Oy vey...I'm almost embarrassed...well, no, not really!

And Robert, how thoughtful of you to provide me with the Chanel gown, the Manolo Blahnik heels, but really, the Harry Winston jewels are a bit over the top.

I'll meet you at the shooting range to retrieve my prizes.

In all seriousness, thanks for holding the contest Robert. It's been fun to see who we all were before coming together in this very unique way.

Randi:

You look great in the gown, the heels, the jewels. Don't forget to return them after the ceremonies.

Good speech. Short and sweet.

Send me your address in a private e-mail, okay?

It was fun. I'll have to think up another contest.

Ideas anyone?

Oh Randi, my coffee, please?

Uh, excuse me Robert...you don't really expect me to be fetching that coffee any longer, now do you?

What do you mean RETURN the gown, the shoes, and the heels? I was planning on wearing them to the shooting range.

Randi:

I suppose not. You won the big contest. You're a celebrity now. I'll just have to, gulp, get my own coffee.

And I thought I was a Hollywood big shot.

Sigh.

The image of you in Chanel, Manolo, and a thick triple string of pearls at the shooting range, well, I'm in. Totally.

Pearls...did I hear my name? Or are you just stringing me along?

Randi, just remember when you go shooting with Robert: the lyrics are "Hit me with your best shot!" not "Hit *him* with your best shot!"

Congrats, Randi.

Looking at the reveal....Boy, was I really off on some of my guesses.

That was fun....

When is the next contest.

Lance, as Robert would say: you were (don't mean that you aren't now) A-Dorable!

Lance:

I'm taking suggestions for the next contest right now. Write to me privately with any ideas, okay?

Pearl:

Just re-read your comment. And again.
WHAP!
Hear that? That is the sound of my palm slapping my forehead.

Hard.

Got the pun. Finally.

Okay, I'm slooooow.

Hence, this late response.

Robert, you haven't figured me out yet, after all these months? I LOVE to play with words -- and even play on them!

Pearl:

You haven't figured me out yet, after all these months? Which is to say: that women are for me, and for most of the men I know who are willing to be honest, a dazzling and bewildering mystery--puns included.

Touche! (imagine the accent on the e)

Oh, my! I think I'm in love. You folks over here are just adorable. I've heard such wonderful things about this blog but, frankly, I'm overwhelmed at the prospect of catching up to everyone else here. There's so much I don't want to miss. I remember how beautifully you wrote about your son, may he rest in peace, in your essays that were printed in the Jewish Press. I'm tempted to ask for the Cliff Notes you mentioned in the comments a few posts back but, no, that wouldn't do your writing justice, I'm sure. *sigh* I'll just have to dedicate a week to Seraphic Secret and just hope I'll catch up on my sleep some other month.

Ayelet:

It's true, everyone is a-dorable. It happens spontaneously; the more time you spend on this blog, the cuter do your very cells become.

Don't worry about catching up. Don't worry about the Cliff Notes.

Here is some advice.

Normally, I charge a huge amount of consulting money for this, but here at Seraphic Secret, well, I'm no longer a powerful Hollywood broker, just a regular guy dispensing some pretty neat ideas--more or less.

Here goes:

When I start writng a screenplay or a novel, I become absolutely frozen with fear.

I cannot do it.
It's too much.
The story won't come together.
The characters make no sense.
There are too many pages.
Too many words.
Far too many letters.

I have no talent.
I am a faker.
At last I will be revealed.

I crawl into bed and hope that the world will forget about me.

It doesn't. The deadline looms.
The phone rings. Producers. Agents. Whining D-girls.

And then I play "The Game." I tell myself to: Write One Word.

I do.

Write another.

I do it.

Word by Word.
One at a Time.

And you know what happens, the single word becomes a tsunami of words.

Suddenly I'm buried under a flurry of pages. The script is done. And I am, well, not exactly happy, but at least I'm no longer cowering in bed.

It's the same way with reading Seraphic Secret. Just start with, oh, "How I Married Karen," a sure crowd pleaser, and all will be fine.

And get this: Before you know it a nice lady named Randi will show up at your front door with a hot cup of coffee.

Welcome to Seraphic Secret, Ayelet.

Congrats to Randi. Welcome Ayelet. I got the pun Pearl.

Robert, how about excerpts (or descriptions of past posts) from assorted blogs and people have to guess (without googling) which (fairly typical) writing matches which blogger.

Hey Rabbi Neil:

That's a very ineresting notion.

I guess each Seraphic Friend would submit an excerpt from his/her blog and I'd just lay them out with a list of possible bloggers.

Though when they get to "Ten Reasons Why blah blah blah," everyone might have a pretty good idea of who authored that one.

But listen, I'd like to hear from the others.

What does everyone else think?

Thanks Rabbi Neil, always good to hear from our Funniest Rabbi.

Welcome Ayelet.

This is the best blog community on the net.

Robert has done a wonderful job of building a warm and welcoming place....and we have the special treat of enjoying Robert's wonderful writing.

I think you will find as you peruse Robert's past postings that you will be drawn in....and you will look up and realize you have been in front of your computer for an hour or more.

I urge you to take the time.....and again welcome.

Robert....

I think that Rabbi Neil has something here....

It would be a nice way for others to introduce their blog to the Seraphic Secret community.

Lance:

Okay, that's one for Rabbi Neil.

