New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

This looks like a picture of Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Almonds, but it's really crack.

This looks like a picture of Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. It’s really crack. Seriously.

I do not smoke. I do not drink. I’m not overweight. Exercise? I take a three mile walk every day of the week, except Shabbat.

So, what New Year’s resolutions remain?

1. Okay, confession. I gained 3 lbs. over the past four days because Karen was out of town and I was alone and I found myself noshing like every ten minutes on Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds which are, I swear to G-d, like crack. Not that I’ve ever tried crack, but you get the point. Anyhoo… no more unbelievably delicious and addictive Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. Not one. Ever.

gun

2. I must get back the shooting range. I’ve been really lazy over the past year and I’m pretty sure I could not hit the side of a barn with my trusty Springfield .45, which is pathetic because I used to be a pretty darn good marksman.

I learned to shoot in Israel in 1973 from an Israeli soldierette instructor who looked like — I kid you not — the Jewish Brigitte Bardot, and you better believe I paid attention to every word she said because quite frankly I was terrified of not pleasing her. She had this way of looking at me when I missed my mark which was a combination contempt and deep sadness. And when I did hit the mark she kind of nodded — just a slight incline of the head — and her mane of hair would bounce into her eyes, and she’d sweep it back, real casual like, and say in her Tallulah Bankhead smoker’s voice: “You are learn, but you still have long way to go.”

Did I melt when she paid me this half-compliment?

Into a puddle.

So: gotta get back to the shooting range because my Israeli instructor would be ghastly disappointed in yours truly and even today I still really, really, really want her approval. Which is sort of pathetic, but there you go, male pride has no limits.

ProjectRunway_GreenFashion.JPG

3. Spend less time watching stupid reality shows. Except for “Project Runway”, which absolutely rocks because it’s one of the few Hollywood products that actually celebrates talent, commerce and competition. “Project Runway” is free enterprise made glamorous, which is no small thing when you consider that most of Hollywood spends a great deal of their time trying to convince the great unwashed masses that they, in their air-conditioned limos and twenty-million dollars a pic paychecks plus gross points, are just like everybody else. Sure they are.

And I have to admit, I look at Georgina Chapman who is stunning, talented and smart and then think of her married to Harvey Weinstein and I get vaguely nauseous, yet sort of fascinated. I mean: What’s that about?

That's Karen on the left. I'm the guy on the right who's ignoring the wedding we're attending and just clicking away at Karen's really cute footwear.

That’s Karen on the left. I’m the guy on the right who’s ignoring the wedding we’re attending and just clicking away with my iPhone at Karen’s really cute footwear.

4. Final resolution, and this is eaaaasy: Spend more time with Karen. Though I’ve been in love with Karen since I was nine years old, I’m still hopelessly, helplessly in love with my wife.

Seraphic Secret wishes all our friends a relatives a happy and prosperous New Year.

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37 Comments

  1. sennacherib
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 5:51 pm | Permalink

    ” Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds” I can see the danger there. Here in Texas it’s pecan pie with Blue Bell ice cream, there is no defense.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Robert J. Avrech
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:02 pm | Permalink

      sennacherib:

      Pecan pie with Blue Belle ice cream? I am there! (In my mind:-)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Miranda Rose Smith
        Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:53 pm | Permalink

        What flavor icecream? Mint chocolate chip? Maple walnut? Rum raisin? :-).

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        • sennacherib
          Posted January 2, 2013 at 3:52 am | Permalink

          Traditionalist and minumalists here only use Blue Bell vanilla. When in extremities though, Cookies and Creme and Southern Blackberry Cobler are my secret pleasures.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

          • Miranda Rose Smith
            Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:33 pm | Permalink

            What about CHERRY vanilla?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  2. Nickie Clifford
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 2:52 pm | Permalink

    Robert,
     
    I particularly appreciate your resolutions regarding spending more time with Karen (nothing is more endearing than a long-married man who is still deeply in love with his wife) as well as your resolve to brush-up on your marksmanship (I myself am an upper-middle-class, rather prim, preppy homemaker – twin-sets are my friend – who is the best shot in the family –  in possession of my own Glock;).  I also love your references to the young Israeli women in the military.  I was a very sheltered and pampered college student at that same age – I greatly  admire their courage and patriotism (although, as a perpetual “Mother” – I also worry about them).
     
    Wishing you and your family a Happy New Year.
     
