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September 07, 2008
Pass the Salt
“Um, hi, it's me. I need to refill the salt shakers and I, uh, can't find the salt. I know it's here, but you know, can't find it. Call me back, okay?”
My job is to set the table for Shabbos. I love unfurling the table cloth, smoothing it out, then ever so carefully laying out the napkins. I get totally compulsive about aligning the edges of the linen.
We're having guests this Shabbos and I like to set out individual salt shakers for them.
But the salt in the shakers is running low. I also need to replace the rice grains which have started to look a bit moldy.
So: I strap on my pistol, grab my whip, don a cool explorers Fedora and like Indiana Jones dive into the kitchen cabinets searching for the salt.
I look behind everything: olive oil, sugar, flour, tea, mayonnaise, chocolate—nothing.
No salt.
Maybe Karen forgot to stock up.
Nah.
Karen never forgets stuff like that.
Like a madman, I stick my head deep inside the shelves and go: “Salt, anybody see the salt?”
I don't want to do this, but I'm defeated.
Whip out my cell phone, call Karen, leave a message.
Yours truly stares at the cabinets. For a long time.
Strangely, the salt does not come marching out like a Ziegfeld girl.
Karen does not call back. That's because she has a real job, real responsibilities.
Every Friday I head on over to my local library, pay my fines for overdue books and pick up a whole new batch.
“My, my Mr. Maverick, you certainly read a lot of books about Hollywood.”
“It's Avrech, and yes, I am helpless and powerless in the face of a star's biography.”
My librarian giggles: “You owe $3.00 for Marlene Dietrich.”
And just as I'm paying the fine, my cell phone chimes.
My librarian get all stern and says: “ No cell phones in the library.”
I go: “This is an emergency.”
She goes: “Okay, but make it quick.”
Karen says: “There's salt in the pantry, upper or lower cabinet. I can't be more specific, but it's there.”
“I looked there, no salt.”
My librarian stares daggers at me.
Karen sighs: “It's there. I don't know what else to tell you.”
“Okey-dokey.”
“That's your emergency, Mr. Maverick?”
“Absolutely.”
My librarian scans my bios of Paulette Goddard, Merle Oberon, Shirley Temple, Barbara Payton and says: “Your books are due in two weeks.”
“It used to be three weeks.”
“Patrons abused their privileges so now it's two weeks.”
You mean little ol' me?
Back home our salt shakers are sitting on the kitchen counter looking forlorn and desperate.
I dig into into the cabinets.
Again.
Look behind everything.
Nada.
Karen enters.
“Hi, I looked everywhere, I really did—”
Karen opens the cabinet, sticks her hand in, pulls out the container of salt.
Wow, that's amazing. How did she do that? It's a miracle, just like The Six Day War.
Karen sticks her hand into another cabinet and pulls out a second container of salt.
I'm genuinely impressed.
Karen's not angry, just baffled: “Robert, how did you miss that?”
“Well, hey, that's not fair, the salt was right in front. I was looking behind stuff.”
Karen just lets her gaze rest on me. There are some issues even a psychologist with a Ph.D cannot fathom.
I confess the truth: “Maybe because I'm, y'know, male?”
Karen darts about, efficiently and effortlessly putting up the food for Shabbos.
I look around, take a deep breath, and:
“Um, Karen, do we have a funnel?”
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at September 7, 2008 10:33 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Yay, I'm looking forward to the Shirley Temple posts!
Posted by: Sarah B. at September 7, 2008 12:29 PM
I totally sympathize. I'm always hunting desperately in the cabinets for this or that and my wife just pulls it right out. And sometimes it's not even behind anything.
Posted by: kishke at September 7, 2008 12:38 PM
I have that same conversation every week.
Posted by: Jack at September 7, 2008 12:47 PM
I like to hide things under deep cover, so Avi can't find them. My secret: I alphabetize.
Hey, he's a numbers man. It keeps the lovely division of labor that works so well in our home. He stays out of my cupboards; and I leave his video collection alone. ("Ema, can I have a new 'Stargate'?" "I don't know where anything is. Wait till Abba gets home.")
Posted by: rutimizrachi at September 7, 2008 01:30 PM
Yes, Ron and I have the same types of conversations as well.
In such a case, I might've been the one to say "Just buy some more salt if you can't find any!" And then, after he'd buy the salt, we'd "explore" the kitchen cabinets and pantry cabinets together and discover three salt containers...two of them unopened!
Posted by: Pearl at September 7, 2008 06:52 PM
Robert, you can be so delicious!
Posted by: yehupitz at September 8, 2008 05:43 AM
**Sigh of exasperation.** This happens fairly frequently at my house, but truth is, I'm always happy he's trying to get things done that are really foreign to him.
I helped support the Peninsula Public Library in Lawrence, NY with all my overdue fines. The place must be in dire straits since we made Aliya.
Posted by: Baila at September 8, 2008 01:44 PM
Who wouldn't love you? I have one much like you in my house.....
Posted by: gemma at September 8, 2008 03:41 PM
Chaya:
Still have to screen the Temple ouvre. Lots and lots of movies.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at September 8, 2008 05:00 PM
Kishke:
As you can see, I got fooled too because the salt was right in front.
Not fair.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:02 PM
Jack:
Join the club.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:03 PM
Rutimizrachi:
You alphabetize? That's really unfair, downright sneaky:-)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:06 PM
Pearl:
If Karen told me to buy what I can't find we'd be bankrupt.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:08 PM
Yehupitz:
Thanks, but I imagine life with me can get kind of annoying.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:10 PM
Baila:
I too try and help around the house, but sadly, my efforts usually end as tragicomedies.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:12 PM
Gemma:
One like me? You lucky lady:-)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 8, 2008 05:16 PM
just as a side note, you may want to check with your Rabbi about having rice in the salt shaker for Shabbos. There may be an issue of borer. (it may also be a machlokes)
Posted by: rescue37 at September 9, 2008 10:06 AM
Rescue 37:
Thanks so much for the halachic heads-up. I'll ask my posek.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at September 9, 2008 11:28 AM