And how much did we agree on for your booster comments to Ayelet? I'll meet you in the alley behind the casino, under the blinking neon light, when the streets are slick with rain. Cash only, right?

Cash only, right?

Of course ;)

Ayelet, we share a blog...Our Kids Speak.

It's true, all of Robert's readers are unusually cute.

Read Robert married Karen...it's the stuff movies are made of.

When you finish, let me know, and I'll be over with your coffee...one lump or two?

Randi -
I'd go with Bagley Mishka and diamonds, not pearls

MH

Mata Hari...you send 'em, I'll wear 'em! (And I'll even mention your name on the Red Carpet)

I think Neil has a wonderful idea. His own blog is most creative and filled with taunts and brain teasers. I'm sure his contributions to such a contest would have us twisted in confusion.

Ooh, brain teasers, I'll have to add another blog to my feeds. Also the one with the top-tens. So many blogs, so little time!

Robert, I can't believe you know what the bias is in that context. Must be a Hollywood thing, for men to know that.

Randi - your stylist should be able to get it free from the designer. You do have a stylist, don't you?!

Oooooops, I was busy over the weekend and didn't get to play. I like Rabbi Neil's idea. Congrats to Randi - but if you win again next time, we'll know it was rigged. How did Robert know what size the gown should be anyway? Hmmmm? I smell a conspiracy! Ha.

But seriously, good contest (and Pearl, I got the pun, too!)

(btw, some of you may know me as SS on blogger, author of Ruach MeMalelah)

Kiwi:

Yup, I know what a bias cut is. I even know how to do it. I saw it done on one of my films by an incredibly talented designer/seamstress--between takes!

Working with talented Costume Designers in motion pictures is a great education. One that I'd normally never be exposed to. In fact, Costume Designers are some of my favorite Hollywood people. The others are Set Designers.

Some day I will blog about these extraordinarily creative and hard-working people whose work is so important, yet the public knows almost nothing about them.

Darn! And I thought the whole "cut on the bias" discussion was going to give me a chance to write about the NY Times for 10 paragraphs!

Seriously, I used to work out every day at a gym on 42nd Street (Manhattan Plaza) that was frequented by Broadway understudies, costume designers, and set designers. They were very cool people, and they had to deal with the pressure of fixing up clothes and sets for 9 live shows a week. I used to call them "Broadway's Glue" and they loved it!

Sarah:

Sorry you didn't get to play. We missed you.

Okay, you also like Rabbi Neil's idea!

Momentum is building.

Now, as to your dark hint that the contest was rigged because I had the gown ready for Randi.

I am hurt.
I am offended.
But I will not burn any embassies.
Nor the Sarah flag.
For I am civilized.

Instead, I will explain that:

Seraphic Secret had a close friend, an award winning Costume Designer who I've worked with on several films, standing by--tape-measure in hand, pins between lips--all ready to custom build a gown for our Seraphic Contest winner. If a male would be our winner, no problemo! A tuxedo of such fine wool would be constructed that Armani would weep.

For that is how we do things at Seraphic Secret.

Robert, could you please tell your costume designer, not so many pins in compromising places next time...other than that, good job. (by the way, how do you think people figured out this whole thing was rigged?)

Randi:

Cannot deliver message.
Deathly afraid of Costume Designer.
And she always has huge scissors in her hand.
Just Huge.

As for the rigging?

I've said it a hundred times, Seraphic Friends are the smartest people around.

Not to mention: a-dorable.

Congratulations to Randi! You all are just so cute! Makes me sad I never got down to my Mom's to get a picture. Oh well, next contest...

Also, I firmly believe that in the blog world all the women are perfect size 6"s, in shape, tanned and gorgeous...so any gown Robert arranged would have to fit! (I'll picture you all that way if you'll do the same for me!)

I'd like to burn an embassy once or twice, maybe even engage in a little pillaging and plunder. It is my inner pirate.

Ok, let me ask a few questions. Am I a wimpy pirate if I don't want to hurt anyone and really don't want to burn an embassy because I don't want to pay for it and am afraid of incarceration.

Lisa, I don't think I've ever been a size 6 --okay, maybe when I was 6 years old, a couple of years before that Seraphic pic was taken. And tanned... What's that? You see those freckles of mine? That's the deal -- sunburn and freckles, sunburn and freckles. Cute when you're 8, but not at 44. And we won't even talk about "in shape."

Nonetheless, can I carry your complimenting self in my back pocket? It's good for the ego.

Jack:

Gee, I'm sorry to be a downer for your inner-child, but I just don't think you qualify as an honest to gosh pirate. I'd say you sound more like a, prepare yourself: vicious lawyer.

Pearl- I think we were separated at birth...LOL!

Hmm...A vicious lawyer. Something tells me that I could do that and do it well.

Sorry I offended you... methinks thou dost protest too much, however... It's all about protexia, isn't it?

Don't worry, Jake, I'd make a terrible pirate - seasickness...

Sarah, I don't think we call it "protexia" here. 'Round these parts, we just like to thank of it as "shlep...having shlep."

Robert, are you just showing off or do you not realize how powerful you are with words? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt like a good Jewess should. I thank you for the warm welcome. And I eagerly anticipate the pending tsunami as I read just one post. And then, maybe, one more....

Ayelet:

Just writing. Hoping my words make a connection with my readers. If they do, I am content. And you Ayelet, end up reading this word and then this word and... most any word you want.