I am that Jew who read this post and thought: "How much more meaningful would my Yom Kippur have been if I could have used some of the day to talk to Jew like you about our burdens both mental and physical." Maybe I just like talking too much, but I so yearn for a Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah and even a Shabbat service I can get more out of.

Jake:

It is supposed to be difficult, Jake. If you look at my post again you will see that I added one more thought, the next to last paragraph.

Robert, this made me cry. Antoine and I send our love. (Bet the scrambled eggs will taste great!)

Jackie:

I am that Jew in shul on Yom Kippur who prayed to dance at your wedding.

I am that Jew in shul on Yom Kippur who after the fast was over cracked three fresh eggs and made the most delicious scrambled eggs ever tasted.

Interesting to hear the stream of consciousness of another person in shul. I don't think I'd be brave enough to voice all my thoughts out loud.
Wishing you, Karen and your family a good year.

Mata:

Not brave, just couldn't think of anything else to write. And so just chalk it up to sheer laziness. A good year to you too.

I am that Jew in shul who thought a lot about her parents, who thought about her husband and children, who thought about siblings and extended family...who was thankful that we could all hear the blowing of the shofar at the end of the service once more, and wondered and hoped if next year we would all be able to again.
I am that Jew in shul who thought about her local friends and those in blogland...and yes, who thought about what Robert and Karen must be feeling this year -- every year -- with the absence of Ariel.

Pearl:

I am that Jew in shul who thanks you for your deep friendship and always generous thoughts.

"I am that Jew in shul on Yom Kippur who started checking the pages in the machzor, more specifically, counting how many pages were left until the services were over."

nothing sounds more familiar than this one

Ari:

Oh good, I thought I was the only one counting pages.

Robert, it's wonderful to read someone admitting what the rest of us go through; it's NOT easy to concentrate on the davening. I volunteer to daven from the amud, because I can sing, enjoy it, and it forces me to concentrate...which I am abysmal at when I am not singing. I was trying to find out if the Rams, ex-of L.A., had won...the last few minutes of the game was being played as we went into Kol Nidrei. And that was one of my higher thoughts!

"Monkey mind". I have it...I think for most it's hard to NOT have it. We can't even get through a short service, much less the all-day, while-fasting and standing-too-much of Y.Kippur.

No one, though, can pretend to understand what you go through with the thoughts about Ariel. I did think about my relatives during Yizkor...and at other times during the day. I miss my dad and I miss him being there to see my kids there. I miss my grandparents, a great deal, and my uncle.

I know it's not the same. The pain you go through...what can anyone say? But I am glad you shared this list with us.

Thanks especially for the Civil War film list...we've seen most of the major battlefields, and I learned a great deal about the War..and would love to watch some good films about it.

You are right with the 2nd-to-last line. I happen to love Yom Kippur, in spite of the difficulties. Many of the prayers are beautiful, the Hebrew is beautiful (yes, some are beyond difficult and obscure), and I love the traditional nusach and tunes. I also happen to feel best during...Neilah...and I know it's the fasting, the light-headedness from lack of fluids, but it's also the beauty of the prayers, (P'tach lanu shaar...I come close to crying during it, every year...I sing it, and it's one of the most beautiful things of the entire year, to me).

Worth the pain, to get that feeling at the end of Yom Kippur. Not that I wasn't ready for a big slug of juice, but that last hour or so...the one time of the year I can reliably feel...something deep inside, something that might fit a description of "spirituality"...not easy to come by otherwise.

The other thing that occurred yesterday...the last "Ki Anu Amecha"...there were a large number of students and young folks at this particular shule I was at...and they must have all felt something the same, near the end, because it was the loudest, most passionate and cohesive rendition of that tune I had ever heard at that shule, and it sent shivers down my spine.

After all the bad news from Israel, about anti-Semitism etc....this was a welcome antidote. A packed shule at the end of the day (it was not always thus)..and a joyful and wonderful crowd of Jews, all together in a magical way.

Or my blood sugar was low and I was just dazzled easily.

Have a wonderful year.

ditto everything Maurice said. I would swear we were at the same service, except I know you weren't leading mine. :-)

During midnight selichot two weeks before, that first time the kaddish is sung with the Yamim Noraim melody and the whole kahal joins in on "Vechayechon uvyomechon. . . ." gives me shivers. That is truly when the gate opens, that later swings shut during Neilah.

