oooo, my heart just melted onto the floor. (Not even a babke can help me now).

Randi:

Glad to help the melt.

"...and I am delirious with joy."

Robert, may that feeling forever sustain you. (I think it's called punch-drunk.)

Let me ask a minhag (family custom)-related question: If she was at your aufruf, does that mean it wasn't the Shabbos before the wedding? Or did you not see each other for only 3 days, as opposed to the 7 days before the chuppah? TorontoPearl's husband's aufruf was 2 Shabboses before so that I and my family could be present at his shteibel. But then again, it wasn't his minhag for 7 days of "no-see". I recall we had a "dress rehearsal" on the Tuesday p.m., and the wedding was on the Sunday p.m.

Pearl:

It wasn't the Shabbos before the wedding, so Karen was present. It was eerie to be in that shul again.

OK, Robert, you are not helping here. As I smile out loud the whole way through another Karen post my crow's feet are getting deeper and deeper!
Honestly, this is such a beautiful story told through your young eyes it would make a wonderful movie.
(BTW...re your Shul visiting adventures...my Mom has always insisted that every time we visited a new church we could make 3 wishes. I'm not exactly sure that rule appears in the Cathecism of the Catrholic Church but I'm always sure to make my 3 wishes and not take any chances!)
Thanks again for another great story...your friends are a hoot!

Lisa:

Crow's feet, hmmm, as far as I'm concerned they add character.

My old friends are still my friends. And Mitchell's eldest son is Offspring #3's good friend.

I'm beginning to think that "Robert J. Avrech" is not your name at all - it's just one of those bland-but-quirky pseudonyms Hollywood writers slap onto "pay the bills" kind of scripts.

"RJA" must stand for "Romantic Jewish Arson": 'cause that's what you set off in me whenever I read about you and Karen.

This post reminds me of an idea I've always wanted to flesh out: A Zagat Guide for Synagogues. We'd send reviewers out to every major synagogue in all the major cities of the world and have them rate these houses of worship from 1-30 based on the following categories:

1) Rabbi (sermon, voice clarity, overall appearance, shushing effectiveness)

2) Cantor (overall voice, sing-a-longness, drag-it-out so everyone loses their Shabbat nap factor, etc.)

3) Decor (stained glass windows, carpet, comfort of the seats)

4) Eye Candy (overall appearance of congregants, percentage of available men and women)

5) Kiddush (hot or cold, hard liquor, wine, soft drinks, cookies, etc.)

In all seriousness, I think this kind of an annual review would do well in the major Jewish communities. Who wants to be my first field reviewer?

Nice one. I wait for these installments and you don't disappoint.

Okay, I just got my first synagogue review from a reporter in Brooklyn:

CONGREGATION GEE SCHLUFEN

1) Rabbi (N/A)

2) Cantor (N/A)

3) Decor (10/30 "feh")

4) Eye Candy (5/30... "slim pickens")

5) Kiddush (30/30 "Three kinds of kugel, single-malt scotch, homemade cookies... I'm having a rugelach attack and the cure is this synagogue!")

Jake, your field study reminds me of a question that was asked of me nearly 20 years ago, ie. which shul was I planning on davening at for a particular Shabbos, and I was given a choice of two.

When I asked what the difference was between the two congregations, I was told, "You go to _______ to daven; you go to __________ to pray!"

Robert,

I just realized that the real reason you carry a gun is so that the rest of us poor shlubs don't kill you.

Every time the women we read something like this it creates untold havoc and chaos. In the name of Shalom Bayis we just might have to ask you to stop, or at least help fund the 1,280,098 roses I have purchased because of posts like this.

;)

Well done. It is refreshing to read about such deep and abiding love in people.

Pearl:

Yes, but where did you go to EAT?

Jake, as always, you're correct. Food does make the difference.

There is a shul in Toronto that does not understand the concept of kiddush...every Shabbat is like a mini-lunch. You want to invite someone for Shabbat lunch, you don't give them your address, you give them the shul address. (I'll give it to you when you next visit T.O.)

Membership fees help feed your family every Saturday for the year!

Jeremiah:

No, I'm really me. I think...

Neil:

I'm glad the posts give you joy. I love writing them.

Jack:

Just to clear things up: I don't carry a gun. That would be illegal here in LA.

