"I'm here to tell you that that is simply not true. Every single day G-d sends us tragedies that are simply intolerable."
Robert: thank you for this most precious and beautiful statement. I have always hated that statement (G-d never sends us more than we can bear) I believe it is a statement to try and explain away why some people are dealt the intolerable...but it's simply not true. What that statement does is throw guilt onto those who are suffering with intolerable, unthinkable pain, really nothing more.
With that one statement to your friend, you have lifted a great burden from his already existing pain and suffering. Now that's a mitzvah.

Oh, Robert, you've done it again. I've not been a parent, but sure have been a troubled and troubling son. Some things should be avoided, if possible, at all costs. And others just have to be endured. (In my case, much of what I've had to endure has been of my own doing.)

Maybe that's what living an upright life is for? Not at all to guarantee "happiness" (that double-edged American pursuit) but to be just a little better suited for the "intolerable".

I have almost no idea what your acquaintance's son is going through but (at the risk of putting my keyboard in my mouth) making the many transitions from boyhood to manhood means shedding lots of innocence. And the awful truth (from the son's point of view) is that we never really know how innocent we've been until we've lost that innocence. Fathers (and mothers and siblings) can only do so much. It's nobody's fault.

Sorry for leaving G-d out of this. (I left Him out of a lot in my life.)

Randi:

Thanks for the kind words.

I have no idea who first said that dumb sentence, but I do agree that it's pretty destructive and every time I hear it I do my best to demolish it. It's just not true, and anyone can see it by looking at the world around him. Let's face it, there are many people in this world who take refuge in fuzzy cliches.

"Somewhere in America, Frank's son is sitting in a hotel room, on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, trying to keep it from exploding."

What a powerful statement and image, Robert.
"Frank" and many fathers and mothers have done -- and are doing -- the very same thing! Head wants to explode, while the heart wants to jump out of the chest. The parent has to keep himself or herself in check.

Jeremiah:

I have no idea what my friend's son is going through either. We all grow up in different ways with varying degrees of pain. There is just so much that a well-meaning parent can do and then it's up to the child to wobble along on his own.

As for living an upright life, well, I'll let you know once I live it.

Sorry, but I'm not sure why that statement is so destructive. If G-d is sending us things more than we can bear, it gives us 'permission' not to do anything about it. But if - on the other hand - we believe that G-d doesn't send us things we can't handle, then it can give us impetus to try and overcome them. It can make us much stronger. Looking forward to your response.

Pearl:

What can one say? Yes, it's hard being a parent.

It's pretty arrogant to take the statement about G-d not giving us more than we can bear and contending that it is untrue. It is likely grounded in Rabbinic law or midrash as a form of emunah. That type of thinking, where a person decides to disregard a tenet or maxim or any sort of established basic point in Judaism is completely subjective, similar to a homosexual defying halacha because he thinks it does not apply. I sympathize with yours and Frank's respective ordeals but I cannot believe you are condoning what is tantamount to an arbitrary attack on established concepts of yiras shama'im out of emotional despair. Maybe take a step back and look at the statement and idea from an unbiased perspective and reconsider.

Chaya:

Acknowledging that G-d sends unbearable tragedies simply allows us to be sad without feeling the unnecessary burden of misplaced guilt.

Staurt:

That statement is not grounded in Torah or Talmud. It comes from fuzzy New Age thinking. Last time I was in Beis Midrash, this thought is not recognized on the same level of Beit Hillel or Beit Shammai.

I do think that the source of that statement is in the Talmud, that G-d doesn't demand of us what we can't handle, and there is the Talmudic quote "according to the camel is the load."

I don't think that statement implies that we may not be sad, or heartbroken, but that in the midst of pain, one can find the strength to go on with life. As someone who was suddenly widowed 8 years ago, and left to raise 9 children as a single mother. that statement gives me and my children belief in ourselves and helps us not to get too swamped by self-pity. I've heard it said that just as we cannot understand how G-d could put us through such pain, it is just as incomprehensibe how He gives us the strength to endure it. But Judaism also teaches us not to be satisfied with this tradeoff, but to do all we can through prayer and good deeds so that we can merit the fulfiillment of the prophecy of Isaiah "and death will be eternally swallowed. and G-d will wipe tears from every face", speedily in our days, Amen. In your sensitive blog, I can hear your plea that the world finally live up to its potential!!

