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January 27, 2008

Learning From Ariel

Karen writes: The fifth anniversary of Ariel’s (A”H) petirah, is coming upon us. The word “anniversary” seems inappropriate, since it connotes celebration, a kind of renewal. The measure of time is irrelevant for me in any case.

As I’ve written countless times before, the more time passes, the deeper my pain, the more I ache for my son. There is a concept in psychology called “habituation.” It relates to the diminishment over time of the power of a stimulus to evoke a response. There is no habituation occurring in my case.

In fact, the opposite is true. Pictures and mementos have become more evocative, more upsetting, more capable of unleashing the memory of the reality that was Ariel.

An example: Ariel’s pictures are all over our house. One favorite rests on my kitchen counter. I pass it innumerable times each day. In the picture I am embracing him at the end of a visit to Ner Yisroel, his yeshiva in Baltimore.

Recently, this picture triggers a sharp pain each time I see it. I am starting to avert my eyes.

Even the habitual sight of Ariel’s image on Seraphic Secret, an image I have seen hundreds of times with immunity, now sends my stomach into somersaults. When I meet Ariel’s eyes, they are looking right at me, they are more familiar. I wonder, how could I have been so cold?

The searing emptiness is more tangible as time peels off the protective layers of my psyche. I find myself crying more, mouthing the words, “Ariel, speak to me,” “Ariel, I miss you.”

Seraphic Secret was established as a platform for memorializing Ariel, and for that reason was named after the Seraphim (angels, like the angel Ariel) who proclaim the glory of G-d as they surround the Merkavah—the heavenly chariot.

The passage is a play on words from the liturgy of the Musaf Kedusha of Shabbos, “K'sod (secret) Siach Sarfai Kodesh.” In the prayer we are imitating the angels who praise god with a chorus of sanctified secret names.

Our hope was that we could convey the essence of who Ariel was, and that he too, through some secret, hidden manner, could send messages to us that his neshama lives on, whispers that would echo his voice and subtle lights that would illumine his soul to others.

As if to answer my prayers, I was granted a new glimpse of Ariel through the eyes of a friend who just entered our lives. Each time an acquaintance relates his experience of knowing Ariel it is a reaffirmation of his life.

The story confirms that yes, Ariel did exist, yes, my perceptions of him were accurate, yes, he was so special. Hearing another person’s point of view also extends Ariel’s life for me. I can imagine these interactions, and Ariel is alive again, a fresh chapter added to my memories.

Yosef Saltzman, a former student at Ner Yisroel, is engaged to a wonderful young lady in our community. She is a family friend, and a true Baalas Chesed, charitable young woman, who has, thank G-d, met her Bashert. Yosef spontaneously composed an essay recounting his impressions of Ariel, offering his thoughts to us in his sensitivity to our yearning for news of our son.

*******

All of the rabbinic fast days have something to do with the destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh in particular, but in a general sense, they all revolve around the connection to the meaning and purpose of life that is service of Hashem. When we reflect on the loss of the Temple and the special Divine presence, the Shechina, that left us upon its destruction, this realization is meant to propel us forward in our day-to-day efforts to become better people and come closer to Hashem. So on the day of introspection I try to find inspiration. I try to address the questions, “Who are you?” and “Where are you going?” Thoughts like these compel me to take out time to write about Ariel Avrech, zichrono livracha.

Through the grace of G-d, I recently became engaged to Deborah Abraham. She lives, with her family, in the same area the Avrechs live, and both families daven at the Young Israel of Century City. Deborah told me that her family became close to the Avrechs through the families' shared experiences. So since I feel, on some level, that I am already part of the Abraham family, by extension I also feel more deeply connected to the Avrech family. This has also driven me to think more about Ariel.

The third factor that rekindled the glowing image of Ariel within me was meeting Ariel's father at our engagement party. After having spent time in Pico for Shabbosos, I had already learned a lot about the playing field where Ariel grew up as a young boy. But in the few minutes I spoke to Ariel's father, I could already get a better appreciation of where his gentle, sensitive soul came from, as I saw the resemblance between father and son.

The fourth thing to arouse memories of Ariel in my heart was reading about him. I remember reading A Father, a Son, a Tzadik, written by Ariel's father nearly a year after Ariel's passing. I had seen this article posted on the wall in the hallway of Ner Yisroel, and I was so moved that I took it down and made a couple copies for myself before I taped it back on the wall. A few years have passed since reading that first article, and I recently noticed The Book of Ariel, a collection of moving pieces written about Ariel, in the Abraham's living room. Reading the pieces in this memorial book, like the article by Ariel's father, nearly led me to cry. So although I didn't write anything about Ariel when this holy book was put together a few years ago, I figure it's never too late to write about my own appreciation of this precious person.

