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January 06, 2006
My Ugetsu
The story of how I fell in love with Karen in fourth grade, held on to that love through grade school, high school, college, post college, and then at age 25, met her at a Jewish street Festival and a year later we were wed. Guess what, I got un-lazy, glued my butt to the desk and counted all the entries in this series. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. Counting is hard work.
The week before the wedding, Karen and I are not allowed to see one another.
It is tradition.
It is also torture.
At work, my mind wanders. I try and imagine where she is, what she's wearing, precisely what she's doing. I try and reconstruct the lilt of her voice, the way her hair moves when she looks over her shoulder. I especially like when Karen idly plays with her split ends. It's intensely private, and so terribly feminine.
I'm desperately lonely. I don't really have any close friends to confide in. Karen is my only friend. She is my present, my past, and my future.
Alone in my apartment on the Upper West Side, I pace like a lunatic about to explode. I ponder marriage and I wonder: what will happen to my character? I am who I am, but who will I become?
It's not good to be alone with these kinds of thoughts a few days before your wedding.
And so, I do what I always do — flee to the silver screen.
The movie is playing at my home away from home, the Thalia Movie Theater. Ugetsu, 1953 directed by the great Kenji Mizoguchi. I have heard about this film for many years but never had the opportunity to see it. Mizoguchi is interested in women and the limited, often tragic choices offered to them in Japanese society.
The stunning Machiko Kyo in Ugetsu
Ugetsu is his masterpiece. It tells the story of two families, medieval peasants trying to eke out wretched livings while warring Samurai rip the land apart. The husbands are greedy, ambitious for money and status, while their wives want, well, just simple decent lives.
This elemental conflict leads to tragedy.
The film unfolds in a stately, classical pace, perhaps a bit slow for modern audiences, but it is masterful. I am riveted as I watch husbands and wives compete for what is right and important in life.
Of course, the husbands are entirely clueless. Their overriding ambitions, and physical passions, lead to short-lived pleasure, wealth and fame, and then comes the inevitable downfall.
Ugetsu is also a ghost story. But unlike any you have ever seen. It is sensual and haunting, and I shudder at the plight of the ghost, for it too is a victim of terrible times.
The ending of the film just rips my heart out. Thick tears run down my cheeks.
I realize that Karen will civilize me. I understand that the role of women has always been to take the clay of boys and make us into men.
A few days later, as I stand under the Chuppah, the wedding canopy, and the Sheva Brachos, the Seven Wedding Blessing are being intoned, I am once again weeping. I am weeping from joy, but I am also recalling the last scene from Ugetsu.
My Ugetsu.
But Karen is proud and clear-eyed, luminous as a Mizoguchi heroine. She looks at me and smiles; my heart soars.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at January 6, 2006 09:13 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Mazel Tov, Robert & Karen.
You're finally married...
Posted by: Pearl at January 6, 2006 10:36 AM
Pearl:
Yes, and it only took, let me see, I met Karen when I was 10 years old. I married her when I was 26. Hmm, just 16 years to convince her.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at January 6, 2006 10:46 AM
Is Karen still sculpting you, Robert? (unlike Karen, I blubbered the whole way down the aisle, out of sheer joy of course...afterall, I had found a wonderful man to love and who loved me...a Jewish man who actually knew how to use a hammer).
Posted by: Randi at January 6, 2006 11:50 AM
Randi:
Karen sculpts and hammers and does the best she can -- for I am but humble material.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at January 6, 2006 11:57 AM
"I realize that Karen will civilize me. I understand that the role of women has always been to take the clay of boys and make us into men."
Agree completely with the first sentence. The second one? Not so much.
I consider point one as beyond refutation. As for point two, a woman's role is, or should be, complementary. Children, especially boys, need a strong father to shape the clay and properly teach a boy what it means to be a man. Discipline. Respect. Self-control. Maturity.
I'm confident that no small number of modern single mothers struggle heroically to raise their boys properly. God bless them. Given the recurring theme of fatherless upbringings amongst our incarcerated classes, though...
And if you weren't yet a man at 26, Robert, then my opinion of the missus just increased exponentially!
