, and though I still have trouble believing it, this lovely, brilliant and down-to-earth woman actually loves me and is going to marry me.
I finally know happiness. I finally know contentment. The chronic gnawing feeling deep in my gut that I have lived with—well, my whole life, is suddenly quelled.
Yet a central part of me is absolutely terrified.
I feel like Yves Montand and the other characters in Clouzot's thriller The Wages of Fear, desperate men ferrying truck loads of unstable nitroglycerin over crumbling roads and collapsing bridges. Any minute a massive explosion will send these men to kingdom come.
No, no, no. I'm not afraid of giving up bachelorhood. Being single is awful and lonely, especially for an observant Jew. I'm not afraid of all the responsibilities that will be heaped on us. I know we'll do fine with the day to day responsibilities that adults deal with.
No, I'm afraid that maybe I've fooled Karen. Maybe I haven't been entirely myself. Perhaps Karen thinks I'm a better person than I really am. A small voice whispers that I should sit down and confess to Karen, well, everything that I've ever done on my whole life that is wrong and objectionable and just plain creepy. G-d knows there are enough of them.
I sit down at my desk and start making a list of all the bad things I've done in my life.
The list gets long.
Really long.
I feel like making a citizen's arrest — on myself.
If Karen sees this list, she will be appalled. I'm appalled.
I look closer at the writing tablet and see a ball point imprint from the other side of the paper. I flip it over and there, neatly arrayed is Karen's handwriting. She has been practicing her new signature:
Karen Avrech Karen Avrech Karen Avrech Karen Avrech Karen Avrech
I stare at Karen's flowing handwriting and try and imagine what it is to take on a new name. My name. Her first attempts are a bit clumsy, she's attempting to make the name Avrech her own. Karen perseveres. Soon enough, her new signature is elegant, old world, like something out of Jane Austen.
I feel like crying.
Karen knows me. She may not know every detail, every foolish and stupid act I've committed, but this woman probably knows me better than I know myself.
I tear up my list of sins.
And carefully fold up the page with Karen's new signature. I will forever cherish it.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at November 10, 2005 01:54 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Simple. Beautiful. Very telling.
I can't speak for men, but I'm sure women have been practising their pre-married signature throughout the ages. I know I did. I also composed (several months before I even got engaged) a sample engagement announcement. I'm sure other women have done that, too!
Posted by: Pearl at November 10, 2005 04:04 PM
Pearl:
Clueless male that I am, I never imagined this part of marriage for Karen or for any woman.
Posted by: Robert at November 10, 2005 04:39 PM
Robert,
I for one, have been anxiously awaiting the return of "Robert loves Karen"...and of course you do not disappoint! A woman who can drive a man to tear up his list of sins...now that's true love! I've got to know...Did you really save that page?
Posted by: Randi at November 10, 2005 11:28 PM
Of course, like everything else in my life that I encounter, I have no memory of practicing my new name. But what I do remember, is that the first time I wrote your name, recording your phone number, I spelled it wrong like everyone else does when they first hear it. Averech. So, since then, I always spell it out, like a chant- A, V, like in Victor, R, E, C, H. and, I always repeat, the CH. Then I say, "Rhymes with Maverick." It's hard acquiring an unusual name. But at least it put me in the beginning of the alphabet.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at November 10, 2005 11:30 PM
It sounds like I spell it out for myself,(not that dumb) I mean when I'm meeting people for the first time, or speaking to service people on the phone.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at November 10, 2005 11:35 PM
Had been hoping the "How I Met Karen" series would resume! Do you still have the folded piece of paper?
Posted by: mcaryeh at November 11, 2005 02:44 AM
That was a very nice story.
Posted by: Jack at November 11, 2005 07:19 AM
Randi:
Yup, saved the page, but for the life of me, I don't know where it is. Somewhere in my vast "files of the past."
Posted by: Robert at November 11, 2005 07:42 AM
Mcaryeh:
As I told Randi, I do have the folded piece of paper... somewhere. I tend to save everything. Movie stubs, doodles, Shabbos notes, everything. It's exhausting and impossible to keep track of.
Posted by: Robert at November 11, 2005 07:49 AM
Finally (but worth the wait!)!! More Robert loves Karen, beautiful story. I practiced signatures all the time but how funny, I never shared that with anyone! I too, gave up a very common, easy to spell maiden name for one that put me at the top of the alphabet. My in-laws had a habit of saying...then spelling ...their last name. SO...the first time I dropped off Rick's shirts at the dry cleaners they came back imprinted "AGAGEE"!! Now I just about answer to any way you want to mangle it!
Posted by: Lisa at November 11, 2005 07:14 PM
Oh, oh, thank you so much for getting back to this wonderful story. It (almost) literally brightens up my day whenever I read a new installment.
From the way your name is spelled, I would never have guessed it rhymes with "maverick" - my Hebrew consciousness made me sure it's pronounced more like Avarech, the Hebrew for "I will bless." What language does it come from, and what's its real meaning?
Keep up the story (pretty please).
Sara
Posted by: With Love at November 12, 2005 12:18 PM
Sara:
The name Avrech comes from the Torah. Parshat Miketz. When Joseph is named Viceroy of Egypt he is carried through the streets of the city: "vayikriu l'fanav Avrech, they called before him Avrech." Rashi comments: "Av b'chachma vrach b'shanim, a father in wisdom, but young in years." It's the only time the word "avrech" appears in the Torah.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 12, 2005 06:45 PM
I, too, have been waiting for this, and I also never thought that your name was pronounced that way... Beautiful story. And don't worry, most people are harder on themselves than anyone else (particularly someone who loves them) would be. I'm sure Karen would have torn up the list, if you hadn't done it yourself.
Posted by: Sarah at November 13, 2005 05:00 AM
"vayikriu l'fanav Avrech, they called before him Avrech." Rashi comments: "Av b'chachma vrach b'shanim, a father in wisdom, but young in years."
you could not have chosen a more fitting last name for your son
Posted by: Ari Z. Miller at November 13, 2005 04:37 PM
I loved this. You two epitomize besheret.
But I now see that I've been mispronouncing your last name. I assumed the "A" made the "ah" sound, as in the word "all." Didn't realize it rhymed with "maverick."
Posted by: Stacey at November 14, 2005 10:32 AM
You are certainly unusual, Robert! Most men have trouble with talking about feelings even with their spouses, let alone writing about such intimate moments in their lives. Karin is a lucky lady, and so are you for having found her and being able to tell her and the rest of the world.
Posted by: hermom at November 15, 2005 09:52 AM