My Hebrew is sparse so I always switch back and forth with the English anyway.....

This year I didn't try to get through all the Al Cheyts. I spent more time on the other paragraphs about our weaknesses and sins and God's attitude. There is much poetry and wisdom there.

I was feeling pretty okay and not sure I would get emotional this year, unlike last year when i was a wreck. Our congregation starts the Kol Nidre service singing "Or Zarua" to the melody of the Carlebach "Angel song" while the torahs are carried to the amud. As I started singing the tears started pouring down my face.

I am that Jew in shul whose teachers sent me to the rabbis to ask questions that they didn't want to answer.

I am that Jew in shul who used to routinely ask the rabbis why they didn't get bored on days like Yom Kippur.

I am that Jew in shul who bursts into spontaneous fits of laughter. Too much solemnity can tickle my funny bone.

All I know is that without Unataneh Tokef I would be lost.

i personally prefer a mahzor that has the same page number for the english and hebrew sides. this way when i don't feel like there are 100 pages left when there are really only 50.

also, i love it when a book finally begins on p. 54 after all the introdcutory material. this way after reading just 2 or 3 pages i feel like i am really already far into the book and i am less likely to give up on it.

(on a different matter, i posted a small reminisce of my grandfather recently at http://agmk.blogspot.com/2006/09/naughty-boy-in-warsaw-on-y_115942241642158898.html)

Gosh I envy your friends for having you. If anything Im sure Hashem was delighted with your introspection and honestly during this day.

I am that Jew in shul who looks back over 5 years of grief and failure and realizes one only has to reach out to Hashem and he will grab you and not let go. To think 5 years ago my life was in complete upheaval....and now I am walking the streets of Jerusalem, on the cusp of aliyah....growing a business...I have truly world class friends....and dating someone fabulous....

Please dont wake me ;)

Dear Robert and Karen,

You certainly hit the nail on the head with this one!

I experienced many of the same feelings.

Right before Mincha Yom Kippur I saw an elderly man approach the yahrzeit plaques. He was weeping. I happened to be by the Etz Chaim when I caught him in the corner of my eye.

I went over to chat.

"For whom are you grieving?" I asked.

"My wife Florence. She left me so very early!" he said pointing to her plaque.

"That's my son right there just two plaques below." I commented-hoping to console him however much or little I could.

He seemed surprised.

I did take a small measure of comfort in that his yahrzeit bulb was alight as was Florence's as was everyone else's as was "Ariel's"!

I remain ...

Very Sincerely yours,

Alan D. Busch

I know that this comment isn't particularly new, but it made me feel really good to realize that I wasn't the only one whose mind was wandering. And that I wasn't the only one who cried during Yizkor.

Maurice:

As always, your comments are blog posts in themselves. I would love to be part of a minyan where you are the sheliach tzibur.

Ki Anu Amecha is absolutely the one niggun that sends chills up and down my spine.

Let me know how you like the Civil War films--especially "Ride With the Devil."

Yehudit:

Know exactly how you feel when the kahal starts singing Or Zarua.

And you know what, we are all at the same service!

Thanks so much for writing.

"And you know what, we are all at the same service!"

So true.

I also like a machzor with same page #s on both sides. We use the Silverman machzor - a bit antiquated English for us, but it doesn't leave anything out, unlike some more modern machzors. We REALLY like singing piyyutim. If you check out my Yamim Noraim posts you will hear some of them.
http://www.keshertalk.com/archives/doing_jewish/_holy_days/_yamim_noraim/

(I have one for every day since Ellul, all have mp3s of Jewish music for the season.)

Jack:

Sounds like you and I had the same Rabbis. The good news is that Rabbis now love to answer the difficult questions.

PS The Hadar melodies are labeled as being from Kehilat Hadar - the rest are from CDs.

"Ride With The Devil" is for some reason one of the less widely known of Ang Lee's films, which is odd, really, because it is in my mind better than the two films that preceded it. "The Ice Storm" I like, but not as much as "Ride with the Devil", and "Sense and Sensibility" is a Jane Austen adaptation I don't really care for, mainly because it is a little too much Emma Thompson's vanity project. (There are one or two things I do like about it though, most notably Kate Winslet's performance as Marianne).