Shira:

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I will respectfully disagree that your quote about the camel's load--and I don't even know the context from the Talmud--is the source for my quote. That is a far stretch.

But let's not play with words.

I have no argument with anything you say. Of course we go on, of couse we do the best we can. Of course Judaism teaches us all this.

But of course G-d sends us unenduarable tragedies all the time. To deny this is simply to deny reality. My friend needed "permission" to feel what he was feeling.

Doesn't anyone understand this simple point?

After Ariel died, a great Rebbe asked me how I was doing.

"It's hard," I said.
"It's supposed to be," he answered, gently.

The best thing that anyone ever said to me.

We all have our ways of grieving over life's vicissitudes.

We should all try and be generous to others in their moments of need, and be sensitive to the fact that not everyone has the benefit of a Jewish education nor does everyone have the same level of emunah, belief.

I don't see how anyone can look at Jewish history and believe that anyone is not dealt more than they can handle.

If we want to examine the Talmud on this issue, perhaps we should remember the story of the great sage Elisha Ben Abuye, or "Acher" as he was known. He sees the defiled holy of holies after the Roman destruction of the Temple and goes "mad"... or at least begins laughing and loses faith in Judaism. I would hardly say that the Rabbis would write this off as an example of someone who should have "stepped up" to the challenge.

I agree with Robert, this statement is beyond the pale and I believe outside the spirit of Jewish teaching. NOW, if you want to bring halacha, Jewish law, into it, then OF COURSE we as Jews are not allowed to give up. That's the hard part I believe the Rabbi was referring to when he spoke to Robert. But we are also not forbidden to grieve, be in anguish, and even hold a grudge when it's appropriate. The Talmud never implores us to be "Stepford Jews," and even seems to understand Jews who lose faith as long as they remain in the community and follow the laws. In short, we are allowed to be mad at God.

Here, here, Jake. I agree with you and Robert. What of those who wound up in the concentration camps? Are we to conclude that they somehow could 'bear' the hell they lived through (we won't even go into those who died)?

The statement is a defense against feeling any guilt or discomfort or sadness when confronted with the pain of others.

Tamara:

Thanks so much for your most reasonable take on the whole thing. Always good to hear from you.

"My friend needed "permission" to feel what he was feeling.
Doesn't anyone understand this simple point?"

Robert, please read my comment again...I completely understand.

I realize I do not come from a religious point of view, like many of your readers. I come from the point of view of someone who has dealt with unbearable grief. You cannot tell me that you, as a parent suffering the death of your child, or a small child who suffers the death of a parent...is dealt this because they can handle it.
Life happens. Tragedy happens. People grieve and deal with these tragedies in all kinds of ways. I just can't believe that G-d hand selects who will get what. And, who's to judge how one person deals with their grief? None of us.

I have never much cared for that trite cliche either because it often merely serves to make the sufferer feel even worse -- and guilty that they are having such a hard time.

Along these lines, I also get tired of hearing that a "positive attitude" makes all the difference. I have lost loved ones to horrible diseases who have had incredibly positive attitudes.

I am sorry for your friend's suffering and his son's distress. The worries a parent has for a child are unspeakably difficult.

Randi:

Sorry, I was not referring to your wise comment. Not at all.

Jaguars, valet parking, lunch tabs, and sincere, engaged, virtual table-talk aside, I sure hope Frank's son is reading this, or will read this.

Stacey:

You've nailed it. That tired cliche makes the sufferer feel worse and often just guilty.

Thanks so much for your level-headed vierw.

thanks Robert, babke on the way.
(by the way, if you think this babke thing is getting old, you're right...but it's just so comforting, don't you think?)

I can not abide by any faith that doesn't take suffering seriously. All religions have their branches that minimize evil by sugar-coating it as either (1) necessarily for the greater good, implying that our grief is a sign of ingratitude or (2) something that should be accepted as something we should be able to handle.

Good for you, Robert. “Frank” is fortunate to pick his lunch buddies so well. Since you're not anonymous, I sincerely hope that Frank reads this. (You may wish to point him here.)

Allow me to address him directly. I hope you don’t think that’s rude or forward.

