Lance's action reflects that of a fine friend...or a "find." The sign of a true mensch.

It's the action of an "ehrliche Yid." (It defies translation. Straight. Honest. Authentic. True.)

Pearl:

Nothing to add. Nothing to subtract.

A deeply moving story.

Thank you for reminding us that silence can add to the immeasurable suffering experienced by grieving parents.

Tamara:

It's silence that really hurts. Thanks so much for writing.

What a beautiful, lovely gesture. I am at work, sitting at my desk, crying.

Stacey:

Lance is a fine person. I'm sure he'd offer you a tissue if he was there.

Robert:

Your beautiful words honor me....
And they honor my parent's memory.

Thank you.

I want to add that the minyan at Young Israel of Century City was very warm and welcoming.

After I led davening for Shachrit (morning services)practically everyone came up to me to wish my father an "aliyah". Here I am...a visitor....and they treated me like a lifelong member.

It is a credit to Rav Muskin....and the members of Young Israel of Century City.

No fair making me tear up at work.

I never have words for these posts, I just sit here and let myself be moved by them, and don't comment. This time I figured I'd let that be my comment.

I, my siblings, and our families joined my mother in visiting my father's grave in Idaho last summer. Dad was not old when he died, 58, so my wife never met him.

The grave site is on a green hillside in the midst of farm country, and faces east across Bear Lake. Four other generations of my ancestors are buried there. Some are marked to indicate that the ancestor crossed the Great Plains to Idaho by handcart or covered wagon sometime in the mid-19th Century.

Perhaps we are an irreverent people, or, more likely, we just don't know how to grieve. Our visit consisted of gathering the grandchildren around his gravestone for photographs. I suppose it's a way of trying to forge a bond with a grandfather they never knew.

After the photography, we fanned out to see how many graves of ancestors we could locate. Most had lived to a ripe old age, but it's sobering to see how high infant mortality was a century ago.

Then it was off to the lake side for raspberry shakes and a swim.

I don't know which way of remembering is healthier, yours or ours. It appears that both work for those involved.

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown," my grandmother used to say. Her first born, who would have been my uncle, died in his early 20s.

It felt obscene to assume that I could make that crown any lighter, but ... that, I venture, is what Seraphic readers attempt to do.

Lance:

I waited a few days to write this post because, well, how to put into words something so profoundly good and moving?

I have often written about the inadequacy of words and how small they make me feel. And yet it is all we have.

You performed a tremendous mitzvah that we will never forget.

Ralphie:

No, it's not fair, but it is just.

For those readers who can read and understand Hebrew and/or Yiddish, I strongly urge you to visit a Jewish cemetery when it's appropriate. My dad used to take me to one every fast day. The things you learn about people and history are incredible. The Gates of Prayer Cemetery in New Orleans is particularly interesting as well as the old Jewish cemetery in my old home town of Norfolk, VA which is homes to the graves of some colonial Jewish heros. The good deed of visiting gravesites is something that I fear is on the wane in Jewish life.

Thanks, Jake. You're right about learning from it. Even if you don't understand Hebrew or Yiddish (like me), you should go to a Jewish cemetery.

Of course, I didn't mean to sound like a snob. There is MUCH to be learned by going to non-Jewish cemeteries as well. Cemeteries are there to help us remember and learn, we shouldn't forget them.

Jake, you speak with authority. Far from a snob.

Jeremiah, thank you. And of course, I realize Robert post about Lance's act was meant to highlight the emotional, not educational, value of visiting gravesites. I couldn't add to that, so I thought I'd remind folks of what you can learn even if you don't have an emotional stake in things.

Lance, how kind of you to have visited Ariel's grave.

I recently told Robert, that not a day goes by that I don't think about how and why Seraphic Secret was started.

Robert and Karen were willing to share their unimaginable grief with a world of strangers.

Somehow, that world of stranger's became a community of friends.

All because of Ariel.

Another beautiful posting and somehow I knew the Seraphic friend was Lance. Like so many others on this blog...just good, kind, loving people but there have been a few from the start who are just so warm and nurturing. Now I have to check my new contacts...I've never cried in them before....thanks guys!
Lisa

Thank you Randi, Pearl, and others for the kind words.

I am really blessed to be a member of a wonderful community.

Ger T:

And fine words they are, thank you. BTW, I've been reading your blog. Very moving.

Kent:

Thanks for drawing such a vivid picture of your family and their resting place. If there's one thing I've learned since Ariel died it's that there is no one way proper to grieve. Each family must find its own path and that ends up being the right way.

Jake:

Even when I visit Ariel's grave, I wander about and study the other gravestones and ponder the lives that are no more.

Randi:

"All because of Ariel." Nothing more needs to be said. Thank you Randi.

