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November 18, 2009
The Inspiring Sarah Palin and, Um, Heidi Montag
Heidi Montag, whose dinner prayer was deeply inspiring.
For the past week I've been doing research for a new script that was recently proposed to me by a producer. I have to decide if I'm going to accept the assignment or not. In one sense it's a dream project, but like all scripts it presents a unique set of narrative problems—problems that are daunting.
I have a tendency to torture myself when it comes to movie projects. Do I truly understand the material, is the main character someone with whom I empathize, what's the film really about—I must be able to voice the theme, not the plot, in three sentences—am I prepared to devote over a year of my life to the script, and finally, will I do a good job?
During this process, I tend to go to sleep fairly early and then wake up at three or four in the morning thinking about character, story velocity, and narrative structure.
I worry.
A lot.
I fret, I pace, I step outside, sit next to the pool and watch the the moon's reflection quivering in the water. Pondering the architecture of my life—from Yeshiva to Hollywood—I wonder if there is a moral coherence to my personal narrative.
It's exhausting.
Karen and I usually set aside a bit of time in the evening to zone out on the couch and watch some television together. It's our decompression chamber.
Last night we had a great time, thanks to Sarah and Heidi.
Sarah Palin, well, you know who she is and you have your opinion.
Heidi Montag, if you're not schooled in popular culture, is an actress on The Hills, a series that follows the lives of a bunch of Beverly Hills brats. They gossip, sleep around, gossip about sleeping around, shop—the women wear to die for outfits—and go to an endless series of trendy restaurants where you have to scream to, um, gossip.
Heidi, a feather brained “personality and singer,” is married to the evil Spencer.
They have a bizarre marriage.
You can tell because Heidi wants children and Spencer wants a vasectomy.
Last night, Heidi was putting her master plan into action. Cooking dinner for hubbie, lighting candles, wearing a skin tight little red dress, all designed to seduce the clueless Spencer. You see, she's secretly off the pill. So now she'll get pregnant and then Heidi explains, “He'll realize that he really does want children.”
Perfect logic.
So, here's the thing:
Heidi says grace—she's suddenly all devout—before they dig in. It goes something like this: “Lord, thank you for the food we are about to eat, thank you for my wonderful husband, and thank you for my outfit.”
My outfit.
Karen and I cracked up.
“Oh my gosh,” I cried, “that is the most brilliant dialogue ever!”
Laughing so hard, Karen started wheezing. I was ready to fetch the inhaler.
Video capture of Governor Sarah Palin in her office. Notice the
Israeli flag by the window.
After The Hills, we caught a preview of the Barbara Walters interview with Sarah Palin. Here's what the former Governor of Alaska said about Israel:
"I disagree with the Obama administration on that. I believe that the Jewish settlements should be allowed to be expanded upon, because that population of Israel is, is going to grow. More and more Jewish people will be flocking to Israel in the days and weeks and months ahead. And I don't think that the Obama administration has any right to tell Israel that the Jewish settlements cannot expand."
The love of my life looked at me and nodded.
Good dialogue.
When I woke up at four in the morning I went downstairs, read more source material, pondered Sarah and Heidi.
I shook my head and smiled. Abruptly, I felt really good about the script. I can do it. In fact, I know exactly how to do it.
You just never know how or from where inspiration is going to hit.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at November 18, 2009 09:06 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
With her wardrobe, she should be thanking God for her outfits. Geez Louise, that girl has got some serious coin.
I loved that moment. So funny.
Posted by: Alice at November 18, 2009 11:23 AM
The real question is: will there be room for a Heidi in the new script?
As for Sarah, as an expander myself, three grandchildren living at Ofra, three cheers!
Posted by: Yisrael Medad at November 18, 2009 12:19 PM
I'm annoyed that the press keeps referring to Gilo (where those 900 houses will be built, G-d willing) as a settlement. The word conjures images of some outpost in the Judean hills. Gilo's a suburb of Jerusalem! My cousins have lived there for over 25 years!
Grrr.
Posted by: alterbentzion at November 18, 2009 12:40 PM
Alice:
Heidi is wearing wardrobe. She doesn't own all that stuff. The Hills is not real, y'know:-)
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.seraphicpress.com/nav-commenters.gif)
at November 18, 2009 02:41 PM
Yisrael:
It's either Meryl Streep or Heidi. I'm conflicted.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 18, 2009 02:43 PM
Alter:
There are no settlements as far as I'm concerned. Jews have the right to live anywhere in the world, and especially anywhere in Israel, the Jewish State.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 18, 2009 02:45 PM
OK, then she's thanking God for her 'wardrobe'. OK, so then they aren't really married? Inquiring minds need to know. C'mon Robert. What's the scoop?
Posted by: Alice at November 18, 2009 03:47 PM
Robert:
I guess living in LA and working in the business you have to follow celebrities like Heidi. It's been about twenty years since I recognized anyone on the cover of People. I flipped through my daughter's copy of Star magazine this weekend and could only identify celebrities that are currently collecting social security.
When I saw that video on Omri's website last year I knew Palin was too good to be the usual phony baloney politician. Just the walk to the statehouse, greeting citizens and drinking coffee, was more than any politician in D.C. could do without a gaggle of staff and a limo following close behind. I shake my head that the ticket with the strongest supporters of Israel could draw such little support from Jewish voters.
Posted by: Johnny at November 18, 2009 05:22 PM
One of the reasons I like Sarah is that she is absolutely fearless with answers - no matter how "unPC" they are.
She is an inspiration.
And you Robert in your past posts have made me realize how different screen writing is from literary writing.
Posted by: Bill Brandt at November 18, 2009 06:49 PM
I tend to side with the Evil Spencer in this case -- they should NOT reproduce!! She is secretly off the pill... maybe he has already been snipped!
Hooray for Sarah Palin and her straight talk about Israel! Frankly, I don't think she will ever be elected President or VP, but I appreciate her presence in the political arena, her message, and her courage!
Keep up the great work, Robert, and let us know the name of this masterpiece you are writing when it's ready!
Posted by: ProphetJoe at November 19, 2009 06:08 AM
Alice:
Heidi and Spencer were married in Mexico. It turned out not be legal in America.They were married a second time in Pasadena. But they are, ahem, professional actors on The Hills and her prayer was scripted by a really talented writer.
Heidi has also has breast implants, collagen lip injections, rhinoplasty, and G-d knows what else.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 19, 2009 07:37 PM
Johnny:
I tell people that because I work in Hollywood I have to follow all the trends and moron celebrities. The truth is I do it because their train wreck lives are just really fun to watch.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 19, 2009 07:39 PM
Bill:
Most people think that writing novels and screenwriting are interchangeable. Not so. Most great novelists are unable to master the discipline required to write a really good Hollywood script. Samson Raphelson, one of the greatest screenwriters ever, once told me that Eugene O'Neill was a genius, but he lacked a journeyman's craft that would have made his work far better.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 19, 2009 07:45 PM
Joe:
Good point, the idea of Heidi and Spencer as parents is kind of horrifying.
It doesn't matter if Sarah Palin ever runs for or holds high office ever again. The frothing hatred aimed at Sarah and her family by the chattering classes has revealed a level of intolerance usually found in Islamists or the KKK.
It's a, y'know, teaching moment.
Posted by: Robert J. Avrech at November 19, 2009 07:52 PM