     
     
    Wi     

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Robert J. Avrech
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 3:46 pm | Permalink

      Nickie:

      Good to hear from you. Happy New year to you and yours. Most of my friends who are gun owners love the Glock. It’s a great gun, but I’m so used to my very heavy Springfield that I can’t imagine holding anything else.

      I know this is a shameless plug, but I have a strong feeling that you will really like my eBOOK, How I Married Karen. In fact, I know you will. If you have a Kindle the book will be on Amazon later this week.

      Stay in touch. We adore preppy homemakers who are dead shots. Reminds us of many IDF women we know.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Nickie Clifford
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 1:07 am | Permalink

        Robert,
         
        I had noticed your new book and was very interested in it –  but as my family knows - through Kindle I’ve become a creature of “instant gratification” (even though I pride myself on being a “Luddite” I have managed to catch-on to online shopping and the wonderful convenience of Kindle).  Since it will be out this week I’ll pick it up – it sounds like one of those books my husband will  also be strongly ‘encouraged’ to read;) 
         
         

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  3. kishke
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 2:38 pm | Permalink

    Other New Year’s resolutions?
     
    Well, you could always start drinking, no?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Robert J. Avrech
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

      Kishke:

      Isn’t liquor fattening?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • kishke
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 6:54 am | Permalink

        I hope not!
         
        All things in moderation etc.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        • Robert J. Avrech
          Posted January 2, 2013 at 8:40 am | Permalink

          Kishke:

          Nothing to say but: “L’chaim!”

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Posted January 2, 2013 at 10:27 am | Permalink

        Liquor fattening?  I like to think that W C Fields was right.  He said that drinking doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean.  Against lamp posts, walls,…..
        Anyway, I myself like to have a shot or two of whatever right before exercising.  My subjective sense is that it enables me to push harder and makes it less likely that I’ll quit too soon.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        • kishke
          Posted January 2, 2013 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

          Wine and liquor have few carbs, and so are not fattening. Beer is another story.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

          • Miranda Rose Smith
            Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:29 pm | Permalink

            I believe beer has a lot of beneficial bacteria in it.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

            • Miranda Rose Smith
              Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:31 pm | Permalink

              Dear Barzilai: That W.C. Fields line is GREAT. I never heard it before.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  4. Barry
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

    Robert:
     
    You can make better use of your time. Walking is okay for older and perhaps weaker people. Now, if you were jogging, and supplementing that with a weight routine, either at home or a fitness center, there would be greater control and clearly identifiable results. In other words, you would look and feel better. 

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

    • Solaratov
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 2:21 pm | Permalink

      Why run? You’ll just die tired.
       
      As Jeff Cooper once said, “Learn how to fight or learn how to run. No sense in doing both.”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Barry
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:52 am | Permalink

        Looking good matters. And I do not mean in soft focus. Whoever Jeff Cooper is or was, he is wrong.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        • Solaratov
          Posted January 2, 2013 at 9:15 pm | Permalink

          Jeff Cooper – Col. Cooper – was the godfather of modern gunfighting; and the founder of Gunsite Ranch, the premier shooting school in America. He was rarely wrong about things of that nature.
          And, while looking good may matter – staying alive matters more.  I’ve never been fond of running, so I avoid it whenever possible; and yet I manage – at age 68 – to weigh the same as I did at 18 when I finished the Special forces Q Course.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

          • Barry
            Posted January 2, 2013 at 9:54 pm | Permalink

            I know who Jeff Cooper was. And Robert’s thought required, in my opinion, a serious response. Nothing to do with guns, self-defense or anything other than fitness, bumper stickers or sound bites. If walking was working well enough he would have been less likely to …etc.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    • Robert J. Avrech
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 3:29 pm | Permalink

      Barry:

      I’m old and weak:-)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Barry
        Posted January 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm | Permalink

        Robert, you are clearly neither and you have some concerns otherwise you would not be discussing these things. I truly am old and weak but I can pass as above average. Regular weight training coupled with a kind of vanity works well. That’s weight training not heavy lifting. In six weeks you will have and be a revelation.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • DrCarol
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 8:59 pm | Permalink

      Walking is also for those of us who are flat of foot. 
       
      Robert–three miles a day?  Wow,  I am impressed!  I did a three mile parade in June and thought I was going to die.  Of course, it was 90 degrees and I was playing bagpipes, so that might have had something to do with it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Robert J. Avrech
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 10:16 am | Permalink

        Dr. Carol:

        Still awaiting your arrival in L.A. — with your pipes.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  5. Bill Brandt
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    Oh, and the reality shows? After watching the 1st season of The Apprentice, concluded they are all the same; just different settings. You have to have 1 that makes everyone angry. A Diva so to speak. (are there Divos besides the 80s musical group?)
     
