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November 24, 2005
Who is Sylvia?
Here's what my Nanny, Chana Gittel, taught me about America: that we as Jews are blessed to be in this country and we should be forever grateful to this great country. She taught me that ingratitute is profoundly wrong.
When I was a child in Brooklyn, our family would gather together on Thanksgiving and led by Nanny, my mother, Mina Z"L, her sister, my favorite Aunt Pearlie, numerous other tantes (yiddish: aunts) and cousins would gather in the kitchen and like something out of an Offenbach opera, they would chatter away about this and that and cook up a meal of epic and heart attacking proportions.
Everyone knew how much I liked the food because I would unconsciously start humming during the meal.
"Robbie's humming," someone would announce.
"You like the food, little man?" said Pearlie.
"Hmmmmmmmm," I hummed.
Years later, with my own family, Karen and I continued this tradition, but we added a little formal component. For now the extended family was fractured. There were no grandparents at the table. Cousins were, for the most part, just rumors. And America, this great land of liberty, was I feared, taken for granted.
We went around the table and spoke of what we were grateful for.
Karen: I'm grateful for my family and for this country.
Robert: I'm grateful that Mommy married me. I'm grateful that we live in this great land.
Offspring #3: Do I have to?
Karen/Robert: Yes.
Offspring #3: I'm grateful for my parents and my friends.
Offspring #2: I'm also grateful for my family and my friends.
Ariel: Um...
Long pause as Ariel ponders...
Ariel: Um... I'm grateful for my parents, my sisters, and...
Karen/Robert: Yes?
Ariel: I'm grateful for all the work Mommy put into the meal we're about to eat.
Karen smiles: It wasn't all that much work, Ariel.
Ariel: Still.
This year, I want to express my gratitude to Sylvia, my stepmother. About a year after my mother was niftar, my father called me up and announced that he was "seeing someone" and maybe I should meet her. This was the first I had her about Sylvia. You can imagine my surprise.
My daddy dating?
Now, I call Sylvia Mom. Now, when I speak to Sylvia on the phone I tell her I love her. Now I have a great deal of trouble imagining a time when she was not in my life.
Sometimes I'm hit with a wave of guilt. Am I being disloyal to my mother by loving my stepmother so much? Is it wroing to love Sylvia so much?
I don't think so.
The truth is that Sylvia stepped into my fathers life, and repaired his loneliness without ever trying to replace my mother. Sylvia was always Sylvia, she never tried to be Mina and her exquisite sensitivity always touched me to the core.
I am profoundly grateful that in my father's late years he has been blessed with the love and companionship of a good and fine woman. And I, in my middle years have been given the gift of another loving mother.
We Avrech men have much to give thanks for on this Thanksgiving.
P.S. I'm still grateful that Karen married me.
A very Happy Thanksgiving to all our Seraphic Secret readers.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at November 24, 2005 08:54 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Let's hope that you or another family member directs Sylvia to this post, Robert. It really is lovely...and so is the woman you speak so highly of!
Posted by: Pearl at November 24, 2005 11:00 AM
Pearl:
Sylvia is amazing and so are her children, their spouses and grandchildren. I gained a whole new family. We are blessed.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 24, 2005 11:29 AM
Robert, there is so much to respond to in this post...I love the image of you as little "Robbie" humming in delight over the food. How wonderful that Ariel took a similar delight in the food, having thanked his mommy for her hard work and preparation.
Your description of your relationship with your step-mom touched me so. But it says so much about both of you. Having lived in a blended family, I know how difficult it can be. You and your step-mom both made a decision and effort to allow a relationship to grow...not many blended families attain that. Have a wonderful holiday.
Posted by: Randi at November 24, 2005 12:50 PM
Randi:
Every once in a while, I still find myself humming over a meal. As for my relationship with Sylvia, it has grown and matured into something quite special.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 24, 2005 01:16 PM
My beloved grandmother died when I was 12 and my grandfather remarried before I turned 13. My family did not speak to him for 3 years and I remember saying "SHE will never be my grandmother". I am embarrassed to admit that. When my dad died I was 16. Gramp and Peg travelled from Boston to the funeral. Peg patiently waited in the car allowing my grandfather time with his daughter, supporting him and respecting the fact that "we" did not accept her. When I went outside and discovered her waiting in the car, I insisted she come inside. She worried "What if they ask me to leave?" I replied "Then we will leave together." I hooked her arm in mine and we went inside and an alliance was formed that day.
Like Sylvia for you, Peg was a blessing for Grampy and our whole family. Blending is hard because we make it so. My "wicked step-daughter" is in labor right now with the first grandchild and I plan to be the best "wicked step-granny" I can. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Posted by: Lisa at November 24, 2005 07:01 PM
Lisa:
Thanks for the story. Happy Thanksgiving.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at November 24, 2005 08:07 PM
What a beautiful tribute to a special woman. Blended families don't have to be a nightmare.
Oh, and the part about the humming made me smile. My sister has done that her whole life. And now my 1-yr. old daughter does it, too, just like Tante Miriam.
Posted by: Stacey at November 25, 2005 05:56 AM