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June 30, 2006
Be Good to my Daughter
The continuing story of the author's love for his wife, Karen. It began when the author was 9-years old, in the fourth grade in Yeshiva Flatbush. It's a complicated story and this series will continue for, well, until I finish telling the tale.
"This story is true. It happened in the Beis Midrash of the Radzyner Chasidim, the alter Beis Midrash, the old Beis Midrash back in Radzyn, Poland."
An old photo of Warsaw Street, Radzyn, Poland. Radzyn was near Lublin
My father-in-law, Rav Pinchas Tzvi Singer ZT'L and I are sitting in his basement study. In ten days I am going to marry his daughter Karen—I have been in love with Karen since I first laid eyes on her in fourth grade in Yeshiva of Flatbush.
Now, Rav Singer, one of the most learned and prominent Orthodox Rabbis in Brooklyn, in New York, in America, in the known and unknown Universe, has asked me join him for a "talk."
I gird myself for I know that we are not going to be talking about the cinema of Akira Kurosawa.
Rav Singer opens his desk drawer and lifts out a huge Tallis, prayer shawl. It is tradition that only married men wear Tallesim in shul. It is a beautiful and ancient tradition that when a couple get married, the father of the bride buys a full length tallis for his new son-in-law.
Rav Singer holds out the tallis for me.
"For you, Robert."
"Thank you, Rabbi Singer."
"You may call me, Dad."
I hesitate, then manage to stutter: "Thank you, Da-ad."
Reaching over to accept the Tallis, "Dad" — this sounds soooo wrong — abruptly pulls it away.
Oh-oh.
"First, the techeles."
"Oh, you want me to wear..."
He just nails me with a long dark look. I recognize that look. I have seen it in Karen's eyes and it is formidable. You do not argue, you do not question, you just:
"Sure. Absolutely. A great kavod, honor."
Karen's father is a Radzyner Hasid.
The founder of the Radzyn Hasidic dynasty in the late 19th century was Reb Gershon Hanoch Leiner, who reintroduced the interweaving of the blue thread among the tzitzit, the ritual fringes, and established a laboratory for producing the proper dye.
The particular blue that the techles is supposed to be was lost for over two thousand years. Reb Gershon traveled to Italy and Greece, armed to the teeth against highwayman, and experimented with hundreds of dyes until he came up with what he believed was the correct shade of blue.
Naturally, there are dissenting opinions, and several other techeles dyes have appeared that seem to have more validity than Reb Gershon's original formulation.
But the weight of tradition is authoritative and Rav Singer as a Radzyner Chasid felt that the minhagim, the traditions of the Radzyner are vital to uphold.
We sit in the basement and weave the techeles into my new tallis. I find myself deeply moved, as if a central part of my very soul is being woven into Rav Singer's life, into the life of this great dynasty that was all but obliterated by the Nazis.
My father-in-law returns to his Chasidic tale.
"This happened in the Radzyner Beis Midrash back in Poland, when Reb Gershon's court was filled with his Chasidim, and the future of the dynasty shined brightly.
"The Radzyner are known for two things, Robert, do you know what they are?"
"Techeles..."
"And?"
I shrug.
"Learning. The Radzyner were the most scholarly of all the Chasidic dynasties. They were determined to show the Litvaks that Chasidim could be as learned as the Litvishe Beis Midrashim. You know of course that the Vilna Gaon put a ban on Chassidus at the beginning, he considered the movement heretical and filled with ignoramuses. With his ban, it could be said that The Vilna Gaon actually saved Chassidus."
Rav Singer deftly finishes one tzitzis, and moves on to the next. I'm still hunkered over, laboring on the first thread. Naturally, I'm botching the job; the knots have to be tied in a ritually prescribed manner, according to age old tradition, and the Hebrew instructions I'm trying to follow are just about as confusing as a Japanese manual for a VCR.
"Anyway, here's what happened. The Radzyner Beis Midrash was filled with Chasidim. Every single man was bent over, engrossed in learning Talmud. The room buzzed with the sounds of Torah, the give and take of scholarly exegesis. Suddenly, Reb Gershon noticed that the sun was setting.
"He motioned to the Beadle, who clopped his hand on the table.
"Whap!
"Signaling that it was time to daven, time to pray."
Rav Singer's fingers seem to fly as he knots the tzitzis up and down, preparing my tallis for me, for the husband of his most beloved daughter.
I wait for the end of the story. My future father-in-law looks up at me, questioning.
"Nu, Robert?
I have not a clue.
"What are they davening?
"Minchah? I propose.
Rav Singer shakes his head, and continues.
"Reb Gershon rose, and went to his shtender, then announced to his Chasidim: "Chevre, we must stop learning, but it is time to daven Kol Nidre."
Rav Singer chuckles, yanks my end of the tallis away from me and in ten seconds flat weaves my techeles into my tzitzis.
