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October 12, 2007
Shut-up, Shut-up, Shut-up!
“What seems to be the problem?”
“The spinning soccer ball is showing up way too often, and the computer is just generally sluggish.”
“Okay, open her up, let me take a look.”
I'm sitting at the Genius Bar of the Apple Store. My life depends on my Powerbook and I'm worried that maybe some sectors of the Apple OSX system have been corrupted—maybe I'm headed for a crash.
Sitting right next to me is an attractive young woman with iPod problems. She's got a tattoo on one ankle, a blood-red rose, and on her shoulder there's some kind of elegant Asian lettering—probably Japanese—Gothic red outlined in black. Her hair is Gene Harlow white-blond and she's got one too many piercings in her ears and one in her nose. I wonder if it hurts when she sneezes.
Where are her parents?
Anyway, I flip open my Powerbook, terrified that the genius is going to diagnose some kind of terminal mother board problem.
The logo for Seraphic Secret is visible for a few seconds.
“Hey, I read Seraphic Secret.”
It's the young lady with the tattoos, with the nose ring, with the white blond hair.
"You read Seraphic Secret?”
My readership never ceases to astound.
“I love Seraphic Secret. You read it too?”
“I write Seraphic Secret.”
She stares at me for a long moment, then, really loudly:
“Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up!"
I immediately shut up.
“You're Robert?”
I nod.
She frantically looks around.
“Where's Karen, where is Karen? I gotta meet Karen.”
“She's in her yoga class.”
“Shut-up!”
The Genius says: “People, I need to interrupt. I think OSX is corrupted, we can archive and reinstall. Is all your data backed up?”
“Uh-huh.
“It'll take about ten to fifteen minutes.”
The young lady says: “I'm like so dying to meet Karen. I just love when you write about how you fell in love with her when you were 10 years old. S'that really true?”
“Absolutely.”
“Wow. Did Karen think you were like weird when you finally told her how long you were in love with her?”
“I waited until she got to know me.”
“Smart. Otherwise she might think you're like some crazed stalker.”
“I was always socially appropriate.”
“This is so great. Now I've finally got something to talk about in therapy. Enough that my father didn't pay enough attention to me, enough with my mother who was like totally overbearing. You know how tired that gets?”
“I imagine it gets repetitive.”
“You must think I'm such a ditz.”
“Not at all.”
“Are you gonna write about me?”
“Would you like me to?”
“Well, hellooo!”
“Okey-doke.”
“Thing is, I usually dress much better. Look at me, I'm wearing my clod-hopper shoes.”
She extends her leg. Yup, she's wearing dopey sneakers with graffiti inscribed on the canvas.
“Y'see, I read your blog, I remember when you wrote about the costume designer who said that he could tell everything about a woman by her footwear.”
“Well, him, not me.”
“Oh, right. You watch What Not to Wear. You even give fashion advice to Karen. I should have worn heels. Now I really have something to talk about with my shrink. I'm like completely humiliated. Hey, Bloomingdale's is right there, we can bop on over and you can help me pick out some outfits. ”
“Um...”
“Sorry, sorry. I'm kind of hyper. I guess you can tell.”
“You're enthusiastic. That's a good quality.”
“Shut-up. That's like totally adorable. I knew you were, just reading your blog. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
"Remember when you wrote about how you wanted to fight for Karen, how you wanted to enter the lists and clash swords for Karen, fight a gunfight for Karen?”
“Um, not really.”
“Take my word for it, that's what you wrote. I read it like a thousand times. I was like: where do I find a man like that?”
“It's a problem.”
“Anyway, here's what I want to know: what's happened to men? They're like all pussified—excuse my language—they're so sensitive they're barely men. Look around the store: half the guys in here are wearing more jewelry than I am, and that guy over there—”
She points to a man who looks sleek as an Italian sports car.
“Metrosexual. Uh-huh. That's like code for gay, right?”
I say nothing.
“Wisdom, wisdom, I need some wisdom in my life.”
“Did it ever occur to you that the way you dress and display yourself attracts a certain kind of man?”
“Oh-oh.”
“Look, I don't know you. I'll shut-up.”
“No, I wanna hear.”
“The ink, the dye job, the piercings, they present an image. A face to meet a face, so to speak. I'll be honest, I saw you before you spoke to me and I was put off by how you looked.”
“Y'see, I should have worn my Jimmy Choo's.”
“Look, you have to ask yourself, what kind of men are going to be attracted to you; but even more important, what kind of men are not going to be drawn to you?”
“Oh, wow.”
“Sorry.”
“It's cool.”
“I feel terrible.”
“The tats? What can I tell you, I thought it was cool. I was with this guy and blah, blah, blah. He's history. I actually hate them now. And my piercings?”
She shrugs.
“You really thought I was weird?”
”I wondered if it hurt when you sneezed.”
