Let me rate the sampling of letters:

1. Pathetic.

2. Deranged.

3. Sweet but delusional.

4. Nice.

5. Hateful but with a hilarious surprise ending.

6. Huh?

For the record let me say that I enjoy your blog very much. It's well and intelligently written, with a soft-spoken style I enjoy. The personal pieces are humorous and engaging, as are those relating to your work. Keep up the good work.

(As for the criticisms of your work, I'm sure you are a fine screenwriter, but sadly, I don't think I've ever seen any of your movies. I'll have to rectify that at some point.)

LOL! Don't any of those people know the way to Carnegie Hall? or San Jose? or "Up"?

I think I know the guy who wrote the Kiruv letter... he wants me to produce a reality show about people sent off to do kesher work in Cincinnati.

Kishke:

Obviously, I did not publish the nice and very sane letters I receive every single day. Unfortunately, I do get a fair amount of whacky mail and your categories fit perfectly.

As for seeing my movies, warning: I'm the man who has single-handedly blocked the Moshiach, so you might find some of my films, um, inappropriate. Especially "Body Double."

I do however, strongly guide you to my film "The Devil's Arithmetic." I won an Emmy (Best Screenplay) for this movie. This is a film I am proud of; a film observant Jews can view without reservations.

Have a Good Shabbos.

Jeremiah:

You LOL, yet I get these letter almost every day of the week and worse, feel compelled to answer 99% of them -- excluding outright death threats.

P.S. Which way is "Up?"

Jake:

Small world. Yes, the Kiruv guy did mention you in his letter -- as a reference:)

Dear Mr. Avrech,

I know you're a Hollywood screenwriter, and I'm just a person with ideas. But I think I have a wonderful story for you to consider for a screenplay.

It's about a blogger who, for personal reasons, starts a blog. That blog becomes both an opening for this blogger to the outside world, and an opening for the blogger's readers to his world.

Friendships are formed, enemies are made, a spectrum of emotions are witnessed, and secrets are shared.

It is definitely a story to pursue. I suggest the name "Seraphic Secret." (someone wisely told me that brevity in a title has more punch)

In the meantime, I wish you and yours a Shabbat Shalom.

Pearl

Re "Up": Touch the bottom of the pool. Then you can't go wrong.

Dear Pearl:

Thanks so much for your letter. We love getting suggestions from people with "ideas."

We have considered your idea and, unfortunately, we do not find it sufficently compelling for a feature film.

Audiences are not interested in "spectrums of emotion." In our experience modern audiences are primarily interested in more visceral things like:

1. Sex
2. Violence
3. Chases

As for the title, "Seraphic Secret," I hate to be so negative, but we would bet that 9 out of 10 Americans have no idea what Seraphic means, much less how to pronounce the word.

Hollywood frowns on movies with obscure titles. We leave that to the New Kurdish Cinema. Obscure titles guarantee financial failure.

Thanks so much for your suggestion. We look forward to ruthlessly shooting down any further ideas you might have :)

Good Shabbos.

Death threats--wow! You're almost there.

When the Democrats throw food at you, their highest honor for intellectual excellence, then you'll know you are truly one of conservatism's leading lights.

Virgil

Major:

Actually, I am planning on calling you and your Barret .50 caliber -- for protection. Because if there's anything I truly fear... it's a Democrat wielding food-stuffs.

Jeremiah:

Breathing...

Diving...

Holding...

Touching Bottom of Pool....

Chest bursting...

Heart exploding...

On my way "Up."

Because I'm running out of air :)

Have a Good Shabbos.

At your service, of course (as if you would need my help)! I just hope they don't buy their pies at the day-old outlet shop.

And good Shabbos to you and the Seraphic community.

(My friends have started to get it, they don't ask me to do things on Friday nights anymore.)

Major:

I just hope they buy kosher pies!

Jeremiah:

How wonderful to hear that your Shabbos is becoming more lovely and even more meaningful. Please know that we are on the lookout for a shidduch for you which will complete the picture.

Also, please be aware that the book I've set aside for my Shabbos read begins with this sentence: "In 1937, I began, like Lazarus, the impossible return."

So if you connect the kiruv guy with the tax attorney- whose clients can launder their money for a "good" purpose - why that would be the ultimate in Teshuvah and would bring Moshiach now!
Right?
Thanks for sharing those letters, they really made me laugh!
Shabbat Shalom!

Take care.
Shabbat shalom.

Yael:

Thanks so much for connecting the dots. You made me laugh. Shabbat Shalom.

Jayne:

Shabbat Shalom to you and yours.

I'm overjoyed you noticed that "impossible return" phrase! Though it's not intended in the sense of "teshuva" (not literally).

The gratitude we feel towards writers often arises because they say what we have always felt but could not manage to put into our own words. Sometimes, they make it possible for us for us to find the words....

Jeremiah:

And gratitude to those who recommend good books by singular writers.

Robert, had I known you were powerful enough to single-handedly block the coming of the Messiah, I would have brought you two babkes...who new?

Thanks for giving this shicksa a good laugh!

Goodness, how is it that all those people think their petty little lives would make a great movie? Just goes to show how clueless some people are.

Now MY life, that would be something else. I'm available to give you the details any time you care to write, call or visit.

Thanks for sharing.
And thanks for Devil's Arithmethic, I rented it a few weeks ago and watched it with my 14 year old son (he read the book). We were both "blown away"

Cruisin Mom:

I told you I was all-powerful, you just didn't believe me.

Lisa:

You are very welcome.

Sara:

My people will be in touch with your people.

Betsy:

Glad you and your son liked my film. It only took eight years to get made.

Heh.

At least you know that they are reading you.

Jack:

With a fine tooth comb.

Now, that's one nice thing about being a speechwriter, not a scriptwriter. I never get my name on anything I do, true; but it also means nobody knows who I am or how to find me!

Uberimma:

Now we know how to find you.

Robert,

I think that this last one was my favorite. I love the line about how he has been writing screenplays for years.

Sounds to me like another bitter, unemployed writer.

He hates it so much here that he can't stop coming to see what he is missing. The good news is that there is still hope that in the process he'll gain an education.

Jack:

Lots of bitter unemployed screenwriters in LA. My experience has been that angry people are not able to learn very much--they're too narcissistic.