"Be good to Karen, Robert. Learn Torah, and be good to my daughter."
The tallis Rav Singer gave me is still the tallis I wear on Shabbos. The techeles he threaded for me so many years ago gently sways with my body as I daven. The Radzyner tradition that Rav Singer so proudly passed on to me are part and parcel of my life. Every once in a while, in shul, someone will come over to me, acknowledge my techeles and say:
"Radzyner?"
"My father-in-law."
"Ah, his name?"
"Rav Pinchas Zvi Singer."
Inevitably, recognition brightens their expression and the person will tell me that they have heard of Rav Singer's great scholarship, or in some cases they will relay some wonderful anecdote about my father-in-law.
Sometimes, I will meet another Radzyner Chasid in shul or Beis Midrash and when he hears that I am Rav Singer's son-in-law I will be pulled into a huge bear hug and given sloppy kisses on both cheeks.
I call these "Radzyner Encounters of the Third Kind." Karen's father always took great pleasure in hearing about these emotional meetings. When you are Jewish and you meet other Jews in shul, there are no strangers.
Now that Rav Singer is physically gone, I have a feeling that I will be the one on the look out in shul for other men wearing techeles. And though it's completely against my more reserved nature, I can see myself playing Jewish geography with another Radzyner, pulling him into a bear hug and yes, even bestowing a wet kiss on my Chasidic chaver's cheeks.
I will do this for Rav Singer ZT'l, just as I have learned Torah and been as good as I know how to his most beloved daughter Karen.
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Karen and I thank all our Seraphic Friends for your kind words of nechama, for your shiva visits, for your friendship. On behalf of the Avrech/Singer family we wish you all a lovely and meaninigful Shabbos.
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To read Rabbi David Singer's hesped, eulogy for his father, Rav Singer, go here.
To read Jackie Danicki's hesped for Rav Singer, click here.
For Karen's hesped for her father click here.
And to read a fine article by Rav Singer on, "A Shabbos Shattered" click here.
To read Rav Singer's article: "Resurrection: The Neglected Consolation." click here.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at June 30, 2006 01:06 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Robert and Karen, Thank you for that beautiful story as we enter Shabbos and for your emotional stories to keep me grounded through the week.
Good Shabbos
Posted by: Misc Reader at June 30, 2006 03:38 PM
A descendent of the first Radzyner Rebbe, Rabbi Moshe Leiner, of Borough Park, was a close friend of my father A"H and we were privileged to hear his hesped at my father's funeral.
Posted by: Karen Singer Avrech at June 30, 2006 03:59 PM
Misc Reader:
Glad you like the story. Have a beautiful Shabbos.
Posted by: Karen Singer Avrech at June 30, 2006 04:19 PM
Have a good Shabbos Robert and Karen...all these tales from or about your father/father-in-law fill me with something I have not felt as I should for a long time...Ahavas Yisrael, and that is no small thing. Oh, I've had it, but not as I should, and these stories...these should also be a book...
Posted by: Maurice at June 30, 2006 05:23 PM
That was a beautiful story.
Posted by: Jack at June 30, 2006 05:42 PM
Robert, That is a beautiful story, and a stunning story within a story. Of course, now that techeiles has become quite popular among the Mizrachi crowd, it is no longer a symbol of Radziner brotherhood.
There's one question about your story that is bothering me: How on earth has your tallis lasted 25 years?!
Posted by: yehupitz at July 1, 2006 07:32 PM
Dear Yehupitz:
I actually have two tallesim, one for every day davening and one for Shabbos. In truth, both are in pretty bad shape, a bit yellowed and threadbare and should probably be retired, but I just can't bring myself do it. I just stubbornly hang on to them fo they fit the contours of my body and my davening just perfectly.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at July 1, 2006 10:48 PM
Robert and Karen,
I am sorry for your loss - and it is so obviously a great loss for both of you... and thank you for the beautiful story.
Posted by: SS at July 2, 2006 04:10 AM
SS:
Thanks so much for your words of nechama.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 2, 2006 08:27 AM
Robert and Karen,
I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful story. Even more lovely is your deep appreciation for your family. My children never knew their grandfathers. My oldest, in particular, has always been drawn to older gentlemen whom he descibed as "you know Mom, they just scrunch their eyes and sparkles shoot out." A quiet, honest, intelligent sense of humor. This is how I imagine Karen's father.
It's wonderful you have these memories to hold on to.
Posted by: Lisa at July 2, 2006 09:02 AM
Robert,
How fortunate you both were to have eachother. A father-in-law to learn from and a son-in-law who would take exquisite care of his daughter.
Posted by: cruisin-mom at July 2, 2006 05:44 PM
Lisa:
Your child sounds like an incredibly perceptive person. Yes, we have wonderful memories to hold on to. Thanks so much.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 2, 2006 08:07 PM
Randi:
Fortunate indeed. It was Bashert.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 2, 2006 08:08 PM
There is no greater way to honor your beloved father-in-law than what you have described here. Beautiful.