Boy, that's a lot of roses. I am sorry.

Robert,

What have I missed???

Now I’ll have to go back and read every installment. Do they have a shabbes computer yet? ;o)

Jake:

You are not going to believe this but David, Mitchell and I had the exact same idea. But our categories were something like:

1. Smelly: Congregation and building.
2. Bathrooms: Do the toilets flush.
3. Sermon: How boring.
4. Girls: How hideous.
5. Kiddush: Herring? Totally gross shul. Cholent? Fabulous.

Keep in mind, we were 13 years old.

(an aside)
I just have to comment on the names...David, Mitchell, Robert, and Karen...definite names of the 1950's. No Max, Hunter, Heather, Crystal, or Brittany back then.

Also A Chussid:

To be precise, you have missed 33 chapters of this Yeshivish romance in which I recount my love for Karen, my Kallah. It is totally kosher, we are absolutely shomer negiyah. Though I have to warn you, I am somewhat obsessed with the love of my life from a very, very tender young age. And when I should have been learning Torah in Beis Midrash, I was, ahem, dreaming of Karen.

I'm a baaaaaaad boy.

But it makes for a fun read.

Shabbos computer? Yes, there is. It's called: printing-out-a-hard-copy-and-reading-it-on-Shabbos.

Have a lovely and meaningful Shabbos.

I'm telling you, this is a winner of an idea. First, it will be VERY controversial... which means we'll get all the publicity for free from the Jewish papers and the NY Times, which will do any story about Jewish in-fighting. But then, just like the US News college rating issue, shuls from all over the world will make changes to help boost their ratings. Orthodox Rabbis will actually take elocution lessons. Conservative Rabbis will demand cordless microphones, and Reform Rabbis will axe the organists in favor of musicians who can really jam.

Randi:

Sharp eye you have. But of course I know that from this LA Gun Club. Yes, totally normal names. Parents in those days did not give their children names normally given to pets or expensive jewelry. The culture of excess had blessedly not taken root.

Jake:

I fear you are right.

I'm in.

"The Seraphic Secret Guide to Every Synagogue in America: Who's on Top and Who's on Bottom."

We need Seraphic Correspondents to penetrate the shuls... in disguise.

Wow! I LOVE this tale!

What a wonderful story!

BUT your teachers sound like monsters. Who allowed them to teach anyway?

And I thought Jewish teachers don't hit kids, that it was only true for Catholic schools!

Suziannr:

And I love that you love our story. Always good to hear from you.

Irina:

Yeshiva Flatbush was an odd school. We did learn to speak fluent Hebrew and our basic Jewish and secular education was... solid. This in spite of the fact that our teachers pretty much hated children, hated their profession, hated themselves.

Yes, many of the teachers were, how to say this diplomatically? not too normal. They were abusive: physically and mentally.

Who hired them?

Joel Braverman.

The founder of the school; a man who mugged me; literally took me into the hallway and just beat me to a pulp.

Of all the monsters in Yeshiva of Flatbush, and there were many, he was Elvis -- The King.

Robert that makes me so angry, that a man was able to abuse those over whom he had so much control. Can you tell us about that? What did your parents do or say? Other parents? How many of the other children were mistreated? Don't detour from yours and Karen's story but I would like to know more about your school years in another series, please.

I second Suz; I've read about that incident with Joel Braverman in one of the parts, but it feels like there's a huge chunk of the story missing. I can't believe teachers would just hit kids on the hands for nothing at all... I'd definitely like to hear more about what was going on!

Now here I am again, Motzei Shabbat, and I'm supposed to be preparing for my course and field internship tomorrow. Instead, I'm giggling and swooning like I do every time I read a "How I Married Karen" post. If tomorrow's client leaves our session in a fog of confusion rather than with incredible new insights, you'll know who's to blame!

I like this so much better than your war posts... But maybe that's because I was away for a while and they were just too much to catch up on all at once... It's so nice to read about how great you think Karen is. You both are just so...real.

I will not be able to wipe the smile from my face the rest of the weekend. This was beautiful.

I love these posts. But one little thing is driving me positively crazy.
Did Karen ever know of Robert's childhood love?
Any clue at all?