Lisa:

Sounds like you've been a pretty careful reader. Take care of those contacts, we want you to continue reading, and running your wonderful business.

Lisa:

Robert's right.....

Or as I say....GOAT POWER!!!

Actually in practice a chiyuv of a Yahrtzeit gets preference over a member. Well since I am not a friend I can't really participate in the friendship but that is not my decision. I would be a good friend also, but I only talk to myself.
But it was a nice and moving post. I also say Tehillim every day, I want to reccomend this to those who get depressed. I cannot explain why this helps, maybe Robert knows.

"A tzadik after death is still called alive"

Ariel built a new community even after he left us.

I only wonder what he would have done had he stayed.

Ari:

As do we, every single day.

A nice man.
Thank you for sharing. It came at the end of a tough day and inspired me when I needed it most.

When we stop to think once, twice if we should do something that seemingly has no benefit to us, we lose. We lose the opportunity to do something, however hidden, for someone else.

And I'm sure Lance was not trying to make my day better when he performed this 'chesed shel emet.'

Betsy:

It's always a good shock to the system when we confront a selfless act. It reminds us that lovingkindness exists, and if someone else does it, well, so can we.

We're glad we were able to lighten the burden of your day.

Robert:
It's only my second day with contacts, LOL! Not sure I like them either! I am a careful reader..and I read all your posts but I don't always feel smart enough to comment on some topics. I learn a great deal here.

Anyone want to know how I knew the Seraphic friend was Lance? I posted here one time a little unsure of myself and Lance emailed me right away with support. I offered to send him a sample of what I do...and his only request was some for his sister. A beautiful heart.

Lisa:

I tried contacts once--for about five minutes. "Get these things out of my eyes!" I begged/screamed/threatened the poor eye doc. They tell me they have made great strides with softer lenses, but I figure my eye balls are a lot softer than any lenses they can come up with so I'm sticking with my old school specs.

Glad you learn things here at Seraphic U. We're only as smart as our students.

And yes, Lance has a beautiful heart.

I've met the most amazing people through my blog. Some have opened their homes to me. This internet is capable of a lot of good.

Dear Psychotoddlet:

Same here, as this and numerous other postings testify to. Glad to hear that we're sharing the same experience.

Dear JS:

This circle of friends was not planned in any way. It sprang up from the hearts and minds of like-minded people who just happened to gravitate to this space for various reasons. We are Jews and non Jews, Conservatives and Liberals, and a-political poets--but in the end we are all just trying to be good and decent people who love America and Israel.

Meeting one another has been a minor miracle.

JS welcome to Seraphic Secret. We look forward to getting to know you and perhaps also meeting you face to face.

Robert, an incredible story, as are so many of those on this site.

My father's yartzheit is near the end of this new month of Adar, and I am reminded both that I should visit his gravesite, but also I am reminded that of his lament that his parents, murdered in Auschwitz, did not have gravesites he could go visit; the comment that Jake made about reviving the custom of visiting gravesites prompted that memory.

I was sitting reading the depressing news today, after a hard day in the "office" (the ER), and this story was the antidote to the gloomy depression I was feeling.

Thanks for the sharing you have done with your writing.

Maurice:

May your father's memory be a blessing.

I try and console myself that the millions murdered, martyred, turned to ashes and who have no gravestones -- well we the living are their yahrtzeits, their living memorials.

Karen and I are glad that our blog can inject some hope into days of gloom.

Thanks so much for writing.

I find alot of the behavior very vicious and non frum. I fail to see, why having a different view means that you are snubbed and shunned.

I find this similar to what lies beneath the surface in the modern Orth. world, the dirty laundry, the cliques, the fights, etc...

Here you have an opportunity to make a tikun.

Robert/Lance - the whole story is really beautiful...starting with the fact that you met through the blog, became friends and then had to chance to actually meet in person and create an aliyah for the neshoma. Here's where the internet is being used for something positive.

Very nice of you Lance. It's very comforting that Ariel will not be forgotten.
Not to hijack; but when my sister passed at a young age, approx 2 1/2years ago, people come up to my parents daily letting them know how much my sister meant to them, helped them, or did something to brighten their day.

Mata Hari:

Good to hear from you. This blog has been blessed with good friends right from the beginning. We believe that Ariel's spirit makes it so.

Simon:

No hijack at all. May your sister's memory be a blessing.

It's good to hear that your parents friends are acting appropriately.

Thank you Robert for writing. Thank you Lance for giving what to write about. May Ariel's memory continue to be blessed.

Sigh.

Rabbi Fleischmann:

Thanks so much for your kind words. Always good to hear from you.

