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May 09, 2007
Robert: Not Too Normal
“I guess you noticed, I came home a little later than usual."
“I thought so."
Karen and I are sitting at the Shabbos table—twenty minutes late.
“Sorry.”
“What happened?”
“Should I tell you before or after Kiddush?”
“Before. I can't stand the suspense.”
FLASHBACK:
Twenty minutes earlier.
EXTERIOR. SYNAGOGUE - NIGHT
Robert exits synagogue, says Good Shabbos to various congregants, and walks down Pico Boulevard, on his way home.
Suddenly, from behind:
Persian Guy: Mr. Avrech?
Robert turns around.
Robert, (voice-over): Oh no, don't tell me my Persian buddy wants to talk about his Apple stock on Shabbos?
Persian Guy walks up, does NOT extend his hand in a Good Shabbos greeting.
Robert: Good Shabbos.
Persian Guy nods and gives a modified bow. Robert notices that Persian Guy looks quite distressed. Something is wrong.
Persian Guy: I wanted to tell you that I am reading of your web-site.
Robert: Oh, that's great. What have you been reading?
Persian Guy: I read the How I Married Karen writing.
Robert gets all puffed up with pride. He just knows that compliments will come rolling in.
Persian Guy: I have to tell you, Mr. Avrech, I am very distur-bed.
Robert: Huh?
Persian Guy: It is not right for you to be in love with a little girl. Kareeen is just 10-years old and you are an adult age man and, and —
Persian Guy is sputtering in barely contained fury.
Persian Guy: It is just wrong.
Robert, (voice-over): Oh my gosh, Persian Guy's reading comprehension is on a second grade level.
Persian Guy: How can you do this!?
Robert: Wait, wait, hold on. You don't understand. I was a child too.
Persian Guy stares at Robert. For a long, long moment.
Robert: Are you getting this? I was ten-years old when I fell in love with Karen. We went to grade school together. We were both little children.
Persian Guy frowns, deeply confused.
Persian Guy: You were not an adult?
Robert: Noooooo!
Persian Guy: Ohhhhhh. I begin to understand.
His head bobs up and down like it's on a spring. He's taking in this new information very… very… slowly. The puzzlement gradually leaks from his eyes. Finally:
Persian Guy: But Mr. Avrech, is it really normal to fall in love when you are 10-year old?
END FLASHBACK:
Resume Robert & Karen at the Shabbos table:
“He thought you were a pedophile."
“Yup.”
Karen slaps the table, throws back her head and laughs.
“Funny, big funny.”
“I think he's got some cognitive problems.”
“Of course, now he just thinks I'm not too normal.”
“Robert, look on the bright side.”
“Which is?”
“Not too normal is much better than being a pedophile.”
I chant the Shabbos Kiddush and then sing the Eishet Chayil , and more than ever feel every single word at my very core:
An accomplished woman, who can find? Her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband's heart relies on her and he shall lack no fortune.
She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax, and works with her hands willingly.
She is like the merchant ships, she brings her bread from afar.
She arises while it is still night, and gives food to her household and a portion to her maidservants.
She plans for a field, and buys it. With the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins in strength, and makes her arms strong.
She knows that her merchandise is good. Her candle does not go out at night.
She sets her hands to the distaff, and holds the spindle in her hands.
She extends her hands to the poor, and reaches out her hand to the needy.
She fears not for her household because of snow, because her whole household is warmly dressed.
She makes covers for herself, her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known at the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes a cloak and sells it, and she delivers aprons to the merchant.
Strength and honor are her clothing, she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the lesson of kindness is on her tongue.
She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise and praise her, her husband lauds her.
Many women have done worthily, but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 08:21 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Am I the only one who got a chuckle out of this. Very nice.
Posted by: Jack at May 9, 2007 09:58 AM
Lucky he came over to you, and didn't just spread the word behind your back!