It is often said that good things come to those who wait. But, Robert, in your case, we'll just add a few of those, ie. "to those who wait...and wait...and wait...and wait."

We should all be so lucky to realize our dreams in life. I know I can speak for all your readers, your family and your friends when I say, "We're so glad you got your 'dream girl.'"

Suz:

I never told my parents. I figured, you know, that I was to blame. I'll have to think about whether I want to write about my early days in Yeshiva Flatbush. The problem is that inevitably two things happen:

1. It makes me into a victim, and I don't feel like one.
2. It makes Yeshiva Flatbush into some kind of Dickensian hell hole and it wasn't––well, not quite.

I'll get back to you on this one. let me talk to Karen, Okay?

Irina:

Well, in all fairness to the teachers they didn't hit me for nothing. They hit me because I was stupid––did not know the answers to math problems usually. Or because I misbehaved by passing a note to Mitchell, or whispered to him. Or my handwriting was sloppy. Or my tie was on crooked. Now that I think about it, there were lots of opportunities for our teachers to whack us.

I wasn't a particularly poorly behaved kid, mind you, but definitely with my head in the clouds.

Every report card. without fail, said the same thing: "Could do better." "Tends to daydream."

Which is the definition of a writer.

Sara:

Yup, I agree, it's all my fault. Going all the way back to 4th grade.

Sarah:

You are not the first woman to tell me that she prefers my "Karen" posts over my "War" posts.

Yael:

If you go back and read all 33 chapters you will discover that not only did Karen not have a clue as to my feelings, she did not know that I was on the same planet.

Pearl:

The amazing thing about the reality is that it bears an uncanny resemblance to the dream.

Testing

Is that a typo at the end - could you have meant "thirteen years" instead of "thirty"? That would have you marrying Karen at 43, if my math's right.(There is no guarantee of that, mind.)
Not trying to be picky - we just don't want anything to mar the perfection of the "Karen" posts, which we all love so much.

Re Yeshivah Of Flatbush:

As Robert has stated many times, the school is a much different place than it was in the 1960's. And as I have stated many times, there is no discernable reason for him to have made this stuff up. Unlike most irrational detractors, Robert is still a religious and active Jew. The truth hurts sometimes, and since I have heard many other similar stories about the school at that time, it's an accepted truth for me. Anyone has the right to reject this truth is they want to, but it really doesn't matter anymore since it was more than 40 years ago.

Taller:

I am not making "allegations against YOF." I am stating simple facts about three teachers that are very easily verified by any student who was in my grade at the time.

As for being "dopey."

Gee willikers, that hurts.

However: "Seraphic Secret" is a forum for adult conversation.

We do not indulge in ad-hominem attacks. If you disagree with someone, you are free to state your case. We welcome dialogue. Personal attacks usually indicates a poverty of ideas.

Sal:

Typo, yup. Karen and I were married when we were 26-years old. You can do the math. Thank you.

As I told you when we met in LA, I sometimes find this series a little hard to take, as a single person. It's too torturous for me to think about all those years when your love was unilateral. You're lucky that your devotion was eventually returned, and the single among us have not yet experienced that...

And to boot, I have huge comment envy.

And still, I managed to put all of that aside, and contribute to your overall comment count. Jeez.

Esther: Puh-leez, who doesn't have comment envy of Robert? I need to remember to visit your blog and contribute to your comments (I've visited before). You are hysterical...(and you like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, right?)

Dear Robert,
I love your stories of obsessing about Karen when you were a kid - you are so vivd in your description that we can almost hear your voice changing :) It is just so wild/surreal that you married the girl that you loved from afar in school. It would make a great movie or book :)

It still boggles my mind about the wretched teachers you had - I did have my share of monsters at my day school but absolutely nothing compared to yours....they are an absolute Chillul Hashem and did not belong working with any living organisms. I am glad that you are writing this blog which is proof that you did prevail, and with flying colors...in so many ways!

By the way, I was just on Aish this morning and coincidentally found a little clip about Jews changing light bulbs....a few days too late after your posting about it...but thought I'd share... http://www.aish.com/a/purim5765.asp

Have a good Purim...and if you are fasting, have a most easy fast.

all the best,

Rachel

Ah! It's purim, that explains everything.

