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February 13, 2007
The Solace of Lost Siddurim
by Karen Avrech
Since Ariel ZT'L, died much of my waking and sleeping life, since I dream of him often, is taken up with assembling images of my son. I have said many times that the piercing sense of loss is mounting as time passes. Paradoxically, as the years go by, I am increasingly feeling the immediacy of Ariel's presence, something I blocked out in the early years, perhaps as a defensive measure.
I have flashbacks now to his early years. The other day I saw him vividly as a two year old, in a red fleece jacket, rosy-cheeked in the New York cold, head covered in his navy wool hat. Images are returning, and tears are falling from my eyes at the oddest moments,
Along with the grieving, one seeks messages. There must be some meaning, some ongoing connection. A small miracle that gives solace. I like to tell myself that I was granted one such "message" recently.
My older daughter gave me a siddur (prayer book) with an inscription at the close of her year in Israel. It was the same year that Ariel died. She wrote that she was grateful for the experience, grateful to us for allowing her to be in Israel at that time, knowing how hard that year was for us all.
This past November, five years later, we were visiting her younger sister at the same seminary. I lost the siddur on that trip. I know I dropped it in the taxi on our way from the hotel to the school. I called the taxi company three times and each time they angrily told me that they didn't find any siddur. I gave up.
I loved that siddur with the special inscription.
Two months later, on a trip to my newly married daughter's home in Teaneck, I asked her for a siddur for the morning prayer since I no longer had my own travelling siddur. She gave me one that felt very comfortable in my hand. I said, "Oh, this feels so familiar." I looked for an inscription to see where it came from, to whom it belonged.
What a surprise -- it was originally mine. It was a siddur that was given to me by my father ZT'L upon the birth of my youngest daughter. I had forgotten all about it. It was inscribed by my father with a Hebrew poem he had composed for the occasion. My father died this past year, so I was thrilled to rediscover this siddur.
I prayed.
As I turned the pages, I noticed that some of the prayers had penciled annotations in the margins. For example, the different paragraphs of the Sh'ma were given names: Chesed, Din, Tiferet.
But the handwriting was Ariel's!
I began to cry. He had written comments on some of the prayers. I don't know if he had used the siddur in a class, or just needed to make his own insertions.
Now the lost siddur had led me to the siddur that I was meant to find. A new gift from the same daughter from the two people in my life who were no longer alive to speak to me: my father and my son. A small miracle that brings some solace where comfort is rare.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at February 13, 2007 06:59 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
I think Robert needs to stop hogging the keyboard and let you blog more often.
Posted by: Ari Kinsberg at February 13, 2007 10:47 PM
Ari:
That's what I keep telling Karen.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 14, 2007 12:23 AM
What a beautiful posting...
Posted by: A Simple Jew at February 14, 2007 03:55 AM
Thanks for my morning cry, Karen.
Beautiful writing and truly a beautiful message of Hashem's hand at work.
We often hear about chesed, we hear about din, but not as often about tiferet.
From Wikipedia: "Tiferet ("Adornment", Hebrew: תפארת) or Tifereth, Tipheret, Tiphereth - also known as Rakhamim ("Mercy", Hebrew: רחמים ɾaħăm'im) or Shalom ("Peace", Hebrew: שלום ) - is the sixth sfira in the Tree of Life in Kabbalah, which is the spirituality of Rabbinic Judaism. It has the common association of "Spirituality", "Balance", "Integration", "Beauty", "Miracles", "Compassion", and "Masculinity"."
There was a little of all of those in your "find."
Posted by: Pearl at February 14, 2007 05:21 AM
Thank you for sharing, Karen.
Posted by: Melissa at February 14, 2007 05:58 AM
Beautiful post - I am sorry for your loss.
Posted by: westbankmama at February 14, 2007 06:30 AM
A very lovely posting, and beautifully written too.