Ari:

Yup, yup, yup on the pagination. Read and commented about your grandfather Z'L. Thanks so much.

iab:

Gosh, I hope you're right.

Robert:

I relate to so much of this, as a bereaved parent as well as on the more mundane fronts of shul/davening overdose and inevitable mind-wandering.

Thanks for sharing your vivid and - for me - extremely real and resonant Yom Kippur experience. You are right, nobody except you and Karen truly understand what you went through - not even other bereaved parents! We each have our own unique, personal experience of unbearable loss, that sets us forever aside from the rest of humanity and even ultimately from eachother.

May God grant that our "club" gain no new members this year.

And on a lighter note, I used my old Birnbaum machzor this year and noted that the places for the end of musaf and neilah both have permanent dents, from all the hours, year after year, where I would hold my fingers there to mark how much longer it would be till we would end! My son Shalom was impressed by this - "Gee dad, you were a regular kid just like me!"

Lance:

We all daven that you never "wake up."

Alan:

Karen and I take a measure of nechama in hearing your story. Thanks so much.

Annie:

Not looking for originality -- only sincerity. And your comment gets four stars.

Hi Robert, touching, sweet and funny.

My youngest son was on his first Yom Kippur (he's bar mitzvah on Succos) and he was already counting pages and hours at Shacharis. Every so often I would whisper in his ear, "Eggs and cheese," and he would start giggling.

Also, when my older kids were little and would complain about how many pages were left, I would point out that: (a) half that number is translation, which we're not doing, (b) another third is the commentary on bottom, and (c) we skip most of the piyutim anyway. Presto, 798 pages became 175. They never really fell for it, but it would make them laugh, which was really the point.

Speaking of counting pages . . .

I am that Jew in shule on Rosh Hashanah who periodically would check how many pages we'd covered, mentally calculate an average number of minutes spent per page, and then multiply that by the number of pages left in order to estimate when we'd finish.

I am that Jew in shule on Yom Kippur who didn't bother calculating anything, because the fast ends when it ends, regardless of how many pages are left.

>> I am that Jew in shul on Yom Kippur who was
sitting in the first row right behind the
chazzan.

>> I am that Jew in shul on Yom Kippur who kept getting violently whipped in the face by the Chazzan's tzitzis as the Chazzan adjusted his >> tallis (prayer shawl) over his shoulders --
every twelve seconds.

Why'd you stay so close? Do you have to stay there like a golem?

Was the shul so crowded you could not go back a bit? We don't have that problem at Avenue O - even at bneilah . the problem then may be getting people to step forward. You don't need this kind of honor.

>> made a list of the best Civil War movies ever >> made,

Ohm this happens and more - but dince we pray for everything, maybe in some ways everything is relevant, or something close to it. Everything gets down to what you should do, or prayers for something good, in the end.

i am one of those jews who was happy to be able to be in shul this year. and one of those jews who thought of ariel and cried and hoped he might put in a good word for me.

as far as this post being a product of laziness - may this year be one full of such laziness for all of us.

Michael:

I do not care for "The Ice Storm", find it too self-consciouly artsy. "Sense & Sensibility" is pretty darn good.

However, "Ride With the Devil" is the best film Ang Lee and company have ever made.

It bombed big time at the box office in spite of excellent reviews.

There's no way of pin-pointing why one film is a hit and another film dies. If we had a clue, we'd only be making hits. Instead, most Hollywood films barely break even.

"Brokeback Mountain" is also directed by Ang Lee and the same producers. It is however more than a film, it's a cultural and political artifact.

My favorite moment in "Ride" is Jake's wedding night. Jake, a Southern bushwacker, is beautifully played by Toby Maguire. His wife, a young widow is played by pop singer Jewel.

Jake, steps into the bedroom. Jewel senses Jake's gnawing fear of marital intimacy.

Jewel: Have you ever been with a woman, Jake?
Jake: Girl, I have killed fifteen men.

A perfect moment that says so very much with so few words.

Elie:

"May God grant that our "club" gain no new members this year."

To which I answer: Amen, Amen, v'Amen.

Glad the post resonated with you.

Kishke:

I'm going to keep your novel notion of pagination in mind for Yom Kippur next year. Thanks for the tip.