“Frank”: Your misery doesn’t need any justification. What could be worse than worrying about one’s child? Any of us would much rather suffer horrors ourselves if only that would guarantee our child’s safety. I sincerely wish you both well. I hope your son gets the assistance he needs.

Robert, once again your words (and those of many of your commentors, as well) have invoked a whirlwind of emotion.

Living through one's own trials and tribulations can be excrutiating. Trying to comfort someone during their time of crisis can also be quite painful and frustrating. I can honestly see how both perspectives could potentially soothe -- or ruffle -- I suppose this is one of the many reasons that we are encouraged to have dan l'chaf zchut and to try think the best of people's intentions. Hopefully the majority of people say what they say in an attempt to soothe and not, chas v'shalom, to worsen pain.

I hope that your friend and his son find peace quickly.

Thank you for, as usual, using your gift of language to remind us all that what seems natural to one may be counter-intuitive to another -- examples such as this teach us all to be kinder to one another.

Dear Robert,

Whether God sends us tragedies we either can or cannot endure is, I believe, ultimately unknowable as is a whole plethora of other unanswerable questions: "why your son? why mine? what about the 6,000,000 kedoshim of whom 1,500,000 were children?" All genuinely heart-felt questions, I'm sure, but all beyond our reach of inquisitive grasp for it is impossible to fathom His ways! What is imperative is that we not lose faith for it does and can comfort us ... in those moments when our aloneness, our yearnings for our loved ones, becomes especially acute. Though it invariably happens that we suffer each day the pain of our losses (just this evening as I was pulling ino my parking spot, I thought: 'Gee it'll be six years soon.' followed by a few tears, got out of my car ... into my apartment.) Just part of my "every day"; at the very least, I know where Ben is whereas Frank seems not to know where his son is which, I think, may even be worse ... the uncertainty of where, what if????

So ... Frank, my thoughts are with you. May you find your son speedily and may he find himself!

I remain ...

Very Sincerely yours,

Alan D. Busch

Randi:

Never get tired of babake, a metaphor for friendship.

Doctor Bean:

Indeed Judaism takes suffering so seriously that the entire Book of Job is devoted to its mysteries and comes to the conclusion that we there is no answer to why HaShem afflicts us as he does.

I find it amazing that some Orthodox Jews will rush to defend a California New Age cliche that has absolutely no basis in Torah, Talmud or Midrash. A cliche that plays really well in a Tony Robbins rally.

Zahava:

When giving comfort to someone, I always try and put myself in their shoes. It was clear to me that Frank did not need to hear that G-d was sending what he could bear for he was feeling an unbearable weight. Being a parent can be excruciating.

Alan:

What can I add to your eloquent words? Nothing but silence. Thanks you. May Ben's memory be a blessing.

I hope you will not mind if I make an observation out of my own religious tradition: The Book of Mormon contains a commandment to "mourn with those that mourn." There is nothing there about telling those that mourn to cheer up and count their blessings. Yet that is too often the response of some in the Mormon community (and many other religious communities.)

Agreeing that a burden is crushing, as you did with your friend, strikes me as "mourning with those that mourn."

The book of Job is part of both our religious traditions. It is worth remembering that Job's "friends" were chastised by G-d for trying to sugar-coat the evils Job suffered. "What? shall we receive good at the hand of G-d, and shall we not receive evil?"

My younger son appears to be hyperlexic, and he is likely to have a hard life no matter what I do as a parent. As you say, there is no how-to manual.

Kent:

Good to hear from you. And I'm always interested in hearing how other religious traditions handle grief. It sounds like the Mormon traditions are quite level-headed and sane as is normative Judaism.

I wish you and your son the best life has to offer.

You can add me to the list of people who dislike that statement. To me it comes across as a slap in the face. "You shouldn't be upset, G-d wouldn't let this happen if you couldn't handle it." Feh!

I don't claim to know the pain of losing a child and G-d willing I never will, but I have buried more than one friend. I have watched more than one friend die. I often write/think about my dear friend 'D' who passed away almost 8 years ago.

His friends buried him. We who were pallbearers and others laid the dirt upon his coffin because we wanted to do what we could to show his family the deep love and respect that we had for them. There wasn't much that we could do to ease their grief, but we hoped that would help.

I would not have dared to utter such a trite line.

When I had to tell my grandfather that my uncle had died it would never have occurred to me to try and dismiss his pain with such nonsense.