I have a serendipitous siddur story too. When I was in my early twenties I had a siddur haGra I was very attached to. During my year in EY it disappeared and I forgot about it. Two years later, when I was engaged to my wife, she presented me with my very own siddur, which she had found somewhere in EY during her seminary year. Tell me, what are the odds of finding the lost siddur of the person you will eventually marry?
Posted by: kishke at February 14, 2007 06:59 AM
Dear Karen,
Beautiful!
I remain,
Very Sincerely yours,
Alan D. Busch
Posted by: alan at February 14, 2007 07:59 AM
I must add my voice to those of all the commenters who have told you - and who will tell you - that this story is beautiful.
We have also discovered, on occasion, writing in Timora's handwriting that we hadn't known about. It's like receiving an unexpected - and very meaningful - gift.
May you receive many, many more such messages and gifts.
Posted by: Sara at February 14, 2007 08:40 AM
That is a beautiful story.
Posted by: Jack at February 14, 2007 09:07 AM
Thank you readers for your comments, for reading your sensitive words has brought me additional solace and chizuk. I hesitated about writing this up, feeling it might cross a line of "tzniut" or privacy, but I guess a hidden miracle should be shared. Karen Avrech
Posted by: Karen Avrech at February 14, 2007 09:28 AM
So beautiful, and memorable. These miracles are easy for most of us to miss, it takes great spiritual awareness to see them, sharing is powerfully good. Thank you.
Posted by: Alice Bachini-Smith at February 15, 2007 09:07 AM
Karen,
Thank you so much for sharing those words. I don't know if you realize the affect that these kinds of stories, of day to day life, where one truly sees the Yad Hashem, has on people. Whenever I read anything on the blog I enjoy it and find meaning in it, but this story is truly incredible, you just see how much Hashem is a part of our life and taking care of us. It takes a special person to find comfort and to be "in tune" with such non-coincidental happenings, so thank you and I hope you have a great shabbas!
Posted by: nl at February 15, 2007 03:29 PM
Karen,
Unexpected remembrances can be completely baffling. Sometimes they're all too clear. I wish you only more solace and strength. How you and Robert manage to describe living at the same time with and without Ariel zt"l is, as always, amazing.
It's been over 15 years since my mother passed. It was on this today actually (Feb. 15). I've written very little about her dying and about living since then and remembering. What I have written I've never shown anyone.
From time to time she appears in a dream, sometimes conversing, so when I wake up I have to "get it" once more that she's gone. It's disorienting during the first moments of emerging from sleep. There's a little shock (blink-eyed and vigilant), a little anguish: What to do?... Is there anything to do?... Then even more woeful realizations take over. What was missing from the real time of the real life of the real woman that the dream makes up for? Worse: that the dream -- because it is a dream -- reminds that can't be made up for? Such is "the price of wakefulness".
I can't think of anything earlier in life that would have prepared me for these lingering worries, but I do thank you and Robert for giving some form to yours.
Posted by: Jeremiah at February 15, 2007 05:09 PM
I am sorry for your loss. I knew Ariel at Ner Yisroel and we were of course all saddened at his passing. We weren't paricularly close, but I came to L.A. for a wedding in 2003 and I came to your house with a bunch of guys from the yeshiva to visit him. May his memory be a blessing.
Posted by: Jewboy at February 15, 2007 05:44 PM
May your memories of Ariel continue to be a comfort.
Posted by: Shira Salamone at February 15, 2007 08:47 PM
To Yeled Ivri, The fact that one person who knew Ariel, a person I didn't know, reached through cyberspace to contact me, turned on a flood of tears, but also was another welcome surprise, another affirmation, an unopened present from the son who can only give me gifts through messengers. Thank you.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at February 15, 2007 09:03 PM
To Everyone:
Thank you all so much for your lovely and generous comments. I am just overwhelmed with your response and thank you for your kindness.
Sincerely,
Karen
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at February 15, 2007 10:02 PM