Hee hee. This reminds of me last year, when I had to change some flourescents and I got ambitious and decided to get the plastic coverings for them, better ones of course, not as rad. But the size they come in are too big. No problem, said the salesman, you can simply cut them.

How bout you cut them, I asked.

No can he do.

So I bought them, cut in half, but they never quite fit right, always slouching off and falling, every few weeks. Finally they broke in half and now there is no cover.

I like B&B, they are pretty helpful. But I still usually opt for Home Depot. The one in the marina is not too bad.

I have a deep appreciation for any man who can screw in a lightbulb. (Sadly, I've met some who can't)!

P.S. What did you think of the Oscars last night? I am upset that Brokeback didn't win Best Movie, but at least Ang Lee won for director and Brokeback also won for Best Adapted Screenplay.

(I apologize if this will come through twice; the publish button has been temperamental)

Scene One: Pearl checks her blogroll. Seraphic Secret is one she opts to read.

Scene Two: Pearl cracks a wide grin.

Scene Three: Pearl laughs out loud.

****

I can just picture you, modern-day gunslinger in the Old West...with a tool belt. And what do you carry in it? Oh, some pens, a small grammar book, a pocket dictionary, your copy editor's e-mail address for any emergencies that may arise, a bar of GoatBoy soap (to stay clean and fresh), a babka...and a hand-crafted, custom-made pocket knife to cut yourself a slice of babka...and maybe some challah if there's any lying around.

Perhaps, out of this scene, you could write the new "Crash" otherwise entitled: "Oy, a little bump".
It's a rainy night; a Jew ventures into the unknown territory of a hardware store, only to find himself lost in the aisles and tragically separated from the love of his life.
He can't breathe, he's dizzy, causing the Jew to bump into the Hispanic man. The Hispanic man is obviously superior to the Jew, in his craft of building and fixing. Off to the side, the African American woman slyly smiles, knowing all the while the poor Jew cannot in reality, even screw in a lightbulb.
Suddenly, the Jew, the Hispanic, and the African American all realize, that perhaps, they are there to save eachother.
In the end, The Jew, the Hispanic, and the African American are just trying to connect, to bond if you will.
They are last seen screwing in lightbulbs, and eating babka together.
(okay, maybe I should leave the screenwriting to you, Robert.)

The site ate my orignal comment, doh!

It is truly amazing how many varieties of lightbulbs there. I have lost one entire weekend of my life to searching for 35w PAR-20 halogens. Not PAR-35. Not 50w PAR-20. 35w, PAR-20. There were easily 10 different lighting and hardware stores that did not have it. By the time I found a place that had some, I bought 3 spares just so that experience would not have to happen again for 15 years.

*grumble*

My father practically lives at B&B! He knows everything about home repair, pretty unusual for a nice, Jewish attorney. My dad has two (count 'em, two) t-shirts to celebrate various B&B anniversaries.

By the way Robert, did you count how many dresses were cut on the bias at the Oscars last night?

I loved my halogen floor lamp. Too bad you can't buy them anymore, because of the alleged safety hazard of so hot a bulb.

I decided to Google B&B Hardware to see if it was comparable to anything we have in Toronto.

I found it listed under several headers, two of which were:

1. Things to Do in L.A.
2. Los Angeles Survival Guide: Hardware & Building Supplies

Okeydoke, so now I know that definitely the next time I come to Los Angeles, I'll have to put B&B on my "tourist sites to see" list.

Okay, and as long as I know where one of these stores is, I'll do just fine in L.A., according to that second header!

Jack:

I think Karen is afraid to take me to Home Depot. No telling what will happen there.

Stacey:

I actually did not watch the Oscars. I was busy reading about the Jews of Algeria. You see I still have more to report to Seraphic Secret readers about the Battle of Algiers. The position of the Jews was just tragic.

However, I have had several conversations with Hollywood fiends and there is basic agreement on several ideas.

1. Hollywood is liberal, but not insane and no way were they going to give "Paradise Now" an Oscar. The Foreign Press are just a bunch of anti-Semitic Euro Trash anyway, so what do you expect?

2. "Munich" was also completely ignored for pretty much the same reason. Even Hollywood recognizes that this film is repulsive. And even Hollywood recognizes that Hamas is a vile organization and now is not the time to beat up on Israel. Spielberg and Kushner are just too dumb and too radical to understand these basic truths.

