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August 10, 2009
Endless Love: A Brief Treatise
Scene One: Saturday
“Yes, but how can you really know someone? How can you know that the love is real?”
I go: “I knew, I always knew.”
Karen and I are hosting the Los Angeles Sheva B'rachot for Offspring #3 and her wonderful husband. A close friend, the wife of a fine physician, happily married with children and grandchildren, ponders out loud on the nature of love. She asks if we can ever really know the person we are marrying.
“You can't really know someone the way you know them after twenty, or thirty years of marriage,” she says. “How did you know Karen?”
“I saw the way she treated waiters when we went out. There were signs, signals, everywhere. I knew. Ever since I was nine-years old, I knew.”
Our friend is not satisfied with my romantically overblown response.
And neither am I.
Scene Two: Sunday
Karen and I attend the funeral of the daughter of close friends, a long married couple from our community. The young woman passed away on Shabbat, when we were celebrating Sheva B'rachot.
She was 28-years old.
She is buried about seven paces from our son Ariel Chaim's ZT'L grave.
The funeral service is tortuous yet dignified.
The father says to me: “I'm a member of your club now, Robert.”
I touch his arm.
“I really didn't want to become a member,” he says.
“I know.”
After the service, Karen and I pray over Ariel's grave. The grandfather of the young woman who died, a great and scholarly Rabbi who knows my father and adored Karen's father Z'L, puts his arms around us and offers a prayer for Ariel.
He is that generous.
Karen and I weep.
Scene Three: The L.A. Freeway
A few minutes later, Karen and I are driving back to Los Angeles.
“I knew that you would make me a better man. I knew that you would change me for the better—without tampering with the essential me, which is, let's face it, a bit askew.”
“Have I changed?” Karen asks.
“Not really, but that was the whole idea.”
Karen nods and smiles.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at August 10, 2009 08:14 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Please consider adding this to the your "How I Married Karen" index. I think it belongs.
Posted by: pdwalker at August 10, 2009 09:29 AM
For someone who has never been married I think this thought is very profound:
“I knew that you would make me a better man. I knew that you would change me for the better—without tampering with the essential me, which is, let's face it, a bit askew.”
I think too often men/women think they can "change" their spouse (change the essential person) for the "better". As a twice-divorced friend told me "any little trait that you think is bad is magnified many times once you are married".
This line reminds me of one of the central lines Jack Nicholson gives Helen Hunt in "As Good As It Gets". I am ambivalent towards this movie because Jack's illness makes him say the rudest and cruelest things to unsuspecting people - even though I know it is a movie I want to jump out of my skin - but when Helen's character is ready to walk way from a vicious thing Jack said to her, Jack says "You make me want to be a better man".
It is also not supposed to be the natural way when the parents outlive their children, either.
As someone told me years ago, "Life isn't for sissies".
Posted by: Bill Brandt at August 10, 2009 10:03 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of the young woman. So sad. I am also sorry about your immense loss too.
Posted by: Rachel at August 10, 2009 06:34 PM
Well, Robert, your "scenes from a marriage" do a lot more for me (for a lot of people) than Ingmar Bergman's.
Posted by: Jeremiah at August 10, 2009 08:18 PM
"Life isn't for sissies".
It sure isn't.
Posted by: Jack at August 10, 2009 10:37 PM
PD:
Done!
Bill:
Have not seen the movie. Need to catch up.
Rachel:
Thanks so much.
Jeremiah:
There are two directors whose work I loathe: Ingmar Bergman and Woody Allen.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at August 11, 2009 09:27 AM
two directors whose work I loathe: Ingmar Bergman and Woody Allen
One of the most fascinating things you've ever posted.
Posted by: Jeremiah at August 11, 2009 06:38 PM
What a beautiful, inspiring, touching, sad, rich post. The comments were meaningful too. Mazal Tov on daughter's marriage and condolences regarding the recent and the everlasting losses.
Posted by: rabbi neil fleischmann at August 11, 2009 09:33 PM