I figured you were of Chassidic background...
Don't you guys do Shalosh Seudos in the dark?

Oy, I think it's time for another "minor" remodel for light fixtures that don't have the potential to Yossie you!

Stacey:

Here's Rule#1 in Casa Avrech: No remodeling. Ever again. No matter what. "The horror, the horror..."

I am not handy with tools. I have a variety of excuses, some of them mildly convincing. But I have made things. I have fixed things. Here is the key: when something is completely broken, so that anything you do bids fair to be an improvement, then have a go at it. If you break it further, so what? It was going to the dump anyway, and you might learn something.

I put on a screen porch this year. How did I do it? The old one was rotting -- it would soon bring in wood-eating insects of some sort. Hiring someone would cost $10,000. So I took some pieces off. Then some more. Then I braced up something that looked like it needed bracing. I bought some pieces of wood. It went on like this from May to September. (A professional would have taken a few days, perhaps.)

Sometimes just taking an electrical thing apart and putting it back together makes it work. I don't know why.

AVI:

Thanks so much for the good advice. I have a tendency to throw thing away once they quit working. I figure they don't want to work anymore and they have retired. Who am I to make them work so hard?

Yipes! Glad you got through this ordeal, and thanks to Karen for holding the ladder. (There was a "Yossie" on my mom's side of the family, too.) Jake's and my solution? We've been homeowners for two years, and don't own a ladder!

That's absolutely hilarious! Thanks for the warning!

Thank you for the new vocabulary word. We can use Yossie as a noun and a verb...how cool is that!

Rick caught me changing the lightbulbs in the front hall one day. We have a 2 story foyer and I didn't want to ding up the walls with a ladder. SO, I climbed over the railing onto the plant stand...hooked the chandelier with a bent up extended coat hanger and pulled it towards me. I proceeded to dust it and replace light bulbs when he wandered out and cried "What are you doing?". Now I wait 'til he's out of the house.

Adar:

Personally, I think ladders are a conspiracy cooked up by oh-so-clever anti-Semites.

Good move not having a ladder in your home, protect Jake from reaching too high.

Irina:

Fair warning, you betcha.

Lisa:

Sounds like you like to live dangerously. Maybe you need a tool belt too.

Robert, I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you've never considered cleaning gutters...let alone climbing a ladder to do it. I think everyone here likes you in one piece, so keep in mind that wasn't a suggestion on my part!

My parents have the same type of lighting in their house..my dad uses this suction cuplike contraption to change the bulbs and it seems to work...but seriously, this post made me feel a lot better about calling my father or father in law every time we need a lightbulb changed or a picture hung in our apartment!

Get T:

Clean the gutters? I am proud and foolheardy but hardly suicidal. And really, climbing some super-duper high ladder to clean leaves and dead rats from icky gutters is a one way ticket to Yossieville. I pass.

JS:

I'd give anything to be able to use some suction thing-a-ma-jig to change light bulbs. No, I need an army of NASA scientists.

As for hanging pictures, oddly enough, I actually have that covered. As long as no one expects them to end up straight.

Light bulb challenged, but deadly with a Smith-Corona.

Jack:

Do you mean Smith & Wesson? I have not used a Smith Corona in a looooong time.

That was hilarious.

As a kid I knew a few Yossies who behaved like they were, well, Yossied. I seriously thought it was because of their name. You see, there is this mystical figure that supposedly the Mahara”l M’prag created and he named him Yosseleh Golem. Little me thought that anyone named Yossie is a Golem.

Robert, really funny. And you should really be proud of yourself. I would not go near that complex fixture, let alone changing it.

You could always um, hide a wire in something big. When the electrician comes to check it out, show him a couple of light bulbs that need changing...

I know this high tech recessed lighting. It is not easy for anyone to change. Even my brother in law who is an engineer, had trouble w/ it.

He said to use some kind of special tool for it.

While he was having a go at it, I asked, in a fake professional voice, 'is it hard to do that?", he laughed it off, no it's nothing, and had the light out right there. Maybe it was the interaction w/ me that helped.

Robert -

Ladders are not a conspiracy cooked up by anyone. As is the case with so many other consumer goods, you get what you pay for.

A good ladder will not wobble. Werner makes a quality, well-constructed product here in the USA (Pennsylvania, to be exact.) I recommend the fiberglass ladders, be they step or extension. Please purchase one, if only to preserve your ability to write such, um, interesting threads on your efforts to manage life's little challenges.

Yeah, buy one already! I hear it comes with a free tool belt!

What, no potato?

Mission Man: A wobbly ladder is much more interesting than a non-wobbly ladder.

I use one to put up my sukkah. Without the constant fear of death or disability, it would be such a boring endeavor.

Chussid:

You're right, The Maharal of Prague named his Golem, Yossie! I totally forgot. You know it wasn't so funny when I was changing the bulb, only now in retrospect does it start to look like a Buster Keaton film.