Posted by: kishke at May 9, 2007 10:00 AM
Jack:
Karen got a huge laugh.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at May 9, 2007 10:11 AM
Kishke:
Do you know how many relatives Persian Guy has in LA? I have a feeling my name is mud in the Persian Community.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 10:12 AM
Dear Robert,
Funny that!
Alan
p.s. thankfully he sought you out for clarifications. hopefully he understood.
Posted by: alan at May 9, 2007 10:38 AM
Of course it's possible that his reading comprehension in Farsi is somewhat better...
Posted by: ralphie at May 9, 2007 10:48 AM
Alan:
Hilarious. Sorta. I am glad my Persian buddy talked to me before reporting me to Social Services.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 10:59 AM
Ralphie:
Maybe I should put out a Farsi version of Seraphic Secret.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 11:00 AM
If your Persian friend reads this blog, then aren't you worried that he'll read this post?
Posted by: Fern at May 9, 2007 11:31 AM
Fern, Robert's probably hoping he'll read this post.
Posted by: kishke at May 9, 2007 11:37 AM
Fern, Kishke:
Checked it out with him. He's delighted. "You mean now I famous?"
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 11:46 AM
Robert,
At least it wasn't someone who was shocked, shocked to discover from reading your website that you are a Jew.
All the best.
Posted by: Kent at May 9, 2007 12:17 PM
Am I the ONLY one who STOPPED at "I got held up after shul." I'm very literal, Robert, if you haven't yet figured that out. :P
So glad you were "detained" and not "held up"!
Another great Avrech slice-of-life piece.
Posted by: pearl at May 9, 2007 12:30 PM
Mayor Villaraigosa is considering passing "Avrech's Law" which forbids all Angelinos from living near 10 year olds they used to be in love with 40 years ago. (This law actually makes more sense that most of the other rules on the books).
Posted by: Jake at May 9, 2007 12:35 PM
Kent:
Thank G-d for small favors.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 01:25 PM
Pearl:
Detained is an SAT word. Besides, I might have been mugged, but probably not. I leave it to your imagination as to why.
Slice-of-life piece...
You know, when I write these scenes up I say to myself: My life is really not normal.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 01:30 PM
Jake:
You are the only person who knows how to spell our Mayor's name. I usually just write: Our Communist Mayor.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 01:33 PM
When Jake told me about this post, I simply had to read it for myself! Well, when we meet in NY or LA some time, you may still meet our four-year-old daughter. Just don't fall in love with her, okay?!
Posted by: Mrs. Jake at May 9, 2007 04:22 PM
King Solomon,the author of the Aishet Chayel (Woman of Valor) was very wise. I guess that's how he kept 1,000 wives happy. (The gold didn't hurt either.) The Aishet Chayel was guaranteed to be a suitable elegy to women because it is written as an acrostic in alphabetical order, which is lost in the translation. A most appropriate entry as Mother's Day approaches.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at May 9, 2007 05:22 PM
Mrs. Jake:
Do not worry. I am still in love with the 10-year old Karen. I know, I know: not too normal.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 05:39 PM
I'm not laughing. Check your user stats to see what searches people used to get to your site and consider handing over anything suspicious to the police.
Posted by: Solomon2 at May 9, 2007 05:40 PM
Solomon:
I think the FBI's at my front door :)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 9, 2007 05:54 PM
Do not worry. I am still in love with the 10-year old Karen
Why? What is wrong with the grown up Karen. ;) Just kidding.
Posted by: Jack at May 9, 2007 07:42 PM
Haha! But what's going to happen when he reads THIS post?! :)
Posted by: Ezzie at May 9, 2007 07:46 PM
Too funny, Robert! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Melissa at May 10, 2007 10:45 AM
Jake:
I'm in love with both Karen in all time zones: past, present and future:)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 10, 2007 11:01 AM
Ezzie:
I'll find out this Shabbos.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 10, 2007 11:02 AM
Melissa:
You're welcome. Glad you enjoy my not too normal life.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at May 10, 2007 11:02 AM