3. They gave the Oscar to a nice harmless South African movie about--gasp! the evils of racism!

4. Enough with "Brokeback." Oy-vey, even Hollywood is gay fatigued, they gave Best Pic to "Crash," a film about--gasp! the evils of racism!

Stacey, what can I say about screwing in lightbulbs? It's just not that easy.

Pearl:

Glad we can make you smile and laugh. Nothing makes us happier.

Next time I'll buy the tool belt, put it on, and then you'll really laugh.

Ger T:

When we finally found the right bulb, we did buy a few extra. Can't go through this torture too often.

Robert - I was at B&B yesterday as well. Take a look at my post when you have a chance.

Ball & Chain:

Wait a minute, B& B T shirts?! I didn't see T shirts! I want a B& B T shirt.

Does your father have a tool belt too?

A Jewish attorney who lives at B&B: what can I say? I am in awe.

Quit playing with my emotions please. Laughter, tears, laughter...

I'm now sitting in the hospital cafeteria at a public computer, checking out updated comments on your post.

"Above our life we love a steadfast friend."

...as you all are. Thank you again.

"I have had several conversations with Hollywood fiends"...
Wow Robert, I know you have some, well, negative feelings about Hollywood, but calling them fiends? lol
By the way, you didn't care for my screenplay? Perhaps you would like "Oy, my aching broke-back"
(okay, I'll go away now).

Ralphie:

Yup, I live near Emil's too and I HATE that place with a passion.

1. They treat customers like trash.
2. When you ask questions they treat you like a moron for asking questions.
3. They never have what I'm looking for.
4. When they do have what I'm looking for, their prices are inflated.
5. What the heck kind of name is Emil's for Hardware store. It sounds like a lingerie boutique.

I'll never shop in Emil's ever again, even though they are five minutes from my house. I'd rather drive 15 minutes to B&B.

Randi:

It so happens that I like your screenplay better than Crash. Much better.

Robert....you and I are two peas in a pod. I dread going to Home Depot, Lowe's...etc...or any hardware store for that matter. Robert, you are a screenwriter.....I am a trader/handicapper. I am completely at a loss too.

My Dad, z"l, was a wonder with his hands.....he did everything around the house....including knowing our cars like he put them together himself. However, it just didn't translate to me......the first time we ever took the car to a mechanic was after my Dad passed away.

So Robert, maybe when I visit we can screw in some lightbulbs..... ;)

Kent:

Yes, I heard those lamps had a tendency to explode... sort of like napalm.

Lance:

Yup, two ex Yeshiva guys trying to figure out the recessed lighting in my house. There simply isn't enough time in the world...

Yesterday a burned out incandescent bulb broke off at the base when I was trying to remove it from a fixture hanging halfway down from a 20' ceiling. How do you remove the metal base of a bulb from a live socket while standing on a 10' ladder? Only after turning OFF the circuit breakers, and then with rubber-handled pliers.

Good luck with the halogen. No fingers on the glass, right? Hmm, what is it, exactly, about the toolbelt?

Pearl:

Next time you're in LA, we go to B& B, that way you can tell all the folks back in Canada: "Well, we went to the Museum of Tolerance and it was deeply moving. Universal Walk was so much fun. Disneyland, what can I say? But the crowning glory was B&B. What, you never heard of B&B? It's the major cultural center of Los Angeles."

Jeremiah:

G-d forbid you should touch the glass on the halogen bulbs. From what I'm told the oil on your fingers causes the bulbs to smoke and sizzle and ultimately explode like a Daisy Cutter bomb. Don't ask.

Tool belts? Well, anyone who wears one just looks, I don't know, capable and reliable. That's what I wanna be.

When I was a kid, people kept describing me as a sort of bookish, nerdy, head in the clouds, impractical individual, and I kind of believed them. On the other hand, my father is good with tools and things, and I did actually watch him, whilst believing that I was no good at this kind of stuff myself. It was only when I grew up and had to do some of these sorts of things for myself that I realised that I had been convinced of something that was false - I am actually quite good at building and fixing things. (I also taught myself how to build and fix computers and other electonic devices, which is a related skill that my father wouldn't go anywhere near).

