Meet Audrey. This morning, Carole Lombard is Audrey's screensaver. (Click to enlarge) Painting by Robin Rose.
Just a few hours before the New Year, Seraphic Secret crawled out of bed at 5 in the morning for my daily three-mile walk. Half-comatose, I grabbed my trusty Apple laptop and started down the stairs.
If this were a film, you would see high-contrast black and while lighting, ominous music, and the creepy sound of soft footsteps on the carpet. And then, a SHOCK CUT as —
— Yours truly trips, tries to gain balance, fails, and then desperately seeks to arrest what could be a neck-snapping fall by grabbing hold of the bannister while simultaneously losing grip of beloved laptop, and in SLOW MOTION watching computer bounce
down
the
stairs.
I have shlepped this computer all over the world. I have carried this computer up and down the stairs in Casa Avrech for close to seven years. How did this happen? There is only one answer: Witchcraft.
Seraphic Secret receives curses and death threats every month from our loyal readers in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Jordan—who are particularly poisonous—and other Islamist swamps. We also receive deranged notes from frustrated screenwriters—mostly from, go figure, New Jersey—who are angry that I won’t read their scripts. It’s a toss up as to who is crazier, Islamists or aspiring screenwriters. But both have been slinging nasty curses at Seraphic Secret for quite a while.
I’m kidding. Obviously. I tripped because I was half asleep and because I’m a bit of a klutz.
But over in happy-go-lucky Gaza, Hamas takes witchcraft and, um, mannequins quite seriously. I know this is hard to believe and it sounds like a scene from a dopey sit-com, but what can I tell you, all cultures are not the same, all religions are not the same, and all people are not the same.
The Hamas-run government has launched a series of campaigns targeting fortune-tellers, mannequins and cigarette vendors in the Gaza Strip.
Police sources told Ma’an that 142 fortune tellers were forced to sign an agreement at the Ministry of Interior pledging that they would not practice their craft.
As well as predicting the future, fortune tellers sell amulets for protection and are sometimes called on to solve personal or family problems.
Another campaign targets boutiques displaying lingerie on mannequins. Police officials told Ma’an that security forces inspected clothes shops across the Gaza Strip and warned owners not to display naked mannequins, lingerie or “indecent advertisements.”
Story here.
This would be almost funny, except over in Saudi Arabia they just beheaded a woman on charges of sorcery.
As to the fate of my computer:
“Dude, this is bad,” said the genius at the Apple store.
Breaking out into a cold sweat at the thought of being computerless, Seraphic Secret immediately shelled out for a sleek Apple AirBook, henceforth known as “Audrey.”
Ariel Chaim Avrech, ZT'L, May His Righteous Memory be a Blessing.
21 Comments
Prophet Joe:
You’re right, the hunt and kill of witches in the Islamic world will be ignored by the liberal media, who, if you think about it, are post-modern sorcerers, spinning delusions about the very people who are determined to burn them down.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I’m sure you are keeping backups, correct? I’d hate to see your next great screenplay go into a digital black hole. We are using the Apple TimeCapsule with great success.
Also, we watched My Man Godfrey over the weekend, excellent suggestion!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Coticlan:
Yes, everything is backed up. All computers eventually crash. Though not all on the stairs.
Glad you enjoyed My Man Godfrey. It’s a classic.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Robert, I hope you were able to recover all the info in your laptop. Perhaps the stars had aligned in an unfortunate manner for electronic equipment. I packed my netbook, with 30,000 songs, and an allegedly portable speaker set for our quick 300 mile trip down the coast for NYE.
The speaker set didn’t make it.
My kingdom for military grade portable speakers!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Earl – I’d love to see an olive-drab Netbook and matching set of speakers!
I’ll bet they would sell but nobody can make a note/Netbook that can be dropped….and survive.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Guys, I’ve got it. An Olive Drab (or optional Camouflage) Kevlar padded sleeve.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Earl:
Everything is saved in a back-up hard disk. I use the Apple program every day.
