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April 17, 2007
The Terrible Truth
For a parent, the most unnatural feeling is outliving your child. One is doomed to a spectral existence.
Now we are witness to an atrocity that thrusts far too many into this cruel state, and leaves so many parents asking the ultimate questions: why this, why my child, how did G-d allow this to happen?
It is impossible for us to view this atrocity dispassionately. Our son, our beloved Ariel Z'TL is forever a memory.
Debates about gun control are, we must admit, simply beyond the point.
We apologize for indulging in side issues.
Karen and I were and are good parents. We shower all our children with love and affection. We raise our children with strong Jewish values. We teach them right from wrong, good from evil, to fear and love G-d.
Yet there are no guarantees.
Ariel Z'TL was struck with cancer. He fought with incredible courage and refused to surrender to self-pity or lazy anger. Karen and I explored every medical avenue; we became expert in chemotherapy, radiation, and diet. Yet in the end we were defeated. Ariel's courage, and his will to live sustained him through many crises, but we ran out of miracles; G-d had a different plan.
We did the best we could, but sometimes we have to face our helplessness. Despite our research, our loving care and devotion, supervising the endless minutae of his medical care, ultimately, we were not in control.
We take comfort in knowing that courage counts, that our son's goodness lives on even after he is physically gone.
There is a very human impulse to fix, well, everything.
An evil man plans mass murder, and people rush forward with instant recipes to fix the problem: less guns, more guns, stricter campus security, and of course, the ultimate panacea: self-esteem classes.
Here's the terrible truth: bad things happen; evil crouches at the door. We cannot make a perfect world. Those who forge utopian societies end up mass murderers: witness communist Russia and the other socialist tyrannies who have engineered genocide on their own citizens.
We are meant to be imperfect.
We are terribly frail men and women.
We live , we rejoice, we suffer — and we endure.
Faced with the death of a child, of all children, we must admit: there are no easy answers.
These verses from Ariel's annotated copy of the Book of Isaiah, Chapter 45:
7. I form light and create darkness,
I make peace and create evil,
I am G-d, I do all these things.
9. Woe to the man who strives with his maker,
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth.
Shall the clay say to him that fashions it,
“What are you making?”
Or shall it say
“Your work has no place?”
10. Woe to the man who says to his father,
“Why have you conceived me?”
or to his mother
“Why did you bear me?”
15. Surely, You are a G-d who hides,
the G-d of Israel,
the One who saves.
May G-d comfort the families of those who were slain at Virginia Tech.
May G-d blot out the name and memory of the evil killer.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at April 17, 2007 03:02 PM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
I am ashamed.
Forgive me for being slow, but I don't understand why you would be ashamed. Based upon all that I know about you and Karen (limited to the interaction here)there is nothing to indicate that you have done anything that would merit that.
From what I can see you provided and continue to provide the kind of home that all children should have. A place where they receive guidance and instruction in all things, including values.
I have grown accustomed to self-deprecating comments about yourself, but this time you do yourself wrong.
Posted by: Jack at April 17, 2007 05:15 PM
Jack:
I should not have written about gun control. Not at this time.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at April 17, 2007 05:21 PM
Heroes make us better. Heroes inspire.
We don't have to be good enough. Heroes are most forgiving.
Posted by: SC&A at April 17, 2007 07:21 PM
SC& A:
You describe Ariel — and others — just beautifully. Thanks so much.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 17, 2007 07:36 PM
This is such a deep and powerful post. So haunting and sad, yet written so beautifully. Thank you.
Posted by: kishke at April 17, 2007 07:40 PM
Robert, I agree with every word of this deeply moving post, with one exception.
Your "shame" at indulging in side-issues is misplaced. One of the most human instincts when faced with great pain is to push it away by distracting ourselves with minor issues, major issues, anything to keep it at bay. One of my own great challenges as a bereaved mother is to allow myself to feel my pain, because not doing so in the long term numbs me to other emotions as well. But in the short term, this dissociation protects us, and sometimes we need that protection.
For you, Karen, me and others like us, hearing about this atrocity/tragedy (public atrocity and private tragedy for each grief-stricken parent) throws us back to our own helplessness to protect our own children from pain and worse. Only people like us know the depths of a parent's sorrow at losing her or his child. So it's not surprising that our initial reaction distances us somewhat from that sorrow. We need to be easy on ourselves for this.
Baruch Dayan Emet.
Posted by: Sara at April 17, 2007 11:48 PM
A beautiful, moving post. Thank you.
Posted by: ezer knegdo at April 18, 2007 05:21 AM
Robert: You speak, so eloquently and movingly, for all of us in the horrible "club" that should never gain another member. I can't add another word, except thanks.
Posted by: Elie at April 18, 2007 06:06 AM
Kishke:
Thanks so much. Have not heard from you in a while. Hope all is well and that you and yours had a lovely Pesach.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 18, 2007 05:42 PM
Sara:
You should be a therapist or a social worker, anybody ever tell you that? Thanks so much.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 18, 2007 05:44 PM
Ezer:
Thanks so much. Good to hear from you.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 18, 2007 05:45 PM
Elie:
What can we say that you do not already know? Karen and I are deeply honored and moved that you find comfort in our words.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 18, 2007 05:47 PM
Hi Robert. B"H all's well; I'm just overburdened with work and so w/o much time to post. But I'm a confirmed lurker here!
Posted by: kishke at April 18, 2007 10:46 PM
Kishke:
Thanks for letting us know. We were getting a bit worried. Glad to hear you are so busy. Lurk away.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at April 19, 2007 12:19 AM