Yael:

Clever. But the local electricians are on to my recessed lighting already. Just to step into my house they charge a gazillion dollars an hour. Hence, I change the bulbs myself.

Mission Man:

Okaaaay! Clearly a man who knows what he's talking about. Exactly what we need here. I'm on it. I've got my check book out for a Werner (German? Hmmmm.)

Anyway, Mission Man, while I have your ear, your thoughts on toolbelts, puh-leeese?! Which one do you recommend?

Hello Robert -

I must respectfully pass on your question regarding toolbelt recommendations, as I do not use them and am therefore unable to comment. Rather, my preference is to use a tool pouch fitment designed for use on my stepladder. It holds a great number of implements, and I find this product to be very useful. You may view the toolholder here: http://www.wernerladder.com/catalog/details.php?series_id=216

One more suggestion, if I may be so bold: When shopping for a quality product, and if you are able, look at what the pros use. This is an excellent measurement of what a "serious" homeowner should invest in. As with any item of quality, the admission price is high...and you will always be glad you paid it, believe me.

Again, if I may take up a bit of space here, let me offer a few categorical suggestions. With the expection of the Ford truck, I own everything in this list:

Light trucks: Chevrolet, Ford
Landscape equipment: Stihl
Lawn care: (anything with a Honda motor)
Ladders: Werner
Paint: Valspar American Traditions
Garage doors/openers: Clopay/Genie
Firearms: I'll never tell ;^)

Good luck.

-MM

Mission Man:

I don't know how long you've been reading Seraphic Secret, but we also have Seraphic University. Would you be interested in a Professorship of Tools?

I'm impressed as heck.

Firearms? Dude, I have that covered. You are talking to a gun toting Jew. I can file down the sears on my machines and have in my hands hair-triggers.

That much, I know:)

Just once I wanna see a handyman on the street asking where he can find a decent takeout kreplach.

Yes, I would humbly accept the Professorship of Tools Chair. I'm not sure what Seraphic University is designed to accomplish, but if your membership requirements are liberal (I'm Catholic, by the way), then I'd be glad to discuss handyman issues upon request.

Actually, I just logged off but wanted to return to your site to add one more recommendation:

Hand tools: Snap-On

Phew. Now I feel better.

-MM

Mission Man:

Seraphic University is designed to be a sane alternative to the modern University experience where our children are brainwashed by Marxists/Jihadist professors, and dorms and bathrooms are co-ed, and our children are taught to trample on all religious and patriotic values.

It's an idea whose time has come.

Catholic, great! We like our professors to be religious.

I knew you weren't Jewish, no offense, but you're way too handy with tools.

I have copied your list and I'm on my way to B&B Hardware. Now, I have a mission (pun not intended) and I can tell Karen that a real live professor told me that I have to get these tools -- or end up Yossie'd.

But you know, I still want a tool belt. They're just so... cool.

Welcome aboard Mission Man. You can expect lots of queries from our commenters regarding home improvement problems.

Good luck.

Thank you. I look forward to assisting folks any way I can.

-MM

Hey Mission Man:

This time of year, we Jews bake a delicious cookie-like goody called Hamantaschen. The problem is, they all must include a nice filling, (apricot is my fave, but I've seen prune, cherry, chocolate, poppyseed, etc.) Is there a power tool that helps inject gelled-filling into baked goods with no mess? Can this be like caulking?

Mission Man:

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, yeah... and is there some kind of pliers I can buy to help get my mom off the ceiling? She's been up there ever since I got engaged to a nice Jewish girl... 7 years ago.

JIASF

Who's being funny? Look, I need to get my mom down already. We could use a extra babysitter.

"Is there a power tool that helps inject gelled-filling into baked goods with no mess?" (Jake)

There is, actually: The Ronco Solid Flavor Injector. I'm too embarassed to reveal why I know the answer here, so let me direct you to the relevant site and leave it at that: http://www.ronco.com/rco_prodinfo.aspx?pid=ST0000134721&color=&active=desc

As for pliers, the Channel-Lock brand is an excellent choice. I can't in good conscience recommend using it to remove Mater from the ceiling, however.

-MM
As seen on Seraphic Secret!

MM:

This is great. And it's from RONCO! I should have known the guys who made the flammable mini-Christmas tree would be able to help me out. I guess I could get my mom off the ceiling by finally letting her know that I'm not in medical school.

How bout MP3 players, I just got one. How does it work? HELP!!!