I think my point is that people sometimes have skills they don't think they have. Karen should have bought you that toolbelt. You may have even discovered a use for it.

Jeremiah -

Pliers? Use half a raw carrot or potato.

Michael:

Well, I could slot my various fountain pens and Randall knives -- and pistols! Wow! Yeah, in all the neat little leather slings and pockets and thingees. That would be fun.

They told me that I'm no good with these sorts of things while I was growing up--and they were absolutely right.

Robert, despite your comic pretense, this is a serious entry! Capable and reliable....

How to relate this? Some years back, in need of an income supplement, I took on a two-year position as resident manager of a 24-unit apartment complex - the Oakland ghetto, no less. Turned out to be the best "make lemonade" decision of my life. Too many reasons to list here, but I did learn the basics: a) Repair before replace, b) Choose the right tools, c) Clean your tools and work area well. "Capable and reliable"? Sure. The stuff in the job description: lockouts, leaks, mice, clogged pipes, pilot lights, etc. And the stuff not in the job description (including tenants who became terminally ill). Was there pride in becoming "capable and reliable"? Sure. Yet after a year plus of doing this, reality hit: in a neighborhood bar, while telling a woman what I did, she looked over at me, at my hands, and said, "Those aren't workman's hands." It was time to move on, and find other ways to be "capable and reliable". I think you've got a rack of "toolbelts" already, Mr. Avrech.
Best.

Thanks, ralphie. Uh, that's why I flipped the circuit first. I'll remember the carrot and potato for next time, though.

Jeremiah:

Did you wear a tool belt as you went from apartment to apartment? I would. I'd wear a tool belt and a B&B t shirt. And I'd carry a potato and raw carrot in the tool belt.

Nope, no tool belt. Just an old-fashioned metal tool box (*that* didn't need repair, so why replace it?). Slung the hammer through my jeans's belt loop. Oh, never ever wear good clothing while performing maintenance: you're bound to muss it up sooner or later.

How can you go wrong with potatoes and carrots - they're the least expensive produce items! Can't wait to try 'em out.

Pearl:

You're welcome. Isn't that just a beautiful quote? My knife friends are the most literary people I know. They probably love Fyodor. You know, the axe.

Robert,
You ahrr showeenk deestinkt zeemptums uff a "Schneider Complex": http://www.museum.tv/archives/etv/O/htmlO/onedayata/onedayata.htm .

Once again, you had me in stitches...

Robert: I believe he won the t-shirts. You have to be there a LOT to enter and win raffles! He does have quite a stylish tool belt.

LOL! You guys crack me up! Robert, you are quite capable and reliable with or without a tool belt. I'm sure Karen did not purchase one for you as Father's Day is coming up. Now try to forget I mentioned that! I loved Pearl's description of the contents...much better fashion statement than a "man bag".
Tools don't do it for me...but kitchen gadgets..now there's stuff I can never have enough of!

I let Mrs. Balabusta handle all the hardware store interactions. It's much safer and also much more effective. I can wander up and down the aisles and never find a "helpful" salesperson. She just has to sigh and they come a-running.

BTW I had a close-encounter-of-the-lamp kind in August. It's got lots of faux-Hollywood style R-rated lingo that's been bleeped out for TV in it, but it does summarize my aptitude for home repair.

Jeremiah:

I never saw "One Day at a Time." I'm sort of aware of the characters, but not with real depth. Sorry. By the time that show was on and a hit, I was firmly a movie guy, no interest in sitcomes. Which is pretty much true up until today. I just don't get sitcoms.

Dovid:

Glad I can make you laugh, hopefully not while you're in Beis Midrash.

Ball & Chain:

Does your father have a leather tool belt? Those were definitely the coolest. Wearing one of those babies, you can conquer the world. Well, someone can.

Lisa:

I can cook an omellete, really well, but as I just wrote to Lance, who's like this gourmet cook, I can spend hours flipping through the pages of the Williams-Sonoma Catalog. I have no idea what all the thing-a-ma-jigs are used for, but gosh, I just love the way they look. Again, imagine what an efficient kitchen I'd run with some of those babies. I'd make some pretty mean omelettes you can bet your bottom dollar.

PsychoToddler:

Ahhh, a man after my own heart. I too often forget to turn off the electrical current. "Life is meant to be lived dangerously," I tell Karen and she looks at me and just says, "You mean you forgot to turn off the juice," and I sigh wearily cause she's got me dead to rights.