Robert,

You and Karen have touched many hearts with your stories about yourselves and Ariel. His physical presence may be gone, but his spirit lives on.

Certainly those of us who did not have the pleasure of meeting him in person have some inkling of who he was and what he did.

And without a doubt the responsibility for making him into who he was is something that we can lay at the feet of his parents.

It has been a privilege to be part of this community and to learn with all of you, because I really do feel as if this little corner of cyberspace has touched me and helped me grow as a person.

Jack:

From the beginning your comments have been an invaluable part of Seraphic Secret. Your measured tone, sharp intelligence, good humor and generous words are deeply appreciated.

Robert, imagine my thoughts when I read the archives at Larry Elder's townhall site and came upon a post about you and about Ariel. What a special young man blessed yours and Karen's lives. I thank God that Ariel continues to live in your hearts and memories

Suz:

Yes, Ariel loved Larry's radio show and they had a wonderful visit together. Larry and I have been friends ever since. A great man.

Robert
I have read today in one go, all your blog entries about your dear Ariel ZTL. I had so many reactions to the beatiful and loving text. Unfortunaetly I do not have your writing talent to express what 3-4 hours of reading your blog have done to me. Strangly the strongest emotion I feel is that of envy.Please don't misunderstand me. You were just so lucky to have spent 22 years with the beautiful young man. I wish you, your wife (this being a translation of the Hebrew) "Please God you should not know any more sadness" I hope your family grows and brings you both happiness and 'richtiker Yiddisher Naches'! God bless you all.

Yaffa

p.s
I came accross your blog address on the 'Treppenwitz' blog, which is written by an American Oleh to Efrat and which I read daily here in frozen Yorkshire England.

Savta Yaffa:

Thanks so much for your kind and generous words of chizuk, strength. I am amazed that you took so much time to read about Ariel, ZT'L, yet I have to admit that I am deeply comforted for that is the reason I wrote them.

Thank you so much.

I too read Treppinwitz every day. He is a fine man who writes a fine journal.

P.S. Stay warm as you can in frozen Yorkshire. And when you can, visit us here in warm and sunny Los Angeles.

just a note of appology in case my previous email was tactless as it seems to me this morning. However - I wrote and tried to explain how I felt after spending several hours reading a most touching love letter to a son. I thank God for giving us four boys and keeping them alive - but hand on the heart - I have never experienced the depth of emotion you describe. The intensity of your love made me cry again and again. Yet, I cannot recall crying over any written word - not in the short term past and perhaps not at all ever.(and I am a 61 year old Savta!) It is almost Shabbat here (another 3 hours approx) but it must be Shabbat with you and I pray I have not disturbed your peace of mind. If I have please forgive me. I have reread my email this morning and then decided to write this...Shabbat Shalom yaffa

No need to apologize. There was nothing tactless at all. I was deeply moved by your comment. Shabbat Shalom.

Robert:
I must admit I have been out of touch for a while, mostly because I have been busy at work and the computer at home is not available till at least 2:00AM (my husband "retired” went into a consulting business and is busier than before).

Had I been reading your blogs daily the way I did since you started it, I would have known that you and Karen were a few blocks from me in Yerushalaim. I would not have been able to attend Rabbi Singer's unveiling because we (my daughter and two year old grandson) came back on Thursday. I read what you said about him in your speech and it was amazingly well said, as per usual.

I know how you feel about people visiting Ariel's grave and talking about him. We, the parents who lost children, all feel a burning desire to keep their memory alive. My grandchildren, from the 11 month old to the 15 year old constantly hear Rochelly's name in the house. She had a collection of Disney characters that the babies play with, my 10 year old Talli, who has her name, davens from her machzorim that were given to her on her bat Mitzvah by my friends Valerie and Steve. What they wrote in it for Rochelly, never expecting this to happen, can rip your heart out.

I make a constant effort to say something about her at every Shabbos and Yom Tov meal. It's not easy, especially for my elderly parents, but I am doing the same thing they did all the years when I was growing up and heard about the holocaust and all the relatives that died. I was very uncomfortable, I would have much rather heard about how nice life was, but today I am glad that my parents and in-laws kept my graparents', aunt and uncles and cousins' memories alive.

I just visited Yad Vashem and I saw a huge picture of my father-in-law (who survived) in Auschwitz and my husband's older brother (who did not survive). We stood there in awe and could not speak for a long time. My in-laws lost three children, came back, found each-other and had one more child, my husband. My father-in-law died 27 years ago, and my mother-in-law, who is 99,K"H, is still quite with it, B"H. In our family, from the youngest to the oldest feel that we knew them.

Hermom:

Good to hear from you again. I'm sorry we missed you in Jerusalem, but perhaps next time we'll be able to get together.