"How bout MP3 players.." (Jobber)

If, and only if, your new device has a USB port and supports file drag-and-drop, then the following methodology should work:

-Plug the player into your PC. Load any drivers first if the player's manual instructs you to do so.
-Open one window that will represent the currently-empty storage space of your new player. Your mp3 player, now plugged in to your PC, should return a "Removable Drive" identifier when you go looking for it using the "My Computer" icon on your desktop.
-Open a second window that contains your mp3 files.
-Highlight the desired number of mp3 files in the second window (i.e., hold down the Control key as you left mouse click once on each desired file).
-At the top of the screen, click on Edit and choose "Copy".
-Position your cursor in the first window (i.e., the mp3 player window). Right mouse click/choose "Paste".
-You have now populated your mp3 player with mp3 files. Enjoy.

Naturally, you'll want to compare my instructions with the instructions that accompanied your new player. Good luck.

-MM

Well, as I'm in a time zone several hours removed from CA, it's time for me to call it a day. Thanks to Robert for offering me a unique identity in S.U., and thanks to the folks who trusted me to answer their questions.

At the risk of sounding immodest, I'll be perusing upcoming threads for questions that may be of interest to me in my designated role. I'll do my best to answer each one, or refer you elsewhere where and when appropriate.

If the topic of a given thread is particularly somber or otherwise quite serious in tone, I'll probably withhold discussion on tools, etc., until there's a thread that is more lighthearted. Or, you may contact me directly using the e-mail link below.

'Night, all.

-MM

FWIW, this Jew used to demonstrate how to use diamond blades to cut concrete.

There is nothing better than the taste of matzah in your mouth while you are wallsawing.

Anyone want to talk about grooving and grinding as it relates to airports.

Or better yet, let's discuss our favorite memories from the World of Concrete tradeshows. Loads of fun.

Gosh, MM, where were you 21 years ago, when I was trying to figure out how to work my new contraption called: "Husband".

I think we should all take a moment to welcome Mission Man to the Seraphic Secret community. This guy is a keeper! I'm making him chairman of his department. Heck, I'll offer him tenure.

THE ENLIGHTENMENT: A Poem

A bulb went out
Casa Avrech was dark
It was time for Robert
To make his mark

But not as a writer
And not as a dad
But as Karen's "handy hubby"
Who would make her so glad

She'd give him an A for effort
'Cause he'd try his all-time best
To prove that he was handy
And not a "Yossie" like the rest

Although he was somewhat frightened
Of the damage he could do
He knew that what was most important
Was to actually follow through

So he climbed up on the ladder
With Karen down below
He did not do this hastily
But took things rather slow

He accomplished what he'd hoped for
Even with dust and bugs raining down
And Robert, we all applaud you,
For helping to brighten your town!

Pearl:

What can I say, but this is a first: a poem celebrating my, ahem, handyman talents.

Much thanks.

Oh just buy an iPod.

Ditto.

Off-topic, but I wanted your attention. I just worked the Baal Shem Tov into my most recent blog -- I've been meaning to for a month now, but of course it seemed in the end to just flow naturally from the topic. I wanted you to be the first to know. http://assistantvillageidiot.blogspot.com/2006/03/blogoshere-league-of-extraordinary.html

AVI:

Wow, you reaaly did slip The Baal Shem Tov in that piece. I imagine most readers are going to get whiplash on that sentence. Well done, and thanks for letting us know.

BTW, I just finished writing an animated movie about The Baal Shem Tov. The hardest, most rewarding job I've ever had.

Really...

Long before I had even been to Romania, let alone had Romanian children, a friend had given me a copy of Elie Wiesel's "Souls on Fire," which he had been given for his Bar Mitzvah (by some deliciously eccentric uncle). I immediately gave half-a-dozen copies to others, none of whom were very interested.

When we finally got to go to Romania as tourists, rather than as medical missionaries and later, adoptive parents, it was very odd to speak with people in Oradea and Beius. There is still a synagogue in Oradea, just now barely recovering strength -- less than 70 people. The city of 200,000 used to be 25% Jewish as recently as 1941. Beius was divided in half during the war: Northwest of the Crisul Negru was Hungary, SE was Romania. Jews would be safe(r) if they could get across the river in 1944-- though even that changed.

An elderly man in Beius remembered that there had been a synagogue on a side street near the river, lost because it was on the wrong side. The Jews were evacuated to a remote village. I went there -- no one remembered. Their history of sheltering a thousand Jews was forgotten -- and they actually seemed annoyed that their grandparents had done such a stupid thing when they could have been killed.

Anyway, Sighet is not that far (neither is Satu Mare: Big Town, from whence comes the name Satmar). It is an eerie thing to know the history of a place better than the locals -- because of course their history had been supressed under Ceausescu. My boys were born near there.

Eastern European prejudices are deep, but they are not the same as they are in the West. They are not just intensified versions of what we know of bigotry here.

AVI:

I was once working on a filmed version of one of Elie Wiesel's books. It never got made. Anyway, Elie and I were talking about Eastern European Jew hatred and Elie just shook his head sadly and said that babies just sucked it straight from their mother's milk.