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November 23, 2005
Stanley Kubrick Plans Our Wedding
The story of how I fell in love with Karen in fourth grade, held on to that love through grade school, high school, college, post college, and then at age 25, met her at a Jewish street Festival and a year later we were wed.
The time has come to make a wedding. I have no idea what's involved in planning a wedding, and I have to confess that I couldn't care less.
I just want to be married to Karen. That's all I've ever wanted.
 Going into Yichud |
The party, all the oh-so-necessary craziness that comes alone with Jewish weddings, well, I'm 26-years old and I'm a guy and please, let somebody else deal with the painful details.
I don't care about the hall.
I don't care about the flowers.
I don't care about the band.
I don't care about the food.
I really don't care about the bridesmaids.
I do care about the photographer.
I want photos that capture Karen's beauty. I yearn for photos that will reflect this love affair I've had for her. But really, who are we going to hire, Akira Kurosawa?
I don't think so.
No, we end up hiring some fast-talking shmendrick. He proudly displays his portfolio and gee willikers, he has this amazing ability to make people of flesh and blood look like wax figures. But the price is right and really all the photographers in Brooklyn are pretty much the same. Hideous.
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I console myself with the thought that a close friend of mine, a very fine photographer, will be coming to the wedding with his Nikon and I can count on him for some truly lovely and artistic photos. But I have to admit that in the pit of my stomach, I have an awful feeling about this photographer. He just talks way too fast — and never says anything.
Karen is a dream of a bride. Unlike too many brides, she's not focused on the wedding; she cares about being married. She's a woman not a kid and she understands that obsessing on every little detail of a wedding might not be a very healthy sign.
Karen borrows a lovely gown. She's not about to blow thousands of dollars on a dress that will be worn just once. She has her priorities straight.
We go looking for a hall and she has a check-list of things that are important. (Karen has a book of check-lists for various vacations, and trips going back many years. I still pack for a trip the night before, helplessly asking Karen what I need as I fling items in my bag.)
This is what Karen wants in a hall:
1. Ample room so people can mix comfortably during the buffet. i.e. no pillars in the middle of the space to obstruct movement.
2. A dance floor that is a normal shape and big enough for the guests. We run into really weirdly shaped dance floors. The owners try and convince Karen that the floors are not oddly shaped. That they are interesting. Karen just looks at them like they are morons.
3. Parking that our guests don't have to pay for. Making guests pay for their own parking is a major sin.
4. A few other things that Karen patiently explains to me, but I have no idea what she's talking about. I'm thoroughly heterosexual, that's my only excuse.
I go along on these trips, but basically leave it to Karen and her father. I say very little, just nod my head every once in a while to show that I'm, well, breathing and involved.
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Finally, we end up at the Lido Beach Hotel. Karen starts checking things off her check list. So far so good. There's a nice surprise when we discover that in the area where the chuppah will take place the ceiling slides open with a low-grade rumble. Karen and I look at each other and smile. You are supposed to get married under the stars.
I wander around the hotel. It is huge and kind of, well, creepy. But creepy in a nice kind of way. It's very retro. Reminds me of B movies that I loved as a kid.
The Manager asks me what I do for a living. I tell him that I'm a screenwriter.
"Oh, that's interesting," he says. "Stanley Kubrick was just here last week."
Goodness
Gracious
Stanley Kubrick? Only one of the greatest directors ever.
"How come?"
"He's thinking of using The Lido Beach as the location for his next movie, The Shining."
"We'll take it," I blurt out, "We'll have our wedding here."
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Next installment: read with horror how the wedding photographer fulfilled every fear I had — and then some.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at November 23, 2005 03:30 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Life always has its way of finding its way back to "the big screen" -- doesn't it?
A most amusing tale.
Posted by: Pearl at November 23, 2005 06:08 PM
Pearl:
I took it as a sign that we should get married at Lido Beach Hotel. I was right. Except for the photographer. Oy.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 23, 2005 06:39 PM
Robert,
You've got me laughing out loud..."I don't care, I don't care, I don't care...Oh, wait, Stanley Kubrick?...I'M IN!!!Did he end up using that hotel for the movie? Heeeeeeere's Johnnny!
Posted by: Randi at November 23, 2005 06:45 PM
Randi:
No, Stanley ended up building a huge set over in England where he lived. But The Lido Beach Hotel really was the right place for us and I never regretted the choice for one moment.
