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October 08, 2008
The Last Kaddish, Redux
Ariel ZT'L, on his Bar Mitzvah, 1994
On Yom Kippur, Karen, the girls and I will be reciting Yizkor, "Remember" the memorial prayer, for Ariel ZT'L. I am taking this opportunity to publish, once again, with minor editing, a short piece I wrote, back in 2004, when the period of official mourning was over and I recited my last Kaddish. This piece is particularly appropriate because Yizkor on Yom Kippur is, for me, an abrupt and almost unbearable plunge into the abyss—the physical loss of our beloved son.
The Kaddish has been called an echo of The Book of Job:
“Though He slay me, yet will I trust in him.”
The Kaddish is an expression of faith on the part of the mourner that although he is grief-stricken, he still believes in God, still trusts in the meaning of life. It is the ultimate anti-existentialist statement. Karen and I will mourn forever. We are riven, from now until the end of our lives. Our son will always be dead, and a central portion of our lives died with him.
This Shabbos I recite the last Kaddish of the eleven months of mourning for Ariel.
I stand in shul, eyes closed, swaying back and forth, chanting the words with—I hope—perfect diction and true feeling. I want the b'racha, the prayer, to go on forever. I want to stretch the words like a giant rubber band and make them reach from earth to heaven.
There are at least another dozen mourners in shul, all with much louder voices than mine, but I hear only one sound.
Is this my voice?
I see Ariel as he once was: beside me in shul where I study the delicate architecture of his face. I melt as Ariel's lips move, savoring each syllable, whispering the sacred Hebrew text.
Is this me?
I study his long tapering fingers as they turn the pages of the siddur. I lean over and bury my lips in the plush groove of his neck.
It is my voice.
Close to the end of the prayer now...
It is my son.
I take three measured steps back and three reluctant steps forward. I finish the Kaddish, open my eyes and discover a dozen men in shul gazing at me. Some have tears in their eyes. Several nod, tacitly acknowledging the finality of the moment.
I open my eyes and I see light. I open my eyes and I am swimming through layers of memory. I open my eyes and I see splendor. I open my eyes and I see my son, my son, Ariel.
And here is the standard translation of the Kaddish from Aramaic to English.
Glorified and sanctified be God's great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.
May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.
Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.
May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.Karen and I wish our friends and family a meaningful fast, and a G'mar Chatima Tova, May You be Inscribed for the Book of Life.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at October 8, 2008 08:14 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
You never fail to inspire, Robert. Sweet new year to you and yours, Ariel will not be forgotten by anyone who knew him, including myself.
Posted by: Jewboy at October 8, 2008 09:41 AM
While you are davening here, may Ariel daven for you all -- parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- in Shamayim...and may all your tefillot be heard.
Wishing you a g'mar chatimah tovah. May we all have the z'chut to be able to continue and meet at Seraphic Secret throughout the year.
Posted by: Pearl at October 8, 2008 10:02 AM
G'mar Tov to all of the Avrech family.
Posted by: Jack at October 8, 2008 10:02 AM
I clicked on your site because of your word seraphic which is special to me. I am also
the parent of a son who died before his time.
My son Nicholas Tapia was killed on May 31 2003,
when the drunk driver who was driving the car he was in abandoned him at the site of the accident to drown in no more than four inches of water. my son was unconcious and landed face down . He never came home again. No one except someone who knows your pain can understand the agony of loosing a child. I never beleived in counseling or support groups and I had to be dragged to this one, but it really saved me and my husband.The group is Compassionate Friends. All are parents who have lost a child. Noone will question the things you say. Noone will judge you . We all know the inexplicable horror that only adjusts with time.It does not heal . The person who said time heals all things was someone who had never lost a child.Even the soul will keep the record of your son death and your tie to him forever. Truly only
God can help you survive this loss . The group has a website www.thecompassionatefriends.org
God bless , God Comfort you and hold you up until
your brokenness subsides
Posted by: Valerie Tapia at October 8, 2008 10:13 AM
I am so sorry about the loss of your son. My heart goes out to you. Please accept my deepest sympathies.
Vanessa
Posted by: Vanessa at October 8, 2008 01:01 PM
G'mar Chasima Tova.
