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February 28, 2007
Top 10 Signs I'm More Insecure than Robert
Actually there are 11... I'm too insecure to do just 10.
by Jake Novak
11. Robert is secure enough to just make fun of liberals... I just make fun of everyone and hope nobody takes me seriously.
10. Robert is unafraid to publish all the key emotional details of his courtship with Karen... I'll do the same as soon as my wife legally proves she isn't insane for marrying me.
9. Robert wrote Body Double... I WATCHED "Body Double," or whatever I could see when I wasn't cowering in the theater.
8. Robert is proud to say he is a conservative Republican... I'm too insecure to admit I am the last living member of the Whig Party.
7. Robert uses a combat knife to cut the Challah... I just threaten it a few times, but am too afraid to really do anything to it.
6. Robert occasionally gets his pieces accepted for publication by The Jewish Press... I'm afraid I'll be rejected by the Jewish Press editors as a READER.
5. Robert is unafraid to continue pumping loads of money into Apple... With what I've heard about pesticides, I'm too afraid to eat an apple.
4. Robert went to BTA for high school... When I was in high school I was afraid to get within 6 blocks of the BTA building
3. Robert never misses an episode of 24... I watch "Heroes", but only while clutching my lucky blanky
2. Robert is secure enough to write a lot about Jane Austen and women's dresses... I think Jane Austen is women's tennis star
1. Robert has a Tec-9 to feel safe. I need at least a Tec-10, sometimes a Tec-11
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at February 28, 2007 10:06 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Yay...! Jake rose to the challenge of producing another TOP 10 (11!) list.
There once was a blogger named Jake
Who didn't want us to make the mistake
And think that Robert was worse
Or that Robert was cursed
'Cause his self-esteem just wouldn't "take."
So Jake listed more or less ten
Of those weaknesses that define lesser men
Now that the list has been posted
And Jake's ego publicly roasted
We can all bow our heads and say AMEN!
Posted by: Pearl at February 28, 2007 11:08 AM
Pearl:
I'm too insecure to try poetry... look what it did to Ezra Pound
Posted by: Jake at February 28, 2007 11:10 AM
Great list. But don't be intimidated Jake - in actuality, Robert is a fictional character, written by an unemployed computer programmer.
Posted by: mata hari at February 28, 2007 11:50 AM
Pearl:
How'd you do that so fast and so well?
Sheesh, it takes me 6 weeks to write a dumb script that doesn't even rhyme.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 28, 2007 03:07 PM
Jake:
Ezra pound. I had a friend in college who thought that Ezra Pound was G-d. My friend was Jewish. I pointed out that EP was a Jew hater. My friend snootily informed me that personal matters did not matter with great men.
I punched my friend in the face.
He didn't get it.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at February 28, 2007 03:10 PM
WOW...six whole weeks. How long did it take to write THE DEVIL'S ARITHMETIC? We know how long it took to get it the green light to get be produced and onto the screen.
Thanks for the compliment. You know I love wordplay...and I have fun with limericks...so it's a good match.
Posted by: Pearl at February 28, 2007 03:13 PM
Pearl:
Six weeks to write an outline and a few drafts that lead to the First Draft I give to the Network/Studio. "Devil's Arithmetic" was a bit quicker because... it was blessed.
I have no gift for wordplay except for stuff like:
"Lock and load."
"Check."
"Target acquired?"
"Check."
"Permission to fire?"
"Check."
Boom!
"Target has been eliminated with extreme prejudice."
"Outstanding, let's get a cold one."
"Check."
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at February 28, 2007 03:22 PM
Well, legal insanity is a pretty high bar to meet, so I think that you should get writing. ;-)
Posted by: Fern R at February 28, 2007 05:26 PM
This post caught me off guard (in the best way). Ok, here's why Robert's more secure than I. He hates Norman Mailer without any conflict at all. On the other hand I've spent a long time staring into Norman's abyss.
Posted by: Jeremiah at March 2, 2007 01:07 PM
Jeremiah:
Proudly hate Norman Mailer, Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, the whole rotten bunch of contemporary "Jewish-but-not-really" writers, who drone on and on like the lecherous, know-it-all professor you just dreamed of murdering in high school.
Give me the proudly Southern, non-Jewish, value-centered and hugely talented Tom Wolfe any day of the week.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at March 2, 2007 02:23 PM
Next thing you're going to say, you don't like Karl Marx either!? -:)
Posted by: Jeremiah at March 2, 2007 02:49 PM
Jeremiah:
Guilty. But I do love the Marx Bros. Except for Zeppo. He was really boring, even as a foil.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at March 2, 2007 03:06 PM