I make no apologies for this, that line makes me ill.

This is just my opinion, but I think that we acknowledge grief. I think that it is perfectly fine to say that there are tragedies for which there are no explanations. That doesn't mean that we are suggesting that the mourner or whomever give up. It is not an either/or situation.

Life does go on. It is not nice and it is not pleasant, but life goes on regardless of our feelings. The question and challenge is to find the thing that helps you get up and cope with your pain. Sometimes the challenge is finding something to smile about.

I'd write more but this isn't my place. Robert, you were right.

Jack:

This is your place and thanks so much for being so eloquent.

"Frank, I'm here to tell you that that is simply not true. Every single day G-d sends us tragedies that are simply intolerable."

I think there might be some confusion between "tests" & "tragedies".

We Jews have a traditon that G-d will not put us in a position where he tests us with a test that we cannot pass.
Abraham was tested 10 times each test was harder than the next and he "passed" each one.
G-d would not give us a test that he knows we cannot pass. (This does not hold true if the person asked to be tested i.e. King David)

Tragedies can test us, but we do sometimes experiance "tragedies that are simply intolerable".

Ari:

How do we know what's at test and what's a tragedy?

Robert:

Sometimes there is a fine line between the two.

I am not saying that some tragedies are not tests.

Here is my point: this business about G-d not sending us "things" we cannot handle applies to tests. I am in complete agreement with you and the others with regards to tragedies.

Most of us go through our entire lives with out being [B]tested[/B] by G-d. Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov were tested. Great Tzadikim are tested from time to time, but the day to day hardships we might experience are not the same as the [B]tests[/B] that G-d gave to our Avos.

I guess the word "test" is not the best word to describe the process of G-d "challenging" a Tzadik.

but the day to day hardships we might experiance are not the same as the [B]tests[/B] that G-d gave to our Avos.

Sorry Ari,

I can't buy that argument. A former neighbor of mine watched the Nazis machine gun his wife and two daughters.

David Hatuel lost his wife and daughters to terrorists.

Are we to say that their loss is less. I think that we risk much when we try to compare these things. I am not sure what the advantage in doing so is.

Jack:
I agree with you and the others who have posted to say we do experience tragedies that are intolerable.

I do not think that the loss your neighbor experienced is more/less than the challenges G-d gave our Avos. They are different.

I would not be arrogant enough to claim that I know how G-d works, and I agree with what you said, "I am not sure what the advantage in doing so is" either.
Sometimes we are better off not knowing.

Sometimes we are better off not knowing.

Why?

Why?

I can only speak for my self.

If I knew what G-d thought or what his exact intentions were, I could potentialy find my self in situations where I disagreed with G-d.
I would rather not know then dissagree with G-d.

I suppose that I view G-d as the ultimate parent. I disagree with them on many things, but I never stop loving them.

Anyway, I understand why you said that. Thank you for your explanation, I appreciate it.

I'd like to let everyone know that Ari was one of Ariel's best friends in grade school and in high school.

Jut a few days ago Karen and I had the pleasure of attending Ari's L'chaim. Yes, Ari is engaged to be married to a wonderful young woman. Mazal Tov to Ari from all his friends at Seraphic Secret.

I don't have much to add to the discussion that has already appeared here about the weakness of the statement that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

I'd just like to throw out there, as food for thought, that perhaps the essence of this debate lies in different people's interpretations of what it means to "handle" something.

No one here is arguing that, in the face of deep hardship and loss, often there is nothing to do but just keep going as best as one can, be as strong as one can, and function in life as best as one can. If by "handle" one means "continue to wake up every morning and function at some sort of minimal level, even if you feel like you are in a fog," then I think we all agree that, yes, MOST people can "handle" the troubles that God gives them. (Of course, there are those who are killed by their "troubles," or take their own lives because they CANNOT "handle" it, or become so depressed that they stay in bed for 2 weeks, so obviously NOT everyone can "handle" it -- some troubles are just too huge-- and there is no shame in that- which I think is Robert's point.)

But if one means, by "handle," that God doesn't give anyone troubles that they can't smile through and continue to function exactly as they did before, that God never gives us anything that, if only we were strong enough, we couldn't laugh at and say "it's a commandment to always be happy," then I think most of us would agree that that is just not true. No one would expect a parent to act that way if their child God forbid died, or was suffering from deep depression, etc.