As for the photographer, stay tuned. It's a tale that covers over 20 years.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 23, 2005 06:58 PM
And the events of "The Shining" set such an inspiring example of marital harmony too. How could you not want to be married there?
(Yes, I realise that you hadn't seen the film at that point).
Posted by: Michael Jennings at November 24, 2005 07:53 AM
Michael:
I was such a film geek that the vision of Kubrick walking the very same hallways, standing where I was going to have my chuppah--well, it just knocked me out. And look, my marriage is somewhat better than the one portrayed in The Shining, no?
Posted by: Robert at November 24, 2005 08:44 AM
All right, now you've committed yourself. You have to post wedding pictures. Your loyal readership demands it.
Posted by: Abby at November 24, 2005 09:47 AM
This is assuming that any photos were successfully taken.....
Posted by: Michael Jennings at November 24, 2005 10:24 AM
Abby:
Okey-dokey. Give me a few hours to get it together. But understand, there are only--well I don't want to give away how many there are, but not too many. Stay tuned.
Posted by: Robert at November 24, 2005 10:26 AM
Michael:
As I said, there are a few photos. In my next "How I Married Karen" chapter, I'll explain what happened with the photos.
Posted by: Robert at November 24, 2005 10:28 AM
Ok, I have to admit that this made me chuckle.
Posted by: Jack at November 24, 2005 02:07 PM
Jack:
OK, I have to admit that if I made you chuckle well, my day is made.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 24, 2005 02:22 PM
Robert...those pictures are gorgeous...I love the black and white...don't tell me those are the only 4 pictures you have, though. Karen, you look so beautiful. Your eyes seem to say it all... so content, and hopeful for your future.
Posted by: Randi at November 24, 2005 04:08 PM
Randi:
Yes, Karen was and is beautiful. There are a few more pictures but not many. As you can guess these were taken by my friend, not by the wedding photographer. Next week I'll fill you in on that disaster.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 24, 2005 04:36 PM
Thanks for the pictures! Robert, you look very nice but Karen is just stunning! Can't wait to hear what became of the other pictures.
Posted by: Lisa at November 24, 2005 06:39 PM
Lisa:
Glad you like the pictures. Yes, Karen is stunning. What you don't see is that I was crying during the whole ceremoney.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 24, 2005 08:09 PM
I must say Karen looks just stunning. The picture is a timeless portrayal of the classic beautiful bride. I can't wait to hear more about the wedding photos!
Have a good Shabbos,
Rachel ;)
Posted by: Rachel at November 25, 2005 05:08 AM
My goodness, the photos are great (thank G-d your friend w/the Nikon was there)!
Karen is gorgeous! And Robert...you look so happy and...different!!! Wow. What year is this?
Signed,
Another List Maker
Posted by: Stacey at November 25, 2005 06:04 AM
Listmaker:
Karen and I were mariied June 19, 1977.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 25, 2005 09:24 AM
For all who have never met Karen, I will only say that Karen is every bit as beautiful today as she was on June 19, 1977.
Sara
Posted by: Sara at November 26, 2005 08:46 AM
You posted them! You posted them!
You made my motzai shabbos!!
A gute vokh-
Abby
Posted by: abby at November 26, 2005 05:12 PM
Top 5 Signs You Hired the Wrong Jewish Wedding Photographer
5) When you ask about exposures, he angrily tells you he "doesn't do nude photography"
4) You keep finding his spent flashbulbs in the chopped liver
3) He follows you into Yichud
2) Brim of his black hat is blocking the lens in half the shots
1) 28 years since the simcha, and you're still waiting for the negatives!
Posted by: Jake at November 26, 2005 05:13 PM
Jake, 'fess up. You *were* there 28 years ago when Robert & Karen got married, weren't you!?
(or perhaps you, in fact, are their famous photographer -- hmmmm...) Maybe there wasn't even film in his camera at the time -- did you think of that?
Posted by: Pearl at November 26, 2005 05:48 PM
Pearl, I'm almost done with a three-act comedy about 3 different Jewish weddings, (Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform), and the part of the inept and annoying photographer was going to be in it before I read this stuff by Robert, I swear!
Posted by: Jake at November 26, 2005 05:59 PM
Ooh, she is so beautiful. You and she are a lovely couple. Shalom, Hadassah
Posted by: Hadassah (H. Raven Rose) at January 8, 2006 01:34 AM
Hadassah:
Thanks so much. Karen is beautiful. And every day I just wake up shocked that she actually married me.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at January 8, 2006 04:38 AM