Robert, I'm eagerly anticipating your light bulb post. "Jews and Carburetors" is a catchy title for today's post; I'm opting for the next post to be titled "How Many Jews Does It Take To Screw In a Lightbulb?"
=
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=
=
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It's okay...I'll just sit here in the dark!

Pearl:

I've never seen a sentence in the entire history of the Enlish language where Jews and carburetors made an appearance together, I thought, you know, time to break new literary ground.

How many Jews indeed? Because this one does not do the job very well all by his lonesome.

Hey, you were in my 'hood. B&B is walking distance from my home. It's truly the best. Who woulda thunk? An Orthodox Jew in Mar Vista ('cepting Shwartzie, of course).

Busy Bee Hardware in Santa Monica is also terrific for finding hardware. Small, but special.

Schwartzie- now there is a guy I haven't seen in a while.

Back when I lived in the city I used to hit B&B on the way to Costco, that is after they built the new Costco.

What a nightmare that place is. It is always crowded, but I do love Costco.

When the next big earthquake hits I'd like to be near a shopping center that has both Costco and Home Depot.

I'll grab some steaks, wine, barbecue, a jacuzzi, generators for the big screen, stereo and a bunch of chips and throw one hell of a party.

EV:

Well you know, I had to get special permission to get into your neighborhood, but I used the magic password: "Toolbelt" and they gave me a two hour pass.

Shwartzie, he's very specialized. Never made it to his minyan.

Busy Bee, huh? Do they have nice tool belts?

Jack:

Can't walk into Costco wihtout hooking a carabiner from my waits to Karen's belt. The place is so vast, and the people, well, I end up staring at them and constructing all these elaborate scenarios about why they are wandering around in Costco with that glazed look at that very moment. It's a very specific, almost clinical look. I end up walking into walls and shelves at Costco. Never buy anything for there is simply too much to buy. Know what I mean?

When the big one hits––I want to be in New York.

Costco . . . I adore Costco. My finest father-daughter moments have taken place at Costco. We don't buy all that much there. We just like being there.

Hey, Costco has kosher hamantashen!

Costco! When #1 Son was around 3 years old he would have "Men's Night Out" with Rick. His favorite place to go was Costco to see "The Dinner Ladies" then to Borders for a book. Goatboy's favorite spot...Orzech's Feed Store.

Well, at least you didn't get stuck in the place by super-glueing yourself to the toilet. It happens to some guys: http://www.dvorak.org/blog/?p=3205

I also didn't watch the Oscars, I never do, since I don't see the movies in question.

Instead I saw a trememdous program on Link TV. A group of journalists had interviewed street kids in Peru 12 years ago, and then re-visited them now.
Awesome, real stuff. Little children sleeping against a wall, their parents have abandoned them for various reasons. They go and visit the parents where possible, attempt to make Shalom.

You should check this one out. Some of you may have hatred of this channel, but get over it, you will be moved and learn something.

Here is the link for that program. http://www.linktv.org

http://www.linktv.org/programming/programDescription.php4?code=growing

Robert,

The big problem with Costco is trying to get out of there without spending a $100 a pop. I love that place, I just do.

Trader Joes is a close second.

Top 10 Things for Sale at the Jewish Home Depot
by Jake Novak

10) Build-it your self home gefilte fish hatchery

9) "Yontoff-in-minute" inflatable Sukkah

8) Down Winter Yarmulke with built-in heater

7) "Korban" Brand Outdoor Gas Grills and blood sprinklers

6) Battery-powered tefillin wrapper

5) Heavy-Duty 15,000-watt Mezzuzah installer

4) "Is Everything Okay in There?" brand toilet with built-in timer

3) Water-proof teflon tallis bag

2) Hand-held cordless power Matzoh Ball fluffer

1) Dual rotating blade electronic bagel slicer

Jake,
I think the store would have to renamed: Haimesche Depot.
Clerks would have name tags: Izzy, Sam, Max, Goldie, Shayna.
They'd come up to shoppers and say, "Nu? I need help. Do you need help?"

BTW, I love #4 the best! I'm guilty of being a washroom watcher and worrier.