Esther:

Try this: think about all the years of torture I lived through when I just assumed that Karen would marry somebody else and I would end up alone and unloved.

That really was my reality for far too many years than I care to contemplate.

As for comment envy. Sheesh, a whole new dark and truly weird area for psychologists to explore.

Always good to hear from you, Esther.

Abuse in the yeshivas continued well in the late 90's (and maybe still today). When I was in a yeshiva in Brooklyn, there were students being banged up against the wall when they were age 6-13 for no good reason. Granted they weren't saints, but still there was no reason to push, hit, slap, or abuse these children. In my school, it got so bad that one student was pushed down the stairs by one rabbi. The student fractured his leg and got banged up. The father of student comes to "visit" this rabbi and it was the funniest sight I've ever seen - This rabbi runs into an ongoing classroom hiding under coats until the principal could calm the father down. They believe they have authority or some power to control students/kids to have them under their control.
One thing to point out; it was the rabbi, not the school that had the mindset to abuse.

Randi:

All you have to do to boost your comments is to join the NRA and blog about going shooting with yours truly, right? That particular blog garnered you your highest comment count ever. Not complicated. Guns=comments. Hello?

Rachel:

Glad you like "How I Married Karen." You know, so many people have written asking/saying/demanding that it should be a movie/and or book, well Karen and I have decided to publish "How I Married Karen" as a book with lots of photos from the good ol's days.

As for my wretched teachers, well I want to point out that there were also some wonderful teachers at Yeshiva Flatbush and I will write about them too.

Fasting: I HATE fasting. Really, really, really hate fasting. Not because I love food so much, because I don't. But becasue I pretty much always get a migraine when I fast.

Oh, that "How Many Jews Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?" on Aish is HYSTERICAL! All Seraphic Secret readers should watch it. I was in stitches. Thanks so much for sending it.

Simon:

These teachers you speak of sound guilty of assault.

Robert,
It's also quite ironic that those mean teachers thought you were dumb; your posts (especially about war, which gets my head spinning) are proof that you are incredibly bright...most likely much more smart than those rotten teachers (that's probably why they got mad at you, with their limited emotional intelligence).

I also hate to fast - I can sympathize with getting headaches - I am trying to figure out how to prevent them...I am waiting for sage advice from my brilliant nutritionist. In the meantime I hope you don't get a migraine!!

take care,

Rachel :)

uh, Robert, HELLLL-OOOO, I think "Robert and babkas"=Comments.

What fascinating, entertaining, and heart-pinching yeshiva tales.

Maybe there's some Hebraic revisioning of Francois Truffaut's "400 Blows" in all this (http://www4.eou.edu/~wellsm/the400blows.html).

I wonder what Wendy Shalit (blogrolled here under Modesty Zone) would have to say about it, however
(http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F01E0DA1038F933A05752C0A9639C8B63).

Just thinkin' out loud....

Rachel:

I was, at best, an indifferent student. And as I've mentioned a few times already I am math disabled.

As for advice from your nutritionist about fasting, here's the best advice possible: don't fast, eat.

Hi Robert. Freilichen Purim.
I believe the teachers at Yeshiva of Flatbush today thankfully bear no resemblance to the ones you were unfortunate enough to deal with (I actually know a couple of them).
I love your romantic story. sigh.
Sort of like the jewish version of The Wonder Years. Are any of the other chapters available online for those of us too curious to wait?
re fasting - yeah, it's the pits. I always think about the holocaust survivors and am glad I only have to do it for a day.
Looking forward to the next post.
MH

Robert:
Re: the nutritionist. It's funny, I told my husband I wanted to consult my nutritionist and immediately he said the same as you. What am I paying her for? :)

It reminds me of the joke-
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.

Have a most wonderful Purim day :)

take care,
Rachel

Mata Hari:

I'm glad to hear that the current crop pf Flatbush teachers are way different. Times have changed. Thank G-d.

All the chapters of "How I Married Karen" are available just go to the sidebar and go down the "Categories" listings and you'll find HIMK and you will be able to sigh your way through all 34 chapters.

Enjoy!

Rachel:

What can I say, your husband's a smart guy. Happy Purim.

Dear Anonymous:

The abuse I'm writng about happened in YOF grade school back in the early 60's! Those days are long gone. Thank goodness.