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February 22, 2006
Iranian High
This just in from CNN.
As Seraphic Secret readers know our friend and commenter, Jake Novak works over at CNN, every once in a while he runs across a story that, well, they just won't let him run.
Here's a beauty.
Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel for Bad Grades
By Jake Novak
(Tehran) Ravi Parshavan, a perennial "C" student at Tehran's Ayatollah Khatami High School, has suddenly risen to the top of his class by systematically blaming Israel, the Jews, and the United States for all his sub-par marks.
"I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner," said a smug Parshavan after evening prayers, "I mean all day, all we hear about is how the Jews are responsible for all our problems. Our teachers say this, our newspapers say this, and our president doesn't really say anything else. I finally realized that my bad grades are my problem, so why not blame the Jews for that? Wouldn't you know it? A week after I start the whole, 'it's the Jews' fault' excuse, I'm getting straight A's!"
"We are very proud of Ravi," said his 10th grade math instructor Mahmoud Ramishaveri, "he successfully explained to the whole class that the Jews' control of the international interest rate system is the reason why he can't do simple percentage equations. Frankly, I always thought it was because he was a lazy dimwit, but then the nice armed gentlemen from the government showed me how smart Ravi really is."
Ravi's parents are showing the same kind of bewildered pride in his sudden success.
"Sure, I was a little upset when he stopped making his bed and doing the rest of his chores. But then I realized he was just trying to lay low so the Jews wouldn't find him and use his blood for their Passover rituals," said his mother Reza with the approval of several government soldiers in her living room. They proceeded to beat her anyway after the interview for speaking in public.
But the Jews aren't the only successful targets of Parshavan's blame game. His failing marks in gym and terrible performances in soccer matches have been explained away as the result of America's greedy domination of key resources like healthy food, athletic shoes, and air to inflate soccer balls.
"I would be a regular David Beckham, that infidel pig of the West, if the Americans weren't keeping me from getting the athletic gear I need. Curse them all!" Parshavan explained.
Parshavan is now guaranteed of graduating as his class valedictorian, and his new-found wisdom may also gain him admission to the world's leading universities.
"I very much look forward to having young Ravi join our Middle Eastern Studies program," said Professor Joseph Massad of Columbia University. "Not only has he correctly identified the sources of all his problems at an unusually young age, but he should be able to help me shout down the pro-Israel students in my class when I get a little hoarse."
Parshavan isn't sure if he will attend university in America, however.
"It could be fun to go to New York, but I do have an awesome rock-throwing team scholarship to Beir Zeit University in Palestine. So I do have to weigh all my offers," he explained.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at February 22, 2006 09:09 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Very funny!
Posted by: kishke at February 22, 2006 09:38 AM
Kishke:
So you think this is funny. This is serious stuff. Don't you realize we're facing an existential threat from Iranian High?
Posted by: Robert Avrech at February 22, 2006 09:41 AM
Kishke:
Thank you! I used to write 1-2 of these satirical "Onion-like" stories every week, but now I'm writing longer-form stuff. Anyway, in all seriousness, why don't more Arabs and Muslim school students try this excuse?
By the way, seeing your user name last week was the muse for my next Jewish Week Top 10. I get paid for those, so I will wait to post it here. But the topic is: "Top 10 Jewish Fraternity Hazing Rituals."
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 09:49 AM
I was wondering if there would be a face-off on the football field between students at Iranian High and Seraphic University... What do their cheerleaders look like, I wonder!
Posted by: Pearl at February 22, 2006 10:08 AM
Pearl:
Iranian cheerleaders just shoot guns in the air, hitting the people in the upper deck. This is why we'll make this an "away" game.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 10:12 AM
Pearl:
I am still scarred by the US soccer team's loss to Iran in 1998 World Cup, so I'm not sure I want to take the Iranians on in a sporting event again.
However, I'd match wits with them in the college bowl trivia contests any day.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 10:14 AM
Top 5 Iranian University Football Cheers
5) "Sis, boom, Allah!"
4) "Rah Rah Ree... bomb 'em in the knee!"
3) "We want a hostage!"
2)"Let's go Shiites!"
1)"Block that... UN Weapons Inspector!"