Can Frank "handle" what is going on? If by "handle" you mean get dressed, brush your teeth, and meet an acquaintance for lunch, and then go home and cry, then it sounds like, yes, he can "handle" it. But no one would wish for themselves a problem that leads to so much misery. And there is simply no reason to feel that misery implies a lack of spiritual fortitude.

Sarah:

In spite of the fact that I continue to walk, talk, breath, adore and love my other children, I have never felt that I have "handled" Ariel's death. A part of me just faded away when he died and I have never been the same and I will never be the same.

And you know what, if I were the same, it would be monstrous.

Which is why I hate, absolutely hate that cliched sentence so very much.

Thank you so much for your eloquent and lucid take on the whole matter. Have a lovely and meaningful Shabbos.

Robert:

Thank you so much for the public Mazal Tov.

Samira and I were so happy that you and Karen were able to attend.

We look forward to seeing you at the wedding.

Ari:

Karen and I are very happy for you and Samira and look forward to attending the chuppah.

The first time I heard the expression, "God doesn't send us more we can handle" was about 25 years ago. It was at a shiva house and the young widow, with 8 small children she would now have to bring up on her own, was saying it to her friend, my sister. I have never forgotten it. It made a profound impression on me. I don't think she meant that the tragedy wasn't terrible. It was. Her husband had been young, a scholar and a wonderful person. I think she meant if God had given her this challenge, He would help her cope with it.

She definitely did not get this from New Age (which probably didn't even exist yet). This was a woman whose life revolved around Torah, as did her parents. She lived a very insular life; no movies, no TV, she probably didn't even read secular books or papers. It may not have been a direct quote from a Torah source, but her outlook was definitely a Torah one. I think it is based on Rabbi Akiva's quote that everything God does is for the good. That doesn't mean we can always see the good; very often we cannot. And it doesn't mean we can handle our troubles as well as we might think we should be able to. (Although I think God has a more realistic view of what we are capable of and only expects us to do our best.)

To me, in the years since I heard it, it has been an impetus not to give up. If God gave me this challenge, He thinks I can handle it eventually, even if I don't think so. For a while, and that might be years, the suffering may seem unbearable and maybe, in the midst of grief, no more is expected of us. But when the intensity of the pain has abated, if we really are wallowing in self-pity, we can push ourselves out of it by realizing that God expects more of us than that. At that point, a little guilt might not be such a bad thing if it causes us to act.

Having read your blog for a while, it seems to me that you are handling yourself at least as well, if not better, than can be expected. I doubt that God expects any more of you than that.

Ruth:

Thanks so much for filling in the blanks. As I have said many times, there is no one correct way of handling grief, we all do the best we can.

As for what HaShem expects or does not expect of me--I have absolutely no idea anymore.

I greatly appreciate your kind words and hope that you will comment more often.

Thank you.

I think what Hashem wants is simply that we try, not necessarily that we succeed. We have to try to follow His rules (perform mitzvos and abstain from sin), try to understand what he wants from us (study) and pray for help. We can ask Him to help us pray. We can ask that He help us say the right things to our children, or if we can't help them that they meet other people who will have a good influence on them. We can ask that He help us be the best we can. We can ask that if He can't change things, He help us accept them.

Prayer from the depths of despair has tremendous power. Any prayer that is accompanied by tears and a feeling of helplessness does too. I have seen it. It's not easy to pray. It is avodah, labor, and hard labor at that. But I have seen it work, although sometimes it takes a while to see the results. We don't always get what we ask for, but often what we do get was far better than what we thought we wanted.

I can't express myself as eloquently as some of you can. I just want to say that I certainly didn't mean that people shouldn't be allowed to feel bad about something that has happened to them. It doesn't even have to be something as tragic as losing a child. It could be the loss of a job. It could be not having enough money to feed your family. However, I still believe that we are made from 'stronger stuff.' Look at the people who were victims of the tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. Certainly they mourned their loss. And they had a right to do so. But after a period of time, they picked themselves up and started rebuilding again. And there are numbers of parents whose children were murdered in terrorist attacks who created a fund in their children's names to help other children.

Chaya:

You are as eloquent as any of our commenters and as eloquent as you need to be. Thanks so much for your valuable words and thoughts.