Posted by: Stacey at July 2, 2006 10:21 PM
Robert... I have to admit I am hooked on this series. Having met your lovely wife has convinced me that you lack the typical Jewish story-teller's gift for exaggeration... and have in fact been quite modest in your descriptions.
I wear Tekhelet from Murex trunculus, but I agree with you that there are so many aspects of Judaism that are based on long held traditions (rather than absolute knowledge) that it would approach the criminal to try to declare one 'shita' valid or 'invalid' at this late date.
I was once told that even though several letters differentiate the Sephardi and Ashkenazi Sefrei Torah... that if we were to miraculously discover a sefer Torah from a more authoritative time, we would continue to consider both of our modern Sifrei Torah to be kosher.
Posted by: treppenwitz at July 3, 2006 03:38 AM
Stacey:
You could not give me a greater compliment.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 04:19 AM
Treppenwitz:
I keep telling Karen (and others) that I'm not exaggerating anything in my "How I Married Karen" series. Well, now that you're backing me up maybe somebody will finally, at long last believe me.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 04:26 AM
Robert:
I say stick with those old Tallisim! The ones they make today may look fancier, but they're all so much bigger than they used to be. You end up fidgeting with it throughout the davening and really losing concentration.
It's really great when you can use something so often that connects you with family and the past. Older people should remember it's things like that that the younger generation really appreciates, often even more than a monetary inheritance.
Posted by: Jake at July 3, 2006 04:36 AM
Jake:
You are so right. My big tallis is actually quite small compared to the really BIG tallesim I see the young married men wearing in shul. And mine, as I said, is quite yellow and the fabric is almost see-through it's so old, but what can I do? We're attached. And it doesn't slip off my shoulders when I daven, no need for fancy silver clips. I don't even wear an atara, ten lbs. of silver links across the neck. Just me and my basic techeles tallis. We work.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 04:54 AM
Of course Robert does not exaggerate. The spiritual and emotional truths he shares with us, resonates in our souls as almost tangible and familiar; connecting us to each other, to our own greater humanity.
This is a gift: The essence of a great Rav, a leader.
Clearly Robert continues the chain of the great Rabbis before him: His father and father in law- yet expressed in a format those not learned in the intricacies of Talmud can relate to.
Of this Seraphic Readers are grateful.
Sorry for the loss of Rabbi Singer, you've described a person that I feel I know; and the loss is felt.
May you find comfort in the mourners of Israel.
Posted by: Yael at July 3, 2006 05:11 AM
As people have said about your writing style in the past, it is a pleasure to read your words.
We tend to ride an emotional roller coaster with you -- and the important thing is that we FEEL -- because your thoughts and feelings come through loudly in all your posts, whether you're writing about Hollywood and Hollyweird, whether it's the political venting you offer up, whether it's the sneak peeks about family, friends and community that you share with us, whether it's the fun and fabulous Seraphic University course and campus descriptions you throw our way, or whether it's the bittersweet moments and the sadness that has touched your lives that you share.
Through your words we get a strong sense of the Avrech/Singer families: where you've come from, and where you're going.
Thank you.
Posted by: Pearl at July 3, 2006 08:30 AM
Yael:
You are too kind.
Once again I want to express our appreciation for you and your husband's shiva visit. It was wonderful meeting you face to face at last, I only wish it was under happier circumstances.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 09:16 AM
Pearl:
I'm glad that my writing gives you such satisfaction. There is a delicate balancing act at work: how much is too personal, how much is too political, how much Hollywood will get me blacklisted?
I'm still searching for the right balance.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 09:20 AM
Robert,
Did you have a "talk" with your prospective son-in-law a few days before he married your daughter? Was it as touching as And did it involve Kurosawa? Inquiring minds want to know.
Posted by: Michael Jennings at July 3, 2006 09:37 AM
Michael:
I am not a Rav, and I knew my new son-in-law very well before the wedding. We had spent many hours together in shul, on the shooting range, in my home. The young man was in no need of a "talk." Offspring #2 is in very good hands.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 3, 2006 09:43 AM
Thanks for another interesting account.
Just a little note - actually many Jews do wear talleisim even before marriage - e.g. Sepharadim, Yekkes, Yemenites...
P.S. Did Rav Singer's tallis have an atara ? What is the Radziner minhag re that ?
Posted by: radio listener of Rav Singer z at July 7, 2006 02:34 PM
Radio Listener:
Yes, you are quite right, I should have specified that I was speaking of the minhag, the tradition of the Lithuanian and the Polish Jews who only wear Tallesim after marriage.
I cannot speak for a specific Radzinger minhag regarding the Atara for I simply don't know, but my father-in-law's tallis is graced with a full and lovely silver atara.
Thanks so much for writing, have a beautiful and meaningful Shabbos.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 7, 2006 02:49 PM