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December 18, 2009
Tuesday Weld and, Um, Chanukah
Clad in red cashmere, Karen contemplates a pink
painting by Shirley Kaneda.
Okay, so my gift to Karen is awkwardly wrapped.
That's because I did it myself. I am hopeless and helpless when it comes to creating the neat little folds that announce white-gloved care.
I just sort of mush the wrapping paper together, slap on lots of scotch tape, and trust that Karen understands that: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that heterosexual men are genetically incapable of elegant gift-wrapping.
My note reads:
Karen:
To contribute to my warmth and love.
Happy Chanukah.
P.S. Totally returnable.
Karen says:
“It's a cashmere sweater.”
I'm like: “How did you know?”
Karen looks at me like I'm not too bright.
The love of my life unwraps my gift, runs her fingers over the soft-as-butter cashmere.
“Red?”
Actually, Fire Engine Red.
“Girlie colors like red and pink suit you.”
“Hmmm...”
No idea what the “Hmm” means. But generally, Karen respects my fashion advice.
“You can return it. No problem. I have the receipt right here.”
“That's the difference between a liberal and a conservative.”
“Huh?”
“A liberal would have written, Totally recyclable. You wrote, Totally returnable.”
No wonder I adore this woman.
Karen slips into the sweater.
Checks her reflection in the mirror. Turns this way and that.
The red red cashmere makes her dark eyes kick like star bursts.
“Are you gonna keep it?”
“Uh-huh.”
Oh, joy.
A few minutes later Karen gets on the internet and orders the exact same sweater—in heather blue—as a gift for her mother.
Sweet validation.
Memo to guys: you cannot go wrong buying a cashmere anything for a woman.
Anyhoo.
Yesterday I wrote that a Tuesday Weld movie inspired this gift.
Here's a clip from Lord Love a Duck (1966) in which Tuesday Weld convinces her mostly absent, therefore guilty father, to purchase 12 cashmere sweaters so she can join an exclusive girl's club.
Somewhere in Queens, a proud and Torah-loving Jewish family, very publicly announces and celebrates Chanukah. Let's hope the legal jihadists at the ACLU don't get wind of this joyous display.
Hey Glenn and Karen—the other Karen—now you're famous!
Karen and I wish all our friends and relatives a Happy Chanukah and a lovely Shabbat.
Posted by Robert J. Avrech at December 18, 2009 03:44 AM
Comments
Seraphic Secret is private property, that's right, it's an extension of our home, and as such, Karen and I have instituted two Seraphic Rules and we ask commentors to act respectfully.
1. No profanity.2. No Israel bashing. We debate, we discuss, we are respectful. You know what Israel bashing is. The world is full of it. Seraphic Secret is one of the few places in the world that will not tolerate this form of anti-Semitism. That's it. Break either of these rules and you will be banned.
Robert,
Do you think most members of the ACLU are going to Hell once their time on Earth is over?
Posted by: PCD at December 18, 2009 06:43 AM
Recyclable/returnable...nicely put. A liberal (in the modern sense of the term) would not make a present returnable, because they're sure they know what the recipient needs better than the recipient does....
Posted by: david foster at December 18, 2009 07:18 AM
PCD:
Well, I think most ACLU leaders have already been to Detroit. So it probably doesn't matter.
Posted by: Jake at December 18, 2009 07:53 AM
Robert - I am getting a chuckle over these Karen cameos. I know what her ankles look like, and how her back. And I know what she looked like at age 6.
It is sorta like "Wilson" in Home Improvement, if you remember that series. Wilson was always hidden behind a fence so you only saw his eyes and forehead.
If he wasn't behind a fence the director and camera people always made sure that he was obscured by some other object.
Your gift wrapping probably is neat compared to mine. Everyone knows a gift that I have wrapped. They seem to have an aura all their own.
My friend Larry, off to the Sierras today, was busy wrapping a gift for his mother Thursday that used a technique I'm familiar with. (bad sentence I know but what the heck).
If the gift is too big for the roll, use some other paper for 1 or more sides.
Posted by: Bill Brandt at December 18, 2009 10:51 AM
As my four-year-old would say, "Yes, and yes, and yes." Cashmere = everyone wins.
When he was two I stumbled upon a cache of clothes a wealthy woman had consigned at our local kids consignment shop. Hubba hubba. Jake was then the proud owner of a tiny black v-neck cashmere sweater vest from Niemans that still had the little dry-cleaning tag on it. Like butter.
Personally I recommend hand washing cashmere, but that's just me.
Posted by: Alice at December 18, 2009 01:55 PM
This is a first, but I now can say I hate my back. Second, I just got the reference to "warm" in the note, I knew what the gift was from the size and feel of the package, (wrapped in tissue paper, no box). So I'm pretty dense when it comes to literary references, and I also freeze up when confronted by a gift, so scared that I will disappoint the giver. Third, I always hand wash cashmere.
Posted by: Karen Avrech at December 18, 2009 03:27 PM
When we were dating, my spouse never wrapped anything. But he at least got me separate birthday and Christmas presents (yes, I got my name from the proximity of my birthday to December 25th) which is how I knew he was a keeper.
But he learned how to wrap presents fairly well, so subsequent gifts have been done up in pretty paper. The bad part (you knew there would be a bad part) is that his eyesight isn't what it once was. So a few years ago I got a gift wrapped in gorgeous gold paper with beautiful scrolly silver writing on it that he thought said "Happy Birthday".
What it really said was..."Older than dirt".
Posted by: DrCarol at December 18, 2009 08:16 PM
Karen, make sure you wear the sweater with those boots of yours that had to be replaced when the original pair disappeared at the gym.
I can only imagine what a great combo those two articles of clothing will make.
"Teetchadshee"!!
Posted by: Pearl at December 19, 2009 07:58 PM
You have good taste. There's nothing like red sweaters. I wish my family gave me such gifts.
You're invited to participate in the Your Best Chanukah Picture of The Holiday! meme.
Posted by: Batya at December 19, 2009 10:35 PM
I LOVE Gidget films, but I didn't care for that Tuesday Wweld clip. It made my head ache.
My father, of blessed memory, gave me a blouse for Christmas in 1976. It didn't fit. I took it back to-I think-Bloomingdale's, and exchanged it for a pair of earrings that I still have.
Posted by: Miranda Rose Smith at December 19, 2009 11:21 PM
Dear Alice: I bought a sweater from the Salvation rmy when I was in college and I still have it.
Posted by: Miranda Rose Smith at December 19, 2009 11:24 PM
Should be "Salvation ARMY."
Posted by: Miranda Rose Smith at December 20, 2009 12:25 AM
Jake,
I've heard of Detroit being called, "New Fallujah". I can't disagree with the Conservababes' Blog calling it that.
Posted by: PCD at December 20, 2009 07:41 AM
That clip is like something out a John Waters movie. Or some kind of cashmere fetish website. Freaky, man.
Posted by: Alice at December 20, 2009 10:30 AM
Robert
So cool! I als bought a cashmere sweater (burgendy) for Chanukah for my lovely wife. And, you're right; you can't go wrong!
Posted by: Azriel at December 21, 2009 08:00 AM
I love that house display! I wish there were more decorations around my neighborhood like that, instead of just giant Santas.
I know you're busy, but by chance, did you ever get a chance to watch "The Younger Generation"?
Jen ^_^
Posted by: Jennifer at December 23, 2009 07:10 AM