Sarah:

You sound like a math whiz. Way too complicated for me. But we all cope and count in our own unique ways.

Sammy:

It's true, I am a Golem. Who told you?

Josh:

How wonderful to know that another was also thinking of Ariel. Thank you.

Yehudit:

Thanks for posting all that wonderful music. It's a real mitzvah.

I suspect, Robert, that these many comments prove that this post has broken down unseen barriers. Using your personal Yom Kippur experience, you are unafraid to show your true colors in such a public way...and you lead the way for us. That's why so many people can admit that they feel as you do as they sit in shul on Yom Kippur, and sometimes just on any Yom Tov or Shabbos.
The "burden" of knowing that our thoughts and eyes do stray from prayer and devout concentration is lifted from our shoulders when we see that there are others like us...

Robert, you want music? How about old Kate Bush videos?

http://www.keshertalk.com/archives/2006/10/katebushvideos.php

My favorite moment in "Ride" is Jake's wedding night.

That is a beautiful scene. I actually like the whole way that relationship is played. The woman played by Jewel has had a baby by Jake's friend Jack, who has subsequently been killed. Jake has taken her under his protection, but for all sorts of reasons (including loyalty to his friend) that is all he has done. He is then essentially forced into a shotgun marriage on the grounds of being the father of the baby, not because anybody actually belives that he is the father of the baby, because it is understood that it is the best thing for everybody, including (and in fact particulary) him. So nobody disputes this.

However, "Ride With the Devil" is the best film Ang Lee and company have ever made.

Certainly it is his best American film that I have seen, although I have not actually seen "Brokeback Mountain". My slight caveat to that statement is that I also greatly "The Wedding Banquet" and "Eat Drink Man Woman", his last two Chinese language films prior to making films in the US. In particular, I adore the performances of Sihung Lung, who plays the father of the main characters in both movies, and whose character in both cases turns out to be much more on top of things and more astute than the younger characters realise. And although this has been in plain sight all along, the viewer of the movie tends to miss it until the end in the same way that the children do. These are really very beautifully constructed movies.

His character in "Eat Drink Man Woman" also demonstrates his affection by cooking elaborate meals for his children, because he isn't terribly good at saying it. And while I am not a master chef like he is in the movie, trying to demonstrate my affection for people by cooking elaborate meals for them rather than talking about it is something I have occasionally been guilty of. And come to think of it talking about movies rather than the other things in this discussion is perhaps not too dissimilar.

I tasted my hunger (and not just my own).

Pearl:

This post has opened floodgates. I have received more private e-mails than at any other time.

We are all so fragile. So human.

Yehudit:

Looks like the Yamim Noraim bring out your inner DJ. Thanks again.

Michael:

The wedding night. Brilliant dialogue.

Jewel: Jake, have you ever been with a woman?
Jake: Girl, I have killed fifteen men.

Classic.

Jeremiah:

Totally appropriate.

>> I have receive more private e-mail than at any >> other time.

>> We are all so fragile. So human.

I don't think you post your oprivate e-mail hgere anymore, so I don't know how to send it.

I am the Jew that reads your blog and all the comments to reassure myself that the WHOLE world hasn't gone crazy.

Ki Anu Amecha has always been sung with the same tune in every synagogue I've ever been in. This year I got choked up while singing because I imagined everyone on the east coast singing it at that very moment in one voice. The image in my mind was so overwhelmingly beautiful, I had a lump in my throat the rest of the service.



Oh, and I agree. I've loved The Beguiled ever since the first time I saw it when I was 9 or 10 (yes, very precocious)- haven't been able to eat mushrooms since.

Betsy:

What a lovely thing to say. No, the whole world has not gone crazy. But a good portion certainly is in the midst of giving the appearance of going quite mad. Let us hope that good will triumph over evil.

"The Beguiled" at age 9? I'm impressed, and kind of terrified. Talk about Civil War Gothic. I mean that's a twisted film.

Have you seen "Ride With the Devil?"

If not, you are in for a heck of a treat.

I am a Jew in a shul on Yom Kippur who spent most of Neelah standing with his son (let's call him Charlie because that's what the rabbi called him) watching a spider erect an intricate web on shtender while some other kid kept trying to knock him off with a siddur.

Charlie and I rooted for the spider.

Toddler:

The suspense is killing me: who won, spider or spider killer?