    And “what’s Binky going to do about Minky”.
     
    That summarizes it.
     
    If you can get this Me TV I am stuck on it. I am among the 10% that gets their TV off the – gasp – antenna – and this MeTV has brought back all the top shows of the 50s through the 80s.
     
    From The Rifleman (seeing it almost 50 years later, I didn’t  realize it was so nuanced and had so many talented writers and actors), Twilight Zone, Mary Tyler Moore show, Dick Van Dyke …Bob Newhart, on and on.
     
    They are currently honoring Jack Klugman showing the Odd Couple. It is on some cable networks.
     
    http://metvnetwork.com/
     
    Other than the Mentalist and NCIS that is the only other thing I watch.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Miranda Rose Smith
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Permalink

      Top shows of the ’50s through the ’80s? I hope that includes “Perry Mason?”
      Robert, if you don’t want to eat the dark chocolate lamonds, don’t keep them in the house. Anyone can gain weight over a holiday. I gained four pounds over Succot and it took me five weeks to get rid of them. Best of luck!!!!
      Keep up the good walk!
       
       

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Miranda Rose Smith
        Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:50 pm | Permalink

        CORRECTION: DON’T DELETE.
        Robert, if you don’t want to eat the dark chocolate almonds, don’t keep them in the house.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Bill Brandt
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 4:49 am | Permalink

        Perry Mason is there Miranda! If you click on the link you will see the schedule. For some reason in my area after the Twilight Zone at 11PM they show this awful talk show called Jeremy Kyle – makes Jerry Springer seem thoughtful, deliberative and non-provocative.
         
        This show is so bad i can’t even stand it as background noise. Have to turn the channel. The line about Jerry Springer in The Green Mile seems appropriate for this piece of trash.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  6. Bill Brandt
    Posted January 1, 2013 at 10:59 am | Permalink

    I am afraid I am the same way about chocolate, Robert. If one is good 5 is better. It is good to heed Dirty Harry’s admonition, “It’s good that a man know his limitations”
     
    Something else I like at Trader Joes – they have this Chilean wine for $3.99 – be curious to hear what your cousin thinks of it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Robert J. Avrech
      Posted January 1, 2013 at 4:05 pm | Permalink

      Bill:

      What’s the name of the wine? I’ll be speaking to my cousin later this week.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Bill Brandt
        Posted January 1, 2013 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

        Robert – the label brand sez “Panilonco”
        Subtitle ” Chief of lions” (you will see a lion sketch on the label)
        I have a preference for their Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon – but everything I have tried from them – from my relatively crude palette – seems great.
         
        It is produced by the Errazuriz Ovalle Family – Vinedos Marchigue 
         
        D.O. Colchagua Valley, Chile.
         
        Have to say it my economic situation I was stuck on Charles Shaw’s wines (known as “2 buck chuck” – but this wine – at another $2 is well worth it IMO ;-)
         
        My personal opinion of wines – and I think somewhat substantiated by Alice – is that there are a lot of “wine snobs” for which the price determines the quality – but I really like this $4 wine from Chile. (at Trader Joes) 
         
        Is it the best for which one would serve at an elegant dinner party party? – well – no – but it is good everyday wine.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • DrCarol
      Posted January 2, 2013 at 7:05 am | Permalink

      Bill,
       
      I used to have a mug that said “Chocolate is the fifth major food group.”  Theobroma, indeed.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Bill Brandt
        Posted January 2, 2013 at 7:46 am | Permalink

        Dr Carol:
         
        Since we are on a Trader Joe’s theme I used to love their big block of Belgian dark chocolate – hearing that dark chocolate was good for what ails you – from depression to blood pressure.
         
        But like everything chocolate (particularly dark chocolate – I couldn’t stop at one piece.
         
        Even with Ben Franklin’s admonition in mind – everything in moderation - I was a slave to the Trader Joe’s Belgian dark chocolate – so I don’t get it anymore.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        • DrCarol
          Posted January 2, 2013 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

          I feel virtuous these days because I get my dark chocolate fix through calcium supplements.  Tasty and nutritious all at once.  :-)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Posted January 3, 2013 at 11:52 am | Permalink

        My wife would agree.  She usually only eats beans for breakfast.  Coffee beans and cocoa beans.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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