Ariel left this world more than four years ago, in July 2003. At the time, I was learning in the Mir Yeshiva in Jerusalem. I had left Ner Yisroel a year earlier, in July 2002, so I didn't see Ariel's gradual decline. The last time I saw him was in yeshiva in Baltimore, and he looked and sounded the same way he always did to me.

I didn't really have any contact with Ariel since I saw him in Ner Yisroel. The last time I really felt connected to him was when I went on a special trip to the Kotel, The Western Wall, with a group of eleven other Ner Yisroel students, to daven and say Tehillim, Psalms, on behalf of our dear friend. We were all learning then at different yehsivos in Jerusalem, and we went specially, at an unusual time, because we had been told that Ariel needed our prayers so badly.

Ariel and I were never chavrusas ( study partners) or roommates. We were not in the same shiur, nor were we the same age, and we didn't even play ball together. But I still felt a special bond with Ariel. We both loved learning Torah and loved other people. We both grew up going to Modern Orthodox schools and then convinced our parents to allow us to go to yeshiva. We both learned in Ner Yisroel for four years. Ner Yisroel has boys from many different types of religious, social, and economic backgrounds, and I always liked to meet all the different types of "bochurim" in the yeshiva, so if I didn't get to know them in any other context, I would meet them in the dining room forum.

I always liked talking to Ariel, and the dining room was where we used to talk. I remember he told me how his father was involved in making movies in Hollywood, and I thought this was the coolest thing ever. I had never before met such a serious yeshiva bochur whose father worked in the movie industry. I had never met someone who on the one hand was of the highest caliber in terms of dedication, seriousness, and commitment to Torah learning and growth, but on the other hand was worldly (in a Hollywood sense), and deeply interested in literature, science, and things like cartoons.

I had heard that Ariel had some sort of illness, but I had no idea of its severity. Ariel was a regular, perfectly integrated guy. He learned, davened, and ate with everyone else. He even went to college, and I remember discussing with him the different "career paths" that he was considering. It's to his parents' credit that they treated him like everyone else and encouraged him to be completely integrated with the yeshiva's program.

Ariel was adele, (Yiddish: refined) and sensitive, but he was also assertive and had his opinions about things. He may have been slow in expressing himself, but he was quick in his thinking. Although he sometimes came across as being "slow" in his speech and general demeanor, he was truly a very smart boy. He wasn't the type who had an interest in being "cool;" he was just too mature for that. Ariel was happy with himself and with the lot that Hashem had given him.

Ariel grew up in a city in which many people are steeped in the pursuit of fame, fortune, and fantasy, probably more so than any American city, yet Ariel only wanted to be a true Torah scholar. Always serious and focused on the Torah that he loved learning, although he knew he was suffering, it didn't seem to deter him.

In his hesped, Ariel's father quoted his son as saying, “The years of illness have taught me the value of time—how precious it is. How foolish to waste even a moment.” These words have been ringing in my ears ever since I read the hesped. Ariel taught us this on a daily basis. He taught us, by example, that life has deep meaning, G-d is real, Torah is real and deserves our full effort, and every minute can be used in some way to proclaim the glory of G-d.

In her hesped, Ariel's mother made mentions of “complexities” in Ariel's personality. In a similar vein, in his hesped, Ariel's father contrasts Ariel's Torah interest with his secular interests. I think Ariel believed everything in the world is part of G-d's oneness. Hashem is One, and there are a million things in life that could distract us from our recognition of His Oneness. Ariel's emuna was such that he saw everything in the world could, and should, be used to uncover the presence of Hashem that is concealed in our world.

On the rabbinic fast days, we think about uncovering and revealing the hidden presence of Hashem. We stop to think how we can make Him a more essential part of our lives and how we can connect to the deeper meaning of life. We try to look beyond the superficialities that the society surrounding us teaches us to value.

Ariel was a person who had strong emuna in Hashem, who walked with Hashem, and yearned for His closeness. Ariel saw beyond the transient pleasures of this world. Through his serious pursuit of Torah knowledge and his diligent observance of mitzvos, he was connected to the eternal world.

There are different ways someone can teach you something. Normally, we think of a teacher as one who speaks to us and communicates verbally. Sometimes a person can teach by way of example, assuming the observer has a real interest to learn. But perhaps the deepest, most sublime way of teaching is when the memory of the person teaches. Our Rabbis say that Yosef saw the image of his father's face, and this kept him from sinning. I still have the image of Ariel etched in my mind.

When I think of Ariel and his passion for Torah life, a chord is struck in my heart. Every time I ponder the way Ariel lived his life, I am inspired to reach higher. I am inspired to focus on what's real and what's most important in life. When I stop to remember who Ariel was and the kind of life he lived, I hear his voice gently telling all of us to use every second of our short lives in a way that will enable us to live life to the fullest.

— Yosef Saltzman

Posted by Robert J. Avrech at January 27, 2008 07:00 PM

Comments

Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.

1. No profanity.

2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism.

That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.

Posted by: Evan at January 28, 2008 03:49 AM

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