Posted by: Moishe3rd at October 8, 2008 03:47 PM
Everyone:
Karen and I deeply appreciate your kind and generous words. They help more than you could ever know.
We wish all our friends to Be Inscribed in the Book of Life.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at October 8, 2008 03:49 PM
I relate deeply to each and every word you wrote.
It is in synagogue that I feel most in touch both with Timora herself and with the painful void she left behind. I cry most often there - when reciting yizkor, when young girls read from the Torah, on special occasions honoring or involving young people the age at which she died or the age she would have been now, or sometimes just seeing parents together with their children. I also sit next to Judith Green, who was of great comfort to me after Timora died and whose son, Asher, died almost a year ago.
As painful as these times are, I welcome them as I feel they bring me closer to Timora - as you put it, absence becoming presence.
I hope you had a meaningful Yom Kippur and that the coming year will bring you and Karen nothing but light.
Valerie, I am sorry for your own loss. I pray that God will comfort you, and that your life will be filled with love.
Posted by: sara at October 9, 2008 11:25 AM
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Alice at October 9, 2008 03:28 PM
Robert:
It is a couple of hours after the end of Yom Kippur here in Eastern Canada, and I just read your tremendously moving piece about your wonderful Ariel, may his memory be for a blessing - thank you for sharing this beautiful memory with your readers.
Please accept my very best wishes for a happy, healthy & propserous 5769.
Gmar Chatima Tovah
Mark
Posted by: Mark at October 9, 2008 05:16 PM
Four years ago on Yom Kippur night, was when I first sat there reading through all of The Book Of Ariel, from cover to cover. It inspired me and tremendously deepened my Yom Kippur experience then. Ever since then I frequent the blog, comment every once in a while and think about Ariel and the incredible short live that he lived.
I am constantly being inspired by Ariel, z"l and you and your special family! I was not in LA for Yom Kippur this year, so I was not able to read the book, which I would have liked to, but I did think about Ariel and his special neshama... May his neshama have an aliyah at this holy time.
May Hashem bless you and your family with a Shana Tovah U'Mtuka and may we share in simchas together.
P.S.- I see such a resemblance to offspring #3 (A) so much in this picture of Ariel!
Posted by: nl at October 9, 2008 07:40 PM
I just hate to imagine...
Many of our neighbors are bereaved parents, because of Arab terrorism. On Rosh Hashannah, the Baal Koreh could barely get the words out when reading the Akeida. We all waited in silent tears.
Posted by: Batya at October 9, 2008 09:32 PM
As always, and appropriately I hope, am speechless.
Posted by: Jeremiah at October 9, 2008 10:04 PM
So beautifully written.
May G-d grant you and your family a joyful year.
Posted by: Baila at October 9, 2008 11:25 PM
I am so sorry.
May Ariel's holy neshama go ever higher.
Posted by: Rahel at October 10, 2008 01:45 AM
Dear Robert & Karen,
As much as is humanly possible, I am with you in your sorrow and grief over the fact that Ariel is no longer to be found on this earth. I grieve with you with the understanding which comes from walking a similar path: my beloved daughter & only child has also departed this earth. Memory eternal for Ariel!
I love how you love and honour your son; when I am able I will read the Book of Ariel.
Posted by: Maura at October 10, 2008 04:41 PM
May your beloved son be standing now before the Lord, face to face, in perfect peace and everlasting bliss.
Posted by: Donald R. McClarey at October 11, 2008 04:23 AM
Dear Robert and Karen,
My heart goes out to both of you at this time. Losing a child is heart wrenching and as others have said, unless one has been there themselves, (Chas v'cholileh!)
I live in Australia. I have a lovely daughter who is 20 and was married this past May. Her wonderful husband is 21 and they are very happy.
Yet my heart still mourns for the son I lost so many years ago.
http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/467544/jewish/Still-Born.htm
Time does not heal. Time only teaches us when to hide our grief and when it is safe to share it.
It is our faith in Ha'shem that helps us to cope.
HaMakom yenachem et'chem b'toch shar avay'lay Tzion vee'Yerushalayim.
Leeba Rae
Posted by: Leeba at October 16, 2008 10:44 AM