Posted by: Mikel at January 6, 2006 01:09 PM
Mikel:
I agree with you completely. Children need fathers. Anybody who thinks otherwise is a moron. However, you know what, a part of male nature never quite grows up and women just have to take some of us in hand and show us how to be, well, good solid men. IMHO. Thanks so much for your articulate comment.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at January 6, 2006 01:16 PM
Robert, I love these stories. I always wonder what Karen is thinking as she reads what you write. But just about the time I'm ready to run get some popcorn, its over. BooHoo. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Suz at January 6, 2006 07:26 PM
Suz:
I think Karen is kind of, well, embarrassed. But she is tolerant of my, um, obsessive love for her. And I think she kind of gets a bit of a kick of seeing inside my (somewhat warped) mind. Glad you like How I Married Karen. More to come.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at January 7, 2006 06:28 PM
When I read these entries I feel mostly humbled and undeserving. Each person's subjective reality is different and there is no way anyone can enter into another person's soul. So Robert's perception of me is precious to me, but also a mystery. It is a blessing, but sometimes I wonder what hall of mirrors he is walking through.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at January 8, 2006 01:23 PM
What a wonderful blog you have. Thank you for sharing this beauty w/ us.
Posted by: Jobber at January 8, 2006 05:27 PM
Karen, re. your mirror imagery. It is said that "Life is a mirror. If you frown, it frowns back. If you smile, it returns the greeting."
And no doubt, Karen, regardless of what hall of mirrors Robert chooses to walk through, your reflection is there smiling out at him from every mirror.
Posted by: Pearl at January 8, 2006 06:16 PM
Karen, obviously Robert's hall of mirrors is papered with pictures of you. You are a woman blessed. Thanks to you both for sharing with us.
Posted by: Suz at January 9, 2006 04:35 PM
This story got me to thinking. I had a similar crush on a very young girl, maybe a little younger than these 2, maybe we were 7-8 yo. Years later, I met her again, at college, we were both attending the same place, and for some reason, I surpressed this previous fondness, the possibility of a very special romantic adventure, now in a more mature stage.
I remember thinking at the time, that I wasn't ready for something so hot and heavy, and then, rather than say, explore this issue, I just dropped the hot potatoe. I should mention that she had put on quite alot of weight, so maybe I allowed this to cloud my inner feelings. (I heard that a few years later she lost every drop of this excess).
It is also quite obvious that feelings for one's spouse should be constantly spoken.
Posted by: Jobber at January 9, 2006 07:36 PM
Suz:
You are quite welcome. We enjoy sharing with you too.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at January 9, 2006 10:35 PM
It is good to know that dreams can become reality.
Posted by: Jack at January 10, 2006 12:29 AM
Jack:
It tends to happen when you watch a lot of classical Japanese films. They teach you to be insanely tenacious in the face of seemingly impossible odds.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at January 10, 2006 02:34 AM
Re. your addendum introductory paragraph:
After all your hard work, here's the wrench I'm throwing into the equation: "So...*who* needs to count?" (Imagine Jackie Mason or nasally Barbra Streisand throwing this out at you!)
Posted by: Pearl at January 11, 2006 01:50 PM
Pearl:
I have received numerous requests from readers asking me to put chapter numbers on the "How I Married Karen" series. It seems that quite a few people are printing the series out, binding, and giving it as a gift to their loved one.
That's me: The Jewish Cupid.
Posted by: Robert Avrech at January 11, 2006 02:00 PM
Wow... Maintain all copyrights! And remember the residuals at the end of the year!
After all, you are planning a Seraphic Press graphic novel of this bestselling love affair...
Robert, you have such potential material for books, screenplays...it's mind-boggling. I'll be pleased to say "I knew you when...you were just a (lazy -- your words, not mine!) struggling blogger who was a Hollywood screenwriter on the side!"
Don't advertise yourself as a Jewish Cupid--people will be wanting to use your shadchan wisdom to find their matches...but won't want to have to wait about 16 years to do so!
Posted by: Pearl at January 11, 2006 02:13 PM
Pearl:
Yes, Karen and I are planning on publishing How I Married Karen as an illustrated novel. Think novel slash scrapbook.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at January 11, 2006 07:14 PM