She laughs: “Slight vibration. Just kidding.”
The Genius comes over and hands the young lady her iPod. All fixed.
“How come my shrink never told me any of this stuff?”
“He's non-judgemental and you pay him by the hour.”
“Oh man, don't even ask how many hours.”
“You'll be fine. You know G-d created the heavens and the earth, man and woman, and all the creatures in seven days. You know what he did afterwards?”
She shakes her head.
“He saved the hardest job for last. G-d made all the matches between men and women that would ever take place. It was much harder than the work of creation.”
“I don't remember that from the Bible.”
"It's Midrash, Biblical legend.”
“Coolness.”
She gathers up her iPod, stows it in her incredibly heavy shoulder bag, slips off the stool.
”I gotta bounce. This has been like fab-u-lous. Just one thing. Stop writing so much about politics. Jeez, I wish the Israelis would just bomb those Arabs back to the stone age already so you'd concentrate on writing about how you married Karen.
Hmm, never quite thought about the Arab/Israeli conflict in those terms.
“Love to Karen.”
The young lady walks out of the Apple store.
The Genius checks my Powerbook, nods, satisfied with the progress of the install program and says to me:
“Dude, I gotta start me a blog like yours. Awesome chick magnet.”
Karen and I wish all our friends a lovely and profound Shabbat.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 11:17 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
What a great story/encounter. See, Robert, blogging has made the very private person that you are become a public figure -- bet you weren't expecting that!
I guess appearances can be deceiving in many ways. This woman you never would have guessed to be a Seraphic Secret fan and avid follower stores in her memory the info you write about, the tales you tell. "Seraphic Secret" also is deceiving; the name conjures up angels and a peaceful hush on the world, but contrary to that image, your blog is your podium for your declarations of love, of pain, and of politics...not necessary in that order!
Wishing you and Karen a calm and peaceful Shabbos.
Posted by: Pearl at October 12, 2007 01:18 PM
This is too good to be true...sure it's not a screenplay you were working on?
Posted by: david foster at October 12, 2007 01:50 PM
Pearl:
I'm the first to admit that I judge people, at first, on how they dress and present themselves in public. There's nothing wrong with this. People make statements with their clothing.
But sometimes they are at odds with their own uniforms and they don't even know it.
An amazing encounter.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at October 12, 2007 02:15 PM
David:
Nope, not a script. I wish my scripts were so much fun. Just another day in my life. Believe me, I was shaking my head the entire time thinking: nobody is going to believe this.
But then I say that every morning when I wake up and realize that Karen married and stayed with me.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 02:18 PM
How cool!
Last Saturday night my wife and I went to a Bar Mitzvah for the son of one of my colleagues. There's a disco DJ and non-Kosher food. We're the only orthodox people there.
I see this guy out of the corner of my eye and he's looking at me. After a split second delay I look back at him, thinking, "where do I know him from," but then I realize I don't.
As we're leaving he comes up to me.
"You don't know me. I just want to tell you I love your blog."
As my wife is standing next to me and I don't really know how to react to that in a way that won't get me into deep doo doo, I smile lamely and say, "Thanks."
My wife gives me one of those "not again" looks and crosses her arms.
"Yeah, I read it all the time. It's really well-written."
A brief pause.
"Are you sure you're talking about MY blog?"
"You're psychotoddler, right? I recognized you from the picture. I'm a lurker. Keep writing! I love your stuff. You know what they say, once it's on the internet it's there forever!"
Just what my wife needed to hear.
Posted by: psychotoddler at October 12, 2007 02:22 PM
Psychotoddler:
Wonderful. Yasher Koach. You deserve the recognition. BTW, did your reader ask you for fashion advice?
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 02:27 PM
That is so cool. What a great story, Robert!
I would be thrilled to meet you and Karen in person too.
Have a wonderful Shabbat.
Posted by: Dr. Carol at October 12, 2007 02:29 PM
Considering what I looked like after a 3 day yontiff, I should hope not.
Posted by: psychotoddler at October 12, 2007 02:31 PM
This one made me smile.
Good Shabbos Robert, Karen and Apple Store Chick!
Posted by: Fern at October 12, 2007 02:43 PM
Hi there Robert,
I loved this story. Great visuals! Sorry I've been a stranger but my baby has been lovingly occupying most of my time. I hope you have a great Shabbos!
all the best,
Rachel :)
Posted by: Rachel at October 12, 2007 02:50 PM
Dr. Carol:
We too would love to meet you.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 03:26 PM
Psychotoddler:
Right, got the image. Have a great Shabbos.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 03:28 PM
Fern:
Glad we could make you smile. Have a great Shabbos.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 03:30 PM
Rachel:
Great to hear from you. And give baby a hug and kiss from us.
Have a lovely and restful Shabbos:)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 03:34 PM
That's it...