Pearl:

Thanks! I think my list still needs a little work. Do they have a joke improvement hardware store for comics?

Lisa:

Confession: I have never been to a feed store in my life. Unless you count all the Bar Mitzvas and Jewish weddings I've been to.

EV:

Karen just bought this huge Hamantashen crate at Costco. She said it was the only place in LA that had it.

Robert,
Am I correct in seeing that you dislike sitcoms? Is it just one or two in particular, or all?

Simon:

All, I just don't get them.

I love that word "shtup", I even think I can get to close to the correct definition of it, but its a great word anyway...shtup. LOL Robert I pictured the exact same toolbelt fixup for you that Pearl did, she beat me to the draw ;). Personally, I think you should get a toolbelt for when you are walking around Casa Avrech, checking things.

Pearl, I'm praying for your dad and for you. Hanging around hospitals is no fun, even without the stress of seeing your loved one ill.

Top 10 Sitcoms Robert Would Like
by Jake Novak

10) "Two and Half Babka"

9) "How I Met Karen" (Coming soon!)

8) "Everybody Hates Jimmy Carter"

7) "My Name is Emil"

6) "Night Bet Din"

5) "Someone Else Did My Home Improvement"

4) "Married... With Children... and Day School Tuitions"

3) "Seraphic Friends"

2) "Desperate Rebbetzins"

1) "Algeria's Funniest Home Videos"

I think my point is that people sometimes have skills they don't think they have.

Too true.

Two true stories:

1. When I was in college, I briefly dated a dramatic arts major who could sing like an angel, but confessed to having no science or math aptitude whatsoever. I did a little experiment in which I casually explained differential calculus, without ever saying the words differential calculus, then asked her if she understood. She repeated back what I had taught her in such a way that it was clear she had, in fact, understood. I then told her that what I had just taught her was differential calculus. To my amazement (at the time) she no longer understood what I had just said. My theory is that, faced with a choice between mentally blocking what I had just taught her, and reevaluating her self-image, she chose the easier course.

2. When I moved to my latest house, there were a number of little remodeling chores my wife wanted done ... including installing a partition wall with a door to convert a long, useless utility room into a very useful bedroom and hallway. I had never done such a thing in my life. A couple of friends got me started, and I soon discovered that it's not such a big deal. It's tremendously satisfying to complete such a project, too. It's all about confidence.

Hey Jake, how about 'Shule Politics', "Breakaway Minions"?
"Long term strategies in getting rid of the Rabbi"
"Coming to Shule in a white hat"

How does one start a 72nd comment, especially to such a hilarious post?

Well, for one thing, I must say, Robert, that you and some of your Seraphic commenters here have shattered one of my long-held stereotypes. I was truly convinced that the Y chromosone of every male on the planet contains a gene that compels him, once he's set foot in a hardware store, to go through the entire store, aisle by aisle, shelf by shelf, examining every item in the place, down to the last tiny screw. At least that is my husband's behavior and that of all my friends' husbands...(Yes, we do share "waiting forever outside the hardware store stories.) (And, yes, I'm talking about Jewish husbands.)

Jake, I love your lists. Keep 'em coming - I can always use a good laugh.

Okay, now it's my turn to provide the laugh. (You'll all admit it takes courage for me to ask my next question.) Could somebody tell me what LOL stands for? (You can laugh at me all you want, just please don't throw me out of the commenting community for such unforgivable ignorance!)

Sara...
LOL=Laugh out Loud.
ROTFLMAO= Roll on the floor laughing my a*% off.
JIASF= Jake is always so funny

Sara, anytime you see one of those, just look it up in google. There are a few of these sites that give you all the definetions.

Even JIASF is on there.

Kent:

Karen tried that on me. I didn't understand a word of what she was saying. And she was explaining long division.

Listen, I have this room in the back that can use some work, any chance you can drop by and boost your self-esteem?

Suziannr:

Shtup, Yiddish: insert, stick in, plunge, stab; often used as an off-color reference for you know what.

Jake:

You are just brilliantly funny. You give Bruce Vilanch a run for his money. I love your Home Depot top ten list!! Bravo!

Never been to a feed store!!??? I can't believe it!! Well, if you ever come to Connecticut I can get you to 3 or 4 in an hours time. Consider that an open invitation!

Lisa:

I'm on the next plane.