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 10:31 AM
LOL! That's hilarious! In the beginning, I almost fell for it... You never know, what with today's news, etc.!
Posted by: Irina at February 22, 2006 10:42 AM
Jake:
Where do I access the top 10? Is it posted online?
Posted by: kishke at February 22, 2006 10:44 AM
I say we riot in the streets over this.
Posted by: Randi(cruisin-mom) at February 22, 2006 11:05 AM
Did not find this amusing. More demonization of others. Real people like myself, lived in Israel, fought in a war, served in the IDF.
Armchair players having rich mans fun, that is all this post is. Dopey, bad buzz.
The tribe will rally around I am certain.
Posted by: Jobber at February 22, 2006 11:11 AM
jobber, you make me tired. Good job, Jake
**sounds of the tribe rallying**
Posted by: suziannr at February 22, 2006 11:33 AM
Kishke:
I will email you the list offline. They don't exactly pay me a fortune at the JW, but a deal's a deal. After a few weeks, it's okay to post it for free. (The Jewish Week doesn't put any of the joke material on its web site... it's a good move, lots of people are buying the paper for that alone).
Irina:
I'm glad I ALMOST caught you there! You know there are some Asian news services that get duped by "The Onion" every week! They think it's real news. I once wrote a "story" about Cookie Monster getting attacked by Atkins fanatics that a few of them fell for too. Funny thing is, I'm NOT trying to fool anyone! Making people laugh is mostly incumbent on letting them "in on" the joke.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 12:10 PM
Fantastic story, and I love your top 5 as well, Jake! Sometimes satire and humor are the best weapons against hate. Oh, and would you please pick up some milk on your way home? ; )
Posted by: Adar at February 22, 2006 12:13 PM
Randi:
Okay, we can riot... but instead of burning flags, can we barbeque some steaks, sea bass, and corn on the cob? I'm a little hungry.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 12:20 PM
Thanks, Jake.
Posted by: kishke at February 22, 2006 12:32 PM
Jake, I don't think I really need to say this do I? But...I'll bring the babke.
Posted by: Randi(cruisin-mom) at February 22, 2006 12:44 PM
Randi:
Okay, but with all that food we're going to have to make this a combination protest/5k run. Make sure someone brings the grill with wheels.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 12:49 PM
George Foreman says: "I'm in!".
Posted by: Randi(cruisin-mom) at February 22, 2006 12:59 PM
Jake, I can't see 'cause of all this wool blocking my vision.
Like Irina, I too thought this was a serious piece you'd sent me earlier today...
(to me, that's the sign of a good writer, a great comic!)
Posted by: Pearl at February 22, 2006 01:44 PM
Pearl:
It happens. The content is not what fooled you.. it was the format. This is the format newspapers have used for years. It's formulaic, easy to copy, and a reason why they are failing.
Posted by: Jake at February 22, 2006 02:17 PM
MEMO: Office of The President
TO: Student Body, Seraphic University
We would like to proudly announce that Jake Novak has just signed a long term contract with Seraphic University. He will be teaching, um, stuff, in the Northern Tower on Mondays and Thursdays.
Professor Jake has been given a Health Plan, but it's only good in Tehran. Professor Jake gets off on Yom Kippur, but not on Shmini Atzeret.
Professor Jake also wants to know if Randi AKA Cruisin' Mom, AKA Shootin' Mom, AKA Commentin' Mom, will bring him coffee and chocolate Babke in the morning, prior to his lectures.
This is, of course, beyond our control. Afterall, this is, thank goodness, not Harvard, we do not force our students to act like unthinking robots.
However: if Randi takes Professor Jake's course on, er, "Stuff 101," the morning coffee and Babke might bring up her grade average a few crucial points.
Just a random thought.
Take your time to consider.
No pressure.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at February 22, 2006 11:57 PM
Thanks for this nomination! Randi, no need to worry, I NEVER drink coffee. In fact, I've never, ever, had a cup of coffee in my life. It's one of the reasons I really loved the anti-coffee lunatic protagonist in the Mark Helprin book: "Tales from the Ant-Proof Case."
As for babka: I'm known to indulge from time to time.
Posted by: Jake at February 23, 2006 08:12 AM