Did you say 30,000 songs? I have maybe 40 songs on my playlist.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Robert
That’s 30,000 just on the netbook. I’ve 92,000 on a hard-drive. My compilations are legendary!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
It must be something the way the planets are aligned.
About the same time (it would be curious to know exactly what time) – but my father put his restored Girard-Perregaux wrist watch – that his father owned - in his shirt pocket and said shirt went into a Maytag washer.
And no, the result wasn’t like Cameron Swazy’s old Timex Commercials – he is taking the watch is going to the jewelers to see it it can be salvaged.
How do computer years compare to dog years?
Like or Dislike:
2 
0
Bill:
That’s an expensive watch. Hope it can be repaired.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Sorry to hear of your mishap, though if your computer was seven years old, that’s triple digits in computer years. Oooops, just saw the commenter above made the same point.
At any rate, as to witchcraft, Arab News did an interview with the head of the Saudi religious police in 2007. Here is what I quoted of it at the time:
Arab News is carrying an extensive article on the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice, the morals police of Saudi Arabia. The article includes an interview with Wahhabi / Salafi Commission President Sheikh Ibrahim Al-Ghaith:
Not quoted in the passage above was the religious police chief saying that weeding out sorcerers was the number one job of the Saudi religious police.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
GW:
It’s true, my old computer was wheezing along and the little colored soccer ball was spinning almost non-stop. But what can I say, you get attached to computers, like pets.
Isn’t it going to be nice when Saudi Arabia runs out of oil and the kingdom sinks back into the sand.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Two questions:
1. Were you able to salvage what was on your computer?
2. Is the Macbook Air your only computer, and if so, are you happy with your selection? (Okay, three questions–but I have many more).
Like or Dislike:
1 
1
Shyla:
I’m going to try and salvage my old computer, at least as a back-up to have lying around. I’ll find out if it’s worth the cost. Very happy with the Airbook. It’s light as a feather and very fast. The switch-over was seamless.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Boy, that’s too bad about the old laptop. Glad it didn’t happen before Apple updated the Air. (I just Googled “laptop wrist strap,” but all of the hits were about antistatic straps for repairmen. Should we patent something?) Use in good health!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Alter:
I fully expect my Airbook to be obsolete in a year or two, but that’s just the nature of the biz and it’s fine. I like the rapid innovation that characterizes the tech industry.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
You’re right about the obsolescence, but the Air you’ve got is much, much better than the one available just six months ago. (That’s what I meant.)
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
As a kid I read stories about long lost civilizations living deep in the Amazon jungle untouched by the modern world. The moral dilemma was whether the modern explorers had any right to disturb the life the isolated tribe had.
Those stories were fiction. But today there are people fully aware of the modern world that choose to live in the 10th century. But instead of whether the modern civilization should leave the backwards civilization alone, the question is whether the backwards civilization will leave us alone. And they will use modern tools such as computers to make our life miserable.
Like or Dislike:
2 
1
Why should they be any different than all of the other folks who use modern technology to make our lives miserable?
Seriously, though, not everyone who follows tenth-century role models wants to take away your happiness. (At least, I don’t think I do.) So please be less oblique.
Like or Dislike:
0 
1
Johnny:
I think the answer is obvious: the jihadists are using modern technology in their war against Western civilization. They do not innovate, but merely adapt. The suicide vest is western technology used for jihad. The danger for us is nuclear weapons in the hands of the terrorist state Iran and their proxies.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
So sorry to hear about the old laptop. Of course, computer technology is dated in the same manner as dogs, so your 7 year old laptop is really like… um, 49 year old technology, so I’m glad Audrey is bringing you into the new year!
As to the Religion of Peace… well, beheading a sorceress because she claimed she could cure their illnesses isn’t a far cry from beheading Christians or Jews for not believing in Allah. I’m sure this won’t get much press time because it doesn’t coincide with the Left’s agenda — “they’re just like us, only misunderstood” Can you imagine the uproar if my local police were to behead the local palm reader? There would be monumental protests, but because it’s “over there”, no one will say a thing.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0