Im chucking my Windows computer and buying Apple. ;)
Robert and Karen....Have a wonderful Shabbos!!
Posted by: Lance at October 12, 2007 04:38 PM
Lance:
The Apple retail stores are incredible places to meet people. I see it all the time. The atmosphere is fun and relaxed, maybe too relaxed, one too many dogs for my taste, but okay. Anyway, people are always chatting with each other, trading Apple tips, etc. It's sort of an ultra cool techie singles bar without liquor, and a lot more wholesome.
Have a lovely Shabbos.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 12, 2007 05:11 PM
I love this girl and I love this post! I'm not sure if it was her honesty, her enthusiasm or the sheer beauty of one being genuine. What a rarity and what a divine gift that this moment in both your lives took place. The small things are indeed, the big. Thank you so much for posting this, Robert.
p.s. I wish she could indeed meet Karen and be as inspired by her as you have been all these years. And years from now, after the tats are gone, after the piercings become less and less and after true love finds her, she'll forever remember that 'someone' took the time to simply be kind and gracious.
Posted by: Dana at October 12, 2007 05:44 PM
I think the younger demographic group of women (anyone under 30 basically) are good people generally: often rather more down to earth and sensible than the generation before tham (that would be, er, my generation). However, they have this weird penchant for body piercing. I don't know why, exactly. It rather makes me shudder.
Posted by: Michael Jennings at October 12, 2007 08:44 PM
Haha! Great story.
I think you found a "gem in the rough".
Who knows? Perhaps your fatherly advice will cause her to shine.
Posted by: pdwalker at October 12, 2007 10:49 PM
Robert...what a great story...I hope she will comment on this post...would be fun to hear her perspective.
Maybe she would like to go shooting with you :)
Posted by: cruisin-mom at October 13, 2007 10:42 AM
Cute post. I especially loved this piece....she said shut up, shut up, shut up....I immediately shut up.
Great line!
It's interesting how you write that you immediately judge people by their outward appearance, and feel no need to apologize for it. So many people argue that it's wrong to judge them by the way they dress - although I feel that that's being unrealistic.
Anyway...seems like this blog is making you more of a well known celebrity than the Hollyword screenplays. Go know!
MH
Posted by: mata hari at October 13, 2007 07:41 PM
There is a line in this that reminds me of how much the world has changed:
Sitting right next to me is an attractive young woman with iPod problems.
Just imagine if you had been marooned on a desert island for the last five years and had suddenly been rescued. You'd scratch your head for hours trying to figure out what iPod problems are.
Posted by: Jack at October 13, 2007 10:36 PM
"I was always socially appropriate."
i thought that was karen's role in the relationship
"Dude, I gotta start me a blog like yours. Awesome chick magnet."
i guess he liked her appearance. did you make a shidduch?
shavuah tov
Posted by: mo'ah kemo ephro'ah at October 14, 2007 12:24 AM
This is definitely one of the more interesting blog-related encounters.. :)
I wonder who I'll attract with my MacBook when I go to the Apple Store...
Surprises await.
Posted by: tnspr569 at October 14, 2007 04:50 PM
"Awesome chick magnet."
I gotta remember that the next time my wife asks me what's so important about blogging.
:-)
Posted by: soccerdad at October 15, 2007 06:32 AM
how come you take the "o" out of "God"?
Posted by: Evelyn at October 15, 2007 08:31 AM
Evelyn:
It's a sign of respect, not using His full name. A carry-over from the Jewish tradition when writing in Hebrew.
Thanks so much for asking.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at October 15, 2007 09:13 AM
Robert, you're my hero.
Apple Store Young Lady: Please de-lurk and tell us your version of the story. There needs to be a second act in which you become a regular commenter. The end of the story, is of course, that you become very religious, another Seraphic Secret regular introduces you to a great guy, you get married, and live happily ever after.
Posted by: Albert at October 15, 2007 11:30 AM
The BEST posting! Will be laughing all week.
Consider creating a link of SERAPHIC CLASSICS.
This one is CLASSIC!
Posted by: Yael at October 15, 2007 05:36 PM
As with the rest of your guests, I am strangely enamored by your encounter. It was delightful.
As a former long haired hippie freak, I have always been reluctant to impose my views of how bizarre this current generation of conformists look to me.
I figure - hey, I was like them once, just without the piercings; tattoos; and massive sexual innuendo.
However, Robert, you have given me new inspiration to actually voice my opinion (under appropriate circumstances) regarding your idea that this might not be the image they want to project if they want anyone to take them seriously...
Come to think of it, I have judiciously commented a few times to young men with the hat/bandanna; strange shirt; baggy pants thing going on. My comments that they look just like everyone else conforming to what "the Man" wants them to look like have tended to make them think... for a split second anyway...
Nice encounter, Robert.
Posted by: Moishe3rd at October 15, 2007 08:12 PM