This just in from CNN.
As Seraphic Secret readers know our friend and commenter, Jake Novak works over at CNN, every once in a while he runs across a story that, well, they just won’t let him run.
Here’s a beauty.
Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel for Bad Grades
By Jake Novak
(Tehran) Ravi Parshavan, a perennial “C” student at Tehran’s Ayatollah Khatami High School, has suddenly risen to the top of his class by systematically blaming Israel, the Jews, and the United States for all his sub-par marks.
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner,” said a smug Parshavan after evening prayers, “I mean all day, all we hear about is how the Jews are responsible for all our problems. Our teachers say this, our newspapers say this, and our president doesn’t really say anything else. I finally realized that my bad grades are my problem, so why not blame the Jews for that? Wouldn’t you know it? A week after I start the whole, ‘it’s the Jews’ fault’ excuse, I’m getting straight A’s!”
“We are very proud of Ravi,” said his 10th grade math instructor Mahmoud Ramishaveri, “he successfully explained to the whole class that the Jews’ control of the international interest rate system is the reason why he can’t do simple percentage equations. Frankly, I always thought it was because he was a lazy dimwit, but then the nice armed gentlemen from the government showed me how smart Ravi really is.”
Ravi’s parents are showing the same kind of bewildered pride in his sudden success.
“Sure, I was a little upset when he stopped making his bed and doing the rest of his chores. But then I realized he was just trying to lay low so the Jews wouldn’t find him and use his blood for their Passover rituals,” said his mother Reza with the approval of several government soldiers in her living room. They proceeded to beat her anyway after the interview for speaking in public.
But the Jews aren’t the only successful targets of Parshavan’s blame game. His failing marks in gym and terrible performances in soccer matches have been explained away as the result of America’s greedy domination of key resources like healthy food, athletic shoes, and air to inflate soccer balls.
“I would be a regular David Beckham, that infidel pig of the West, if the Americans weren’t keeping me from getting the athletic gear I need. Curse them all!” Parshavan explained.
Parshavan is now guaranteed of graduating as his class valedictorian, and his new-found wisdom may also gain him admission to the world’s leading universities.
“I very much look forward to having young Ravi join our Middle Eastern Studies program,” said Professor Joseph Massad of Columbia University. “Not only has he correctly identified the sources of all his problems at an unusually young age, but he should be able to help me shout down the pro-Israel students in my class when I get a little hoarse.”
Parshavan isn’t sure if he will attend university in America, however.
“It could be fun to go to New York, but I do have an awesome rock-throwing team scholarship to Beir Zeit University in Palestine. So I do have to weigh all my offers,” he explained.