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July 11, 2008
Mina Avrech Z'L
My mother, Mina K. Avrech, at about the time she met my father.
The yahrtzeit of my beloved mother, Mirka bat David A'H, will be observed starting tonight and continue until Shabbos evening.
The date corresponds to the 9th of Tammuz on the Jewish calendar.
But today, July 11 is also the date she passed away in 1989. My mother was just 65-years old; too young, too young.
A few minutes ago, I spoke with my sister Caron and she said to me: “I've been thinking about mommy all day. It's hard.”
Several years ago, I used almost the same words when talking about Ariel ZT'L in conversation with a wise Rebbe.
This Rebbe looked me in the eye and said: “It's supposed to be hard.”
Indeed.
I detest it when well-meaning people speak of “closure” in dealing with grief, as if the death of a beloved family member can be safely tucked away in some warm, fuzzy cabinet.
There is no closure, there is only the realization that life is unfair, that death comes like a monster when you least expect it, and ultimately the only thing that keeps us alive in the dreadful aftermath are memories.
Memories keep love alive, and only love can defeat death.
For as time passes, the lacerating images of illness and death are replaced by other memories—normal, glorious life as it was lived—and gradually the unbearable becomes bearable.
My mother was a unique woman of her time. She was raised in a strictly kosher home—my grandmother Channa Gittel Z'L was ferociously Jewish—but my mother, her five sisters and brothers, were not ritually observant.
And so, when my mother married my father she became a Ba'alat Teshuva, before the concept was widespread, admired and respected.
I'm afraid my mother was never given credit nor proper support for this gutsy decision.
As you can see from the pictures, my mother had that Barbara Stanwyck thing going on, with a healthy dose of Rita Hayworth thrown in, due to her lustrous auburn hair.
My father fell for my mother—hard.
During shiva for my mother, my father told me that after their very first date he called his cousin Sam Weber, who had set them up, and said: “I'm going to marry that girl.”
Thus my model for true love.
Mina and Abraham Avrech, wedding day, 1943
May the neshama of Mirka bat David have an aliyah
Karen and I wish all our friends a serene and meaningful Shabbat.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at July 11, 2008 01:29 PM
Comments
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Robert,
I only know too well about the sentiments you express.
A day doesnt go bye that I dont think about my Mom and Dad.
May your Mom's neshama be granted an aliyah.
Shabbat Shalom.
Posted by: Lance at July 11, 2008 03:11 PM
No doubt your mom was a very special lady; I'm thinking and remembering your father's YU essay as a point of reference.
I think a personal essay about her -- and exactly what you said about her being a forerunner in the baal teshuva movement -- would find a good home in the Jewish Press :)
May your dear mom's neshama have an aliyah.
Good Shabbos.
Posted by: Pearl at July 11, 2008 04:03 PM
My wonderful sister of Blessed Memory is remembered each day that I am home since I keep a picture of her on the bookcase in my bedroom. She, together with my sainted Mother, were the greatest influences in my life. She was a beautiful and brilliant woman who HASHEM took away from us much, much too early.
She was truly the Aishes Chael, the one that beautiful poetry was written for. She was a perfectionist in everything she did and helped others to strive for perfection. She was a marvelous and hard working daughter who kept our house a showplace and she was without doubt my mother's favorite child. An unspoken thought, but we all knew that with her around every detail necessary for our well-being would be attended to.
She was a friend without equal and a brilliant teacher both professionally and to me who was
six years younger and always had much to learn.
Her role as a the Rabbi's wife was always exemplary and she was an outstanding hostess in a home surrounded by the beautiful things she cherished as she cherished all of us.
I deeply regret that she is not here to see her model grandchildren and her beautiful great granddaughter, no doubt learning from their parents what they had learned from their mother!
I believe that Ariel of Blessed Memory must be with her in a very special place reserved for the chosen gifted people!
May all of Robert's blog family and my own large family have a good and peaceful Shabbos!
Posted by: TP at July 11, 2008 04:45 PM
Woah, what a dress!!! Spectacular!
I know what you mean about closure. The most we can ever hope for/ get to learning how to live all over again, in this different strange kind of life where there are black holes and giant unscaleable walls springing up all over the place in front of our eyes. We gradually become more adept at living with the emptiness.
Good Shabbos.
Posted by: Alice Bachini-Smith at July 11, 2008 05:07 PM
Robert,
Thank you for this beautiful tribute to mommy. 19 years and it hasn't gotten any easier. I miss mommy every day but today seems worse for some unknown reason. She was taken from us way too early. Our children were robbed of knowing and having the love of a wonderful woman. I miss having a mother to talk to ask advice from and share my childrens accomplishments with. I'm sure that she's looking down on us from above and "shepping nachas" from her children, grandchildren and now greatgrandchild.
Caron
Posted by: Caron Heller at July 11, 2008 07:26 PM
Robert:
I am constantly moved by the things you share with the readers of your blog.
I lost my parents 8 months apart in 1994 when they were 59 and 63 (mother and father respectively), and if there is one concept I hate, it is that of "closure".
To me, it is a fake concept which means nothing, for exactly the reasons you stated.
Thanks for sharing, and best regards from Canada.
Mark
Posted by: Mark at July 12, 2008 06:45 PM
65 really is too young. And yes, we don't wish a mourner "closure," or to forget their loved one, but to be comforted. Which is what we wish for you.
Posted by: kishke at July 13, 2008 07:04 AM
No, there's no such thing as closure. Nor should there be.
Posted by: Jeremiah at July 13, 2008 10:54 AM
I deeply appreciate all the kind and generous comments from friends and relatives. There is great nechama in all your words.
May we only share simchas together.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at July 13, 2008 04:21 PM
As to closure. In the loss of one's son (mine to suicide, btw), and anyone else you love. No closure. Amen.
Posted by: kay at July 14, 2008 06:59 PM
Kay:
Thanks so much for writing. We are deeply sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at July 15, 2008 11:58 AM