I do not smoke. I do not drink. I’m not overweight. Exercise? I take a three mile walk every day of the week, except Shabbat.
So, what New Year’s resolutions remain?
1. Okay, confession. I gained 3 lbs. over the past four days because Karen was out of town and I was alone and I found myself noshing like every ten minutes on Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds which are, I swear to G-d, like crack. Not that I’ve ever tried crack, but you get the point. Anyhoo… no more unbelievably delicious and addictive Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. Not one. Ever.
2. I must get back the shooting range. I’ve been really lazy over the past year and I’m pretty sure I could not hit the side of a barn with my trusty Springfield .45, which is pathetic because I used to be a pretty darn good marksman.
I learned to shoot in Israel in 1973 from an Israeli soldierette instructor who looked like — I kid you not — the Jewish Brigitte Bardot, and you better believe I paid attention to every word she said because quite frankly I was terrified of not pleasing her. She had this way of looking at me when I missed my mark which was a combination contempt and deep sadness. And when I did hit the mark she kind of nodded — just a slight incline of the head — and her mane of hair would bounce into her eyes, and she’d sweep it back, real casual like, and say in her Tallulah Bankhead smoker’s voice: “You are learn, but you still have long way to go.”
Did I melt when she paid me this half-compliment?
Into a puddle.
So: gotta get back to the shooting range because my Israeli instructor would be ghastly disappointed in yours truly and even today I still really, really, really want her approval. Which is sort of pathetic, but there you go, male pride has no limits.
3. Spend less time watching stupid reality shows. Except for “Project Runway”, which absolutely rocks because it’s one of the few Hollywood products that actually celebrates talent, commerce and competition. “Project Runway” is free enterprise made glamorous, which is no small thing when you consider that most of Hollywood spends a great deal of their time trying to convince the great unwashed masses that they, in their air-conditioned limos and twenty-million dollars a pic paychecks plus gross points, are just like everybody else. Sure they are.
And I have to admit, I look at Georgina Chapman who is stunning, talented and smart and then think of her married to Harvey Weinstein and I get vaguely nauseous, yet sort of fascinated. I mean: What’s that about?
4. Final resolution, and this is eaaaasy: Spend more time with Karen. Though I’ve been in love with Karen since I was nine years old, I’m still hopelessly, helplessly in love with my wife.
Seraphic Secret wishes all